I found out for the the third time over the course of about 5 out of 7 years of marriage that my H was seeing the same OW. He's been married 3 times now and actually saw this woman during marraige number 2.

To make a long familiar story short, he was late getting home a couple weeks ago so I went to her apartment and confronted him. I knew for months but only direct 'caught in the act' type of confrontation will make him be at all honest.

After 3-4 days of total pain and numbness, I read a MB book which gave me hope and gave it to him to read. Not easy. After saying he'd do therapy he's now quite defensive and negative about the whole thing. He did write a no contact letter when I asked him too but called the OW's work place to get her address (she has a PO box, he claimed he did not know this number). She found out he called and called him back. He told her (supposedly) that he was sending her a letter re: not having any further contact as he wants to work on our marraige. She said she would not read any letter and that he'd feel differently in 6-8 weeks. (threat?)

We sent the letter, it was from him and we read it together and talked about it first. She sent if back unopened with "As I told you on the phone, I will not read this propaganda our friendship is not the problem don't try to cast me as the problem."

The first time he broke it off, she quit her (good) job with a law firm and moved to our state then tryed to get on the board of directors where I work. She now has a job in our field so she sees him at work functions, as do I. She actively purues him. She pretty much trys to avoid me.

The question, problem for me is that I really want her to get this message from him. I am struggling with wanting to e-mail it the message to her - it could come from his address but I quess you can't make someone read or hear something they don't want to hear.

I am working on being positive but wish we'd do more of the steps together. I ask him to tell me what his needs are, he claims he doesn't have any unmet needs that were being met through the A. We went on a vacation together and made lots of LD. I am trying to concentrate on us but feel haunted and helpless.

Should I pursue her getting this message or do I let it go? It's hard for me to not do something. I know he is to blame (and for the first time, he admits this too - not blaming me) but she is not exactly an innocent victim either, given her past actions.

Thanks for listening. I have no one to talk to about this.

Consult a lawyer about the possibility of filing a restraining order aganst her.

Thanks so much to both quick replies. It is nice to know that others find this behavior rather alarmingly unstable and it's not just my immense feelings of hurt and betrayal. I will talk to H about making sure she gets the message in a documented way. And we go from there...

I think you are directing your attention to the wrong person. Your H is the one who needs to leave this woman alone and if this is the 3rd time that you have caught him with her, then it is not only HER. Though I know it is easy to blame the OP but STOP. Your H is the one to blame. This woman owes you nothing, therefore writing to her is usless. Your H is the one who could end this all. His words have proven to be untrue in the past and the present. So now it's time for you to take hold of your FUTURE. What's it going to be, the same ole promises or this time ACTION WITH THE WORDS!

Thanks trying,

Yes, I know he is to blame. He is a terrible lier and the betrayal of all this hurts deeply. He has told me, this time, that he is the one to blame and this time blames no one but himself. In the past, he's blamed me.

He has promised to not see or contact her again. I just don't want this to be too hard. We've talked about moving but that would really be hard just now - work and all. And of course, she simply moved closer in the past. The fact that she threatened my job in the past also made it hard to not focus on her a little bit. He agreed to e-mail the letter to her today and once he did, she called our home then hung up so I feel she read the letter now. That makes it easier for me to focus to the future. (I hope this lasts.)

It does trouble me that he claims to not even like the OW. He says that if I left he would not end up with her as he doesn't really even like her. It's hard for me to imagine seeing someone over such a long period of time like he has and to not even like the person. To hurt me so much over someone he does not even like. I worry that this too is a lie but it may be one he's also telling himself, denial. If it is not denial then is he trying to make me feel easier and less suspicious of anything related to her? Time will tell.

He's weaning off prozac, bad timing I think and says he feels tired and down and edgey from that but I wonder if this may be related to withdrawl from the A and guilt too. It's hard for me to know how long to expect him to miss her and all since I don't really think he is being honest about how he feels about her. He also said she did not meet any unmet needs, he had just fooled himself into believing she did. He claims he was just being immature and needed to stop feeling sorry for himself as he is a very lucky person to have what he does have. He tells me that I should not worry about meeting any of his unmet needs, since he doesn't have any.

So I guess I just try to not do anything too horrible as far as withdrawls, I think the abbreviation used here is LBs. And wait to see. Usually instinct tells me first if he is seeing her again. He's given me access to his voice mail and e-mail now. We need to work on the schedule sharing more. Trust of course will never be completely there but I think it can improve with time.

I love him. It's just hard to believe that he could love me and at the same time do this - again and again. I sometimes think he just loves that I love him.