Easter Day was lovely. Everyone was happy except me. My children pressured me to invite my spouse (how you ask?). By crying, pleading, etc.,etc. My children had been thru so much, how could I not. Well, it went well; however, I was so unhappy. I knew my husband was enjoying the "perks" of being with the family over the holiday, but not committing back to us and our relationship. I felt so utterly helpless because I was so unhappy. We drove to my aunt's for dessert in which he opened a bit about an argument he had with his father that Friday evening. The conversation turned towards "us". He stated that he didn't know what he wanted with his life, but it wasn't related to the A. So, there you go. From Fog to Depression....now, I'm totally frustrated....do you think the OW is still involved and this is another excuse. How can my H be in my company without feeling horrible, while I'm destroyed. He just doesn't understand

There is no way I can answer your questions...only your H knows what is going on inside of his head. But confusion I would think would be normal for him.

I just wanted to give you a hug! (((Karena)))

I understand that this weekend holiday was a hard one for you...but I do believe that what you did was the right thing for your children.

Thanks....I know I sound as though I whine a great deal, but it is this emotional thing. I'm responsible for my very own actions and just when I believe that I am strong enough....I give in. I tried once again implementing this Plan B (my letter will be completed tomorrow, with the help of my counselor). I told my husband that his time is his and that when he finally comes out of this fog and prepared to work on "us", then I'll contemplate our relationship. He agreed, but then, after I left for work, he called over to my parents house (where I am living with the kids) asking to speak with me. He does not continually do this, but just enough to let me believe that he is interested in keeping the lines open. My daughter's birthday is Sunday and I suspect, he'll want to participate. Having him there, makes ME DEPRESSED; however, how do I explain this to my little girl. She wants him there, as well as my son wanting his Dad around, but it just makes me so damned miserable. Having him so close, yet so distant makes my heart ache for the relationship we once were so engaged in. We had our ups and downs, but for 15 years we stuck it out. With a thoughtless act such as the A, it has made me feel as though he is a perfect stranger. Never any emotion, touches, etc....just stares, as though he were assessing whether I have CHANGED! It makes me sad, it makes me crazy and I feel utterly defenseless.

Karena-

I'm sorry to read of your predicament and see that things have been so tough lately. For the BDay, I'd suggest coming up with some sort of compromise with her where you and your H celebrate separately. That way you won't be exposed to him. If you start feeling guilty about depriving her of having both parents together, remind yourself that the best situation for your kids long term is for you to be a healthy relationship with a committed partner. Good luck....

I'm not at all sure how anyone can do a really great Plan B, when you've got children where the parents should show a united front...plus, it's so difficult for children no matter how you go about it.

All I can say is that you are NOT whinning!!!! You've got real complaints and real problems which you're doing your very best to face and solve. That's NOT whinning!!!!!

As for Plan B, maybe if you ONLY discuss your children with H...any other topic...you end the discussion and tell him that there is nothing to talk about which isn't directly related to the kids. I realize, that in fact, all of it does relate to the children...but it's all I can think of at this time.

As for the Bday of DD...litchfield might have the best idea. Nothing wrong with having two celebration of that wonderful day. When DD brings it up (as well as DS) just tell them that they get to do it twice this year, once with mommy and once with daddy. Kids do adjust, it's hard...but they do.

If your H is staring...then make very sure that he has something attractive to stare at whenever you are forced with dealing him. Become standoffish and a little cool, calm and collected when dealing with him. Make him wonder. Don't give him information about yourself or your activities. Breakdown if necessary after he's off the phone or out of sight.

He's kept you wondering and worry about him...try if possible to turn the tables. JMHO

Just A Wifey...God, what wisdom. Yesterday during dinner, I found him staring. He continually asks me, "what's wrong" when I'm not talkative. What I really want to do is rip his head off, but I try, to the best of my ability, to maintain a calm demeanor. I get such mixed emotions from this man, but never any physical ones. I'm not saying that I think we should jump into bed together (heaven knows, I'm not ready for that myself...still trying to overcome anger). But, a little hug wouldn't hurt. He bought me and the children lovely little Easter presents, my daughter and I matching bunnies and my son, a cowboy set. Accompanying each gift was a card (to wife, daughter and son). It was very thoughtful, but instead of smiling when he handed it to us, it was with a pained expression. I didn't want to accept (it was almost like someone had a gun to his back), but I did to keep peace. I do not know how this man cannot see thru this FOG, but any help in trying to make it dissipate a bit faster would be better.

karena...when I divorced my first H, I wasn't interested in all in getting back with him...but I did want him to realize what he lost.

Whenever he came by for the girls, I ALWAYS looked good, I ALWAYS had someplace to go, or at least made it seem that way, but I NEVER told him where I was going. I would time my coming home to when he was returning the girls...again, if asked, I always smiled and said I'd been "out". Drove him NUTS. It didn't take long before anytime he came by to get the girls...he always had some excuse to come into my apartment wanting to sit and chat with me, but I was "too busy, late for an appt.", even though I always had the girls waiting at the window for his arrival and out the door before he could get there. It didn't take long before he was trying to get me to reconcile...now this is the same man who married his OW the day our divorce was final and she became PG during these months he'd come by and was about half way through when he gave me the "run away with me speech". While I didn't laugh in his face, I did tell him that I wasn't interested

It gave me the ego boost I needed at the time, can't say I'm really proud of myself, but that was what I needed.

It's a sad fact, often what we can have, we de-value...what we can't seem to have, we pursue to our downfall.

Now, on the flipside...there was a woman who's H had left, she made herself available to her H while always being happy, attractive, attentive whenever he was around. She'd always "just happen" to have his favorite cigar whenever he came over. She didn't say a cross word and she appeared to be happy. In a couple of months...her H returned home.

So, I guess depending on your courage and your strength and what might work best for you...any type of plan might work in your situation. You're the best judge of knowing what might work with your H and what might instead backfire on you.

Good Luck!