Out of the blue my the OW's husband called me yesterday. I had not heard from him since he called to tell me all about my husband's affair with his wife in mid Sept. (My H moved home last week of Sept.) OW's H said he was calling to give me a heads up that his wife had left him again (she had moved back with him right after my husband moved back home) and he thinks that his W and my H are seeing each other again. Needless to say I became hysterical. Her H said his wife just up and left a couple days ago, and he doesn't know where she is. He wanted to know if my H and I are still together and if I thought my H was seeing her. My H hadn't been acting real suspicious lately so I told her H that. He went on to tell me that his W didn't believe the letter my H wrote her was true (the get lost letter) and that my H "loved" her. Says my H told OW that when he was drunk. She has been denying to her H that their affair was physical so I informed him that it most definitely was and my H had confessed. This man desparately wants his wife back (I'm glad about that!). <P>I called my H immediately after talking to this man and asked him what was going on. Of course I was crying when I called and he knew something bad had happened, so I told him about the call. He got very very angry, said he was going to call her H and set him straight. When H got home I told him all about the call, he steadfastly denied having any contact whatsoever with OW, says he loves me and wants to work our marriage out. I told him if he has any feelings for her at all, I will step aside, let him go, and never will interfere in his life again - told him I want him to be happy, and if he would be happier with her, would he please leave now and spare me any more pain. H said he doesn't want to leave, doesn't want her. I asked him if he told her that he loved her - he said he NEVER told her that and that he did not love her. He was going to call her husband last nite, but we talked for so long he didn't get to. Says he is going to call him tonight. <P>I told my husband last night that we must and I mean MUST go to counseling, we cannot fix this ourselves, after he asked me how are we going to work this out. He did not say he would go, but he didn't say he wouldn't either. I am going to make us an appt. with my pastor, and if my husband refuses to go, I will tell him he has to move out. Last night I asked him to please go to at least 2 counseling sessions. He didn't say he would, but he didn't say he wouldn't. <P>Please pray for us to make it. I have been so upset lately with my dad being seriously ill -- he has cancer --, my marriage falling apart, my husband's drinking problem, and now this.... At least my H said he understands how upset I am over my dad. <BR>Thank you all for listening. I really need some advice as to what I should do now. I feel like I am at the end of my rope emotionally. I can't stop crying these days. <BR>

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Alcoholic's Wife</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I hope your H does go to counseling... it'll help both him and you... <P>Prayers for your during a very difficult time in your life...<P>Jim

Hello AW, I am so sorry about you father. YOu have a lot to deal with, so go ahead and cry til all the tears are gone. It is okay, sometimes we really need to just let it all out. <BR>Kind of a tough spot you are in. Be careful not to issue ultimatums that you are not ready to follow thru on. It leaves you in a tough spot when the alcoholic changes his tune so often. Are you going to al-anon? Sorry, I cannot recall. <BR>It is a lot for you to deal with on your own, so I hope h will go to counseling. If he does not, can you go on your own? Remember you have the abuse to deal with also, and counseling may help there.<BR>Would keep a very close eye on h now that the ow is out of her house. I am sure this makes both of you very uncomfortable. But if the affair is really over, this is a good test for him. Maybe try looking at it from that perspective and it will bring both of you strength during this hard time? <BR>(((hugs))) and prayers, cl

AW...sorry you are in so much pain. I hope your H will go to counseling. As cl said, be careful about issuing ultimatums (especially to an alcoholic). Alcoholics tend to change their minds & moods so often. It's part of the disease. Hopefully the OW & your H have not been in contact with each other. Prayers are with you.

Thanks for your hugs and replys. CL, yes I have been going to al-anon. I had been seeing a psychologist since last Jan. but quit going to see her about a month ago. I kept feeling worse after leaving her office, and felt like nothing was accomplished. I'm planning to make an appt. today with my pastor for counseling. If my H won't go, I will anyway. I feel pretty strongly that if he flat refuses to go to at least one counseling session, I have to ask him to leave, since his refusal would indicate to me that 1) he does not care about my feelings, and 2) he must be in contact with OW. There are just so many other issues we need help on that we apparently can't solve ourselves. Deep down he knows this. My h is going to his mother's over Xmas, this may help him decide to go because she has already been telling him he needs to get some counseling. Since I won't be with him until Xmas eve (I'm going to see my dad first, then flying in to his mothers) she'll have plenty of time before I get there to work on him. She has been after him for years to do something about his alcohol problem. She told me that her church prayer group is all praying for him. I'll keep praying for him and am going to ask the pastor to add him to our church's prayer chain. I firmly believe that with God all things are possible, including removing the OW's presence from my husband, both physically and in his mind.

