this is the first time i have posted a topic. most of the time i will read and think to myself, "i can relate to that", but today i have decided to ask for some advise. i am 38, husband is 47, this our 2nd marriage for both. we have been married 5 years. his first marriage ended due to an affair that he had while still married (not me). my first marriage ended due to the death of my husband. this marriage of 5 years has been very different from my first. i am a woman of TOTAL committment in every way. i put my husband before myself in every way imaginable, and always have. his needs and wants have come before my own. we have had a great sex life until recently. we have both been very sexual but he seems to be diminishing. i realize that part of this comes with his age but he is handling this situation in such a confusing manner that it is driving me insane inside. he has gone to the dr. for a routine checkup and mentioned to the dr. that his sex drive was not the same as it use to be so therefore, the dr. sent him for more test which determined that his testostrome is dropping. the dr. then prescribed a gel that he rubs on twice daily and that is bringing his level back up slowly. here is the confusing and sad thing for me...in the past six months, he has joined 3 porno sites, purchased a pump among some other toys. before we have sex at all, he has to "prepare" himself. he will watch the porno either on internet, chat with other women on internet or watch a porno tape while pumping himself, then call for me, or i have to wait till he is ready. there is no more spontaneous sex at all these days. i feel like i am so undesirable and so unsexy that i no longer can turn him on with just being me, and doing what i know he enjoys. not to sound vain, i am a very attractive woman that gets lots of attention from other men. i frequently am told how attractive i am by others, but i dont understand how i can not turn on my hubby on anylonger. when i ask him about this his reply is, honey, it isnt you, it is me. i understand that to a degree, but last night, i entered the room to find him chatting and watching another woman on internet sitting in front of the computer with a remarkable hard on, without pumping. now i really feel like i am not good enough or that something really is wrong with me. as soon as i entered he went to another screen and his hard on left. im sorry this post is so long, but i really could use some understanding this morning. i have not slept very much and i am so hurt and confused this morning and i feel that i am losing my hubby sexually. i dont know how to handle this situation. PLEASE help me.

JMHO...this is your H's problem...NOT yours! While I think it's great that he's gone to the doctor and that he's pro-actively sought out help....I find his choice of "aids" to be unproductive and harmful to the marriage. He should NOT be talking on-line to women, going to live porn sites. That's betraying...not getting help. He's inviting others into this side of your marriage. Now much of this may have to do with his fears of poor performance, men are very visual creatures when compared to women, but he's excluding you from his "get ready" time which of course leaves you without any "get ready" attention.

You need to discuss this aspect of your sexual relationship. While you may or may not appreciate even soft porn, if this is at the moment a need of his to combat his fear of failure, then maybe the two of you could watch together AND be attentive to each other at the same time.

Personally, I'd have a fit about my H contacting and watching live porn on the internet. It might be the safest "safe sex" there is...but to my way of thinking...that's cheating! jmho

While it's nice that you always put your H first...I sincerely hope this is an untrue statement. It's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for your marriage. Needs which should be met must flow from both directions to have a healthy marriage. No one partner should ever always get "top billing"...that's not a true partnership.

Thank you just a wifey...I appreciate your advise and the statements you made were so true. I just feel alittle undesirable right now. The fact that he does watch and chat with other women bothers me a great deal and I have talked with him on this subject. He feels that he is doing nothing wrong. His reply is that it is interesting...and nothing on a personal level will errupt from this behavior. He says that it is all just a game with him. He tells me that if I have a problem with it that I need to learn of a way to deal with it. I have asked him the question, "what if I were the one that was watching other men"? His reply was "it would be okay and I wouldnt have a problem with it." Im sorry, but I dont find that to be the correct answer for me. I dont desire watching another man. I only want my man and want him to only want me..He is working out of town for several weeks and I feel sure that during that time he will visit several strip clubs and video stores and I am having a difficult time just giving me the benefit of the doubt thus far. I know that this is a habit for him and I have never had a real problem with him going when he would tell me but when I found out that he would lie to me about going to these places, I started really doubting and having a problem with the deceit. I think especially now that he knows how I am feeling about the whole situation that he will not be honest with me when he does visit these places. But, at the same time, I dont want to second guess what he tells me. How do I deal or cope? I have prayed harder the last several days for my marriage and my husband than I ever have. Thanks again for your advise.

lovingwife, please read the articles here about internet betrayals. They are informative and will give you some information on which to base your feelings. You are correct, btw...his behavior is NOT ok...and you should NOT have to "get over it".

im sorry to hear about ur husband acting like he is, getting hooked on porn, is not good, hes living in a fantasy world, where he is in control of the outcome.I cant believe the doctor would think this behavior is good for him. I hope things will work out for u