I am so glad I found this site. I have read a lot, and I believe in the concepts that have been discussed, but I'm not sure what to do now.
We've been married for 12 + years, most of which were pretty good. The past 3-4 years we have drifted apart due to the pressures of 4 kids and 2 jobs, etc, etc,etc. About a year ago I discovered that he had been corresponding to women on-line: downloading pornographic pictures and writing letters to them. He had also met a woman whom he said was just a friend - someone to talk to. I believe he was honest with me. I don't think anything physical happened. But it was a wake-up call. We had a long talk... he said he loved me very much and needed me to be there for him more. I took it very seriously and tried to make changes. Unfortunately, he didn't see the changes I was making. Sometime last summer he began a relationship with another woman. I'm not exactly sure how it started, but I think it was some kind of swinging situation with her husband, that turned into a one-on-one affair with just her and him.
On Christmas Day, he told me he didn't love me anymore. I was floored. I couldn't grasp the concept. We had been so in love! I knew we'd had problems, but I thought things were getting better. For 3 months I blamed myself, I turned my whole being into trying to be a better wife... I started seeking counseling... I just couldn't understand how he could stop loving me.
Then 4 weeks ago, I discovered what I had long suspected... the A. I didn't want to believe he could do this. He's not that kind of guy. He's the sweetest, nicest guy you could ever want. He would never do such a thing! When I confronted him, he didn't deny it. He said again that he didn't love me anymore, and that he didn't know if he ever could. He did admit that since Christmas things had been much better, and that he at least liked me now, and enjoyed spending time with me (which he hadn't for a long time). He agreed to try to make the marriage work. He agreed to stop seeing her, but did not want to lose her as a friend. Being so vulnerable and hurt, I didn't think I had any grounds for making demands, so I let it go. But I could feel that his heart wasn't really into saving the marriage as long as she was in the picture. So... after our first marriage-counseling session I confirmed what the counselor had said.... he needed to stop all contact with the OW in order for the counseling to work. He agreed to do it, but needed a litte time. About 3 days later, he told me he was going to go see her and end it. Again I wanted to be strong for him... I appreciated that he was doing it at all, so I gave him my blessing. That was last Friday night. Since then I've tried to be patient. I've tried not to ask a lot of questions. I've tried not to push, (but I do know I've been too clingy). I know this is tearing him up inside. He feels terrible about all the pain he's caused.. to me, to himself, and to her. I want to help him, talk to him, be there for him, but he doesn't want to talk about any of it. Last night I asked him if there had been any contact and he admitted that she had e-mailed him once and he had called her in response. Oddly enough the e-mail was about me.... her husband (from whom she had separated due to the A.) had seen me on-line during the day and she was 'worried' about me (was I sick?) Obviously it was a ruse, but he didn't see it that way at the time. I believe he is really trying to do the right thing. I also believe that if he can get through the withdrawal stage things will get better for us. But how do I help him get through it? He doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks I don't have any faith in him to begin with, and when I ask him about it, it just makes him feel worse to admit he has failed. Should I no longer ask? Should I let him get through this on his own, and be there when he's ready? He has not read any of the information about MB and I doubt if he's ready to accept any of it right now. Please tell me what to do.

Thanks so much for this website. It has been a lifesaver for me.

Unfortunately, there is nothing for you to do to help him....H has to want to do it for not only himself, but for you as well. In the past, I've tried everything to bring my WS home and back to the embrace of his family....no go. He was not, and to this day, continues not to be ready. He will seek counseling over the weekend, someone who incidentally swears by Marriage Builders, and I suspect she will tell him the same thing. He must get out of the fog himself. He is involved in a dangerous game and while in the fog it appears that he is the winner; in reality, he will be the loser all the way around.

well, im in the same boat ur husband is in, had an affair, and its very tough breaking it off, she has let me go since i want to work things out at home, but i find myself thinking of her too much, was it love or an infactuation, or was it my ego, since a young lady found me attractive, who knows, im a man and i wanted some attention for my needs and the lady met them for me. I was stupid to do it, and now my feelings are so messed up,even though i know it was wrong. so i know what ur husband is trying to do and its very difficult, maybe God is keeping us miserable so much that we wont want to do it again, who knows. good luck with ur situation, i just understand where ur husband is coming from, keep praying for him thatGod will somehow get him thru it

Alan, did you feel that you no longer loved your wife, either before or after the affair?