D-Day - 4/11/03.

The worst day of my life. I still am having trouble with the word "infidelity." I mistakenly thought it would never happen to me.

But first some background. I (BS) am 38, she (WS) is 34. We've been married for 13 years. Early in our marriage, she put me through school for 4 long years (master's degree in seminary). I then spent 8 years working in the computer field at 2 different universities. During that time, we began to drift apart. Much of it was due to my inability to find satisfaction in any job I had. I began to formulate my idea of the perfect way to make a living, and began working toward that goal selfishly.

About 2 years ago, W approached me with concerns about our marriage, saying that she just wasn't happy any longer, and that she might leave if things didn't change. I was hurt deeply. Among other things, she had issues with my lack of domestic support, and inadequate affection. I promised to change my ways, and did for a while. But soon the boredom set in again, and things returned to their former ways. I didn't realize it at the time, but some of my emotional needs weren't being met, and I guess I just couldn't keep trying so hard without feeling that my needs were being addressed as well.

A couple of months later the issue came up again. This time she also expressed concern that I seemed to no longer want children, which hurt her deeply. I told her my issues with children, all of which reflected a selfish, cynical view of the world that I now regret. Things changed for a short period, with me mostly feeling like the one that needed to change.

Shortly after this, she was given the opportunity to transfer to a new office in a different city in our state (she is a manager at a personal finance company). Expecting me to be against it, as I had a good job and we were only an hour from both sets of parents, I instead saw it as an opportunity to start over. I also saw my chance to start my own business and finally obtain career satisfaction, and the allure was too great. We made the move, and I set about getting a freelance photography business going.

Several months went by, and I began to get disillusioned with my self-employment. I'm an introvert, and know nothing about marketing, so starting a business from scratch with those weaknesses is an invitation to disaster. Fortunately, we had a fair amount of money saved up when we moved, and W's monthly bonuses made up for my former salary. But eventually the bonuses dried up as the economy tanked, and I still had no regular income. W told me of her need to be supported, telling me she didn't like being the primary wage earner (remember that she did this early in our marriage while I was in school, which may explain her aversion to it). I said I'd either have something going by the end of January, or I'd get a job. Truth is, I felt a little resentment toward her for not being patient. I was wanting this so badly that I decided to try to squeeze in a little more time quietly. I also got a credit card for the business, and bought some needed equipment. But I unfortunately reverted back to a prior behavior, in that I started using it for personal purchases too (computer software, books, hobby stuff, etc.). As our money had gotten tighter, I felt I had to do this to still get my "toys." Ashamed of my weakness, I didn't let her know. I also applied for several jobs, but nothing came of them.

Then, on 4/8/03, she confronted me with her intense unhappiness, saying that she felt so unloved that she had finally crossed the line, and wanted to end it. I tried to reason with her, and even threatened to leave myself, because I was so hurt. I packed my bags and planned to go out of town for a couple of days, but remembered an obligation I had locally the next day and decided to stay for another night. She went to bed, and I stayed up for several hours thinking. I finally went to bed in a separate bedroom, and starting thinking over how we had gotten to this point. And that's when I finally saw how selfish I had been for most of our marriage. It was almost like being at the Final Judgment at that moment. Finally, everything I had done over the years -- the rampant spending, the overwhelming desire for happiness in my career, the lack of affection, avoiding the issue of children -- came to light in my mind for what it was. And I cried for quite some time. I had never cried about anything in our marriage before -- I am not an outwardly emotional person -- but this hurt me worse than anything. I finally saw the person I had become. I saw how I had treated other people as well, and I was ashamed.

The next night, W and I discussed my awakening. Her response? Disbelief. She couldn't understand how I could just magically change overnight. She said that what I had done to her wasn't love, and she didn't believe me. But, unlike the past, I didn't react angrily. I told her she had every right to feel that way, and that I wanted to straighten everything out between us. I told her the way she felt was my fault, and that I wanted to be the person that could give her happiness. She constantly argued that it was as much her fault as mine, but I couldn't see it. By Thursday, we finally agreed to take it one day at a time and see where we could go.

I should point out that about a year ago, W got a copy of HNHN, and encouraged me to read it after she finished. I told her I would, but didn't start on it until this past February. I selfishly decided that it wouldn't be as exciting as the other books I normally read, so I didn't get in a hurry. It's a mistake I regret even more now.

Friday night, we talked some more about our situation, and I did my best to try to convince her of my newly-awakened self. I laid myself bare, and confessed some feelings I had felt toward her -- resentment, anger, frustration, and the like -- because my needs weren't being met. As I apologized again, she angrily told me it was as much her fault as mine. I asked her why she kept saying that. And then out the confession came. My life hasn't been the same since.

She told me of a 3-time PA with a man who works for her company in a different state that she met on one of her many business trips. The PA occurred roughly between January and May 2002, and just sort of ended on its own. He was also married, and started out, like most, being supportive and listened to her talk of her marital troubles. She admitted that he soon began to spice up their phone calls and email messages with offers to see a movie on their next trip, "if you're not afraid of being alone in the dark with me." It wasn't long before he was describing in detail what he wanted to do to her physically. Needing intimacy, she fell for it. And this is the part that hurts me the most. They planned their first encounter for more than two weeks in advance, going as far as ensuring that their hotel rooms were close enough to make it convenient. As disturbing as the images of them having sex are to me, the thought of her leaving our bed that morning, getting on a plane and heading out of town, knowing what would happen when she arrived, have been the most difficult. I asked her what she felt on that plane ride, and her response was even more puzzling: "Disbelief." And yet she went through with it.

They had sex two more times over the next few months, but those weren't planned. After a late dinner and a few drinks (and my wife used to be strongly anti-alcohol), he made his move, and she gave in again. The last two times, they did things in the bedroom that we've never even done. And then it just ended, because, according to her, they realized it was wrong.

I guess I was so caught up in my world that I didn't sense her hurting too much. I did ask her once (during the time the affair was going on), if she had ever cheated on me, and she seemed offended and claimed she would never do such a thing, which she now of course admits was a lie. They now no longer see each other at these events because of restructuring, but he has called her on the phone a few times, and she has done the same. She told me last night that she hasn't called him in several months, but he still calls her about once a month for presumably business reasons, but I confess I have my doubts.

And yet I am more committed than ever to saving this marriage. I love her more than anything in the world, and I am ashamed of my behavior over the last few years. I know I'm not to blame for the PA itself, but I am fully aware that I created the conditions for it. But I also realize that I have important emotional needs that weren't being met. I bought a copy of SAA yesterday, and read it from cover to cover before going to bed. WS started reading it last night. We're going to talk to a MC soon. She says she, like me, feels conflicting emotions, and that, though she loves me, she feels a lot of resentment and anger, and that she doesn't know if she can get past that or not. She hasn't told any of her friends about the PA, but told me that I was free to tell any of mine if it helped me to cope.

But everything is out in the open between us now, something we did even before I read SAA. I told her of my discovery of inappropriate material on the internet some years ago, and how I had found the need to seek it out from time to time. I also let her see my credit card statement so she could see what I had spent my money on (I also think she wanted to confirm that I wasn't guilty of an EMA myself). There are no more skeletons, and I feel better than I've felt in ages. But I also feel worse than I've ever felt. I've had a couple of job interviews this week, as my primary focus now is providing financial support. I realize the most important thing in my life is my wife, and everything else is just icing on the cake. I can't imagine my life without her. I just hope she can get past the resentment, and see that my change is for real, and for the right reasons.

Sorry to be so long-winded. I just had to get this off my chest.

Click on the link in my signature line. You have taken several of the recommended steps, but there is some additional information that you will find helpful.

trying,

I'm new here too, also a BS, and noticed in one of your first paragraphs that you have a master's in seminary, so you must be a religious man.

For me, my faith has been the one crucial element that continues to pull me through this rough time. Lean on the Lord through this time and do not beat yourself up with thoughts and images of them together. That is the enemy trying to eat away at your brain. Don't let him win. Let the Lord show His mighty power through this situation. You will find this website very helpful as well.

My prayers are with you and your wife. Rally support around you. Set up some rules for yourself (I will drink X amount of glasses of water a day, I will eat three nourishing meals, I will do one 'fun' thing a day for myself, etc.) and have other people you trust hold you accountable for these. For me, I made three close friends instant message me each day at work to let me vent and to see how I was doing. They still do this, and I have grown even closer to them, and sometimes those messages were and are the only things I look forward to through this.

I feel I had to post to your yours because I was in the same boat you were/are in, thinking that if I just found happiness outside of my husband and family with a career, everything else would kind of fall into place. It took his A to wake me to see that once I develop happiness with him and with my family, THEN everything else will fall into place. He and my family are my foundation in life to do other things. I saw Brad Pitt say that about Jennifer Aniston once in a Barbara Walters interview and I rolled my eyes. Who would think one of the "sexiest men on the planet" had it all right? Certainly not me! :-)

I could go on and on, but it's all been said on this site before. And that's a true blessing.

It seems that both you and your W have had a major "wake up call" in your marriage...and that both are willing to admit to past mistakes, errors in judgements, etc. You're both taking personal responsbiity for those problems which each created or allowed to continue...I think you've got a wonderful shot of rebuilding your marriage into the marriage both of you had always know it could be. You've actually got half the battle already faught...you're being open and honest and willing to try.

Do be sure and seek out professional help to overcome past resentments and anger, you will need special help dealing with the affair, as right now you're still numb...but the feelings of pain and anger are there and MUST be dealt with as honestly as you seem to be dealing with other demands.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sealfan:
<strong>trying,

I'm new here too, also a BS, and noticed in one of your first paragraphs that you have a master's in seminary, so you must be a religious man.

...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seminary was an eye-opening experience for me. I became very suspicious of most organized religion, and even questioned why I was there. I had planned on getting a PhD so I could teach, but four years spent on an MDiv and the disillusionment with the whole situation put that on hold. Is this the reason I've never attained career satisfaction? I don't know, but it's certainly possible.

I've remained strong in my faith and convictions for the most part, but we've drifted away from church over the years. We just recently started attending some again, and I'm confident I'll be attending even more in the future. I know I can't get through this alone, and only with God's help can this be survivable.

Thanks for your other suggestions as well. I am in the process of discussing this with some close friends. While I'm hurting, I'm also optimistic (something I typically haven't been).

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BS (Me): 38 WW: 34
Married since 12/30/89
PA: 3x between 1/02 and 5/02
D-Day: 4/11/03
Trying to rebuild