AW,<P>I'm lighting my candle and saying a prayer. Lean hard on God and give all of this "stuff" over to Him. Read again the chapter on His Mind in our book study in the women's bible study forum, I think it says alot concerning your situation. God can erase any imprint that the OW has made of your H's mind.<BR>That phone call may seem out of the blue but remember it wasn't. Your faith is in the One who knows all things.

Taj, Now I am scared. Do you think that God is telling me my husband is still involved with her? I've been praying my heart out all morning. Thanks for the reminder to re-read His Mind. I'll do that as soon as I get home tonight. I'm at work and don't have my book with me. I have been praying for God to resolve our problems.

AW,<P>Don't let fear even enter your mind. Remember fear is not from God, He gives us power, love and a sound mind. I think this shows God wants to really clean this mess up and not leave anything left to smolder. You are strong in the Lord so hang in there.<P>I don't believe you need to understand the why of all this just that God wants to restore your marriage. I know that for a fact because He honors marriage and what He has joined together is to remain.<P>Hugs and Prayers<p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited December 17, 1999).]

Thank you Taj. I'm trying not to be fearful. All I can do is keep praying. All of this is in God's hands.

Hi AW -<P>It must have been so awful to get that call from OW's H......YUCK!!!!<P>I have a different perspective on this, maybe it will help you......<P>Since you don't "feel" that there has been any suspicious activity going on with H.....I tend to think that there isn't!! Think back to when there were times when you "felt" what was going on - you can definitely tell something was different with him....if not sensing that now, then don't focus on it so much that you conjure it up!!<P>I think that God might be using this "affair" issue as a catalyst to get him some help......you know he won't for Alcoholism...but maybe with you having these painful affair issues thrown at you - he can actually see how he caused them....<P>Does that make sense? <P>In other words, maybe this call is God's design to get him the help he needs, in a way that he can't out and out refuse!!<P>He can deny his alcoholism (which is mostly to himself) but he will accept the fact of his affair and it's consequences......so get him to counseling for that and then the Alcoholism can be addressed also!!!!<P>So, I wouldn't dwell too much on this OW, who knows where she ran off too!!!<P>I would keep your imagination on a very short leash and concentrate on getting H to counseling.<P>I agree that if he absolutely refuses to counsel, that something needs to change.<P>Wait until after his mother gets a hold of him and then see what the new year brings!!! Don't forget that the court will hopefully make him go for help!!!<P>Bide your time through the Holidays...relax a bit and have some fun!! Changes are in the air!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Dear AW,<P>I am so sorry to hear this. You have some good advice, and don't be afraid. You aren't alone - God is with you and so are your friends here.<P>You have some major grief to go through right now, with your dad and possible grief with your marriage. Everything in your life seems to be hanging by a thread.<P>But that thread is your life line! Your prayers are powerful! And I would agree with Sheba, that if you haven't been suspecting anything then probably he hasn't had any significant contact. Keep your faith in the Lord, and believe that God is hearing your prayers. He is. He is your refuge and strength, and an ever present help in trouble. He has high plans for you. Higher than you could dream.<P>All things work together for good..... for those..... Romans 8:28. So, although all of this is a huge plate for you, just know that all of it will be integral components of something good for you. Keep that hope in your heart.<P>Thank God for the outcome, even though you aren't sure what it is. Thank him for everything, even the bad. He loves a thankful heart.<P>TNT<BR>

Sheba - Once again your wisdom and insight was right on target!! And, yes, back during the time before we separated and he was involved in his affair even though I didn't know it for sure I definitely "felt" there was something going on with someone, but didn't know who, even though he adamantly denied it. You may think I'm goofy (my friends do) but I knew when my husband was being unfaithful because I dreamed it. It would always be a very real dream that woke me up. I haven't had that dream since he moved home (now watch, I'll have one tonight since I've said this). During our separation, and before the OW's husband called me the first time with the bad news, I had a vivid dream that my husband was having an affair with an ex-friend of mine, who happens to be a bleached blonde (so is OW) and has the same first name as the OW! 3 years ago when H had an affair I dreamed about that one too well before I found out, only that time the OW in my dream was the one he had the affair with (that one was an intense EA - I found out before it went too far, which was exactly where they were headed).<P>You know, your theory about getting him to counseling to resolve our issues about the affair, then start working on his drinking problem is EXACTLY what my pastor told me he wanted to do. God is at work here. <P>Getting my husband into alcohol rehabilitation is what the prosecutor told me was his goal. My H has been after me to call the prosecutor and tell him H doesn't need counseling, blah blah blah. I told my H I would contact the prosecutor but I feel he needs counseling. Guess what, I called prosecutors office 2 times, left messages, he never called me back.... Each time I called I said a prayer to God to please handle this situation according to His will. I have felt ever since my H was arrested that God is handling the legal issues. God will handle the adultery issue too.... I just have to let it go and hand it completely over to Him. That's hard to do!<P>TNT - thank you so much for your kind words. I have been so overwhelmed with my dad's sudden illness and our marital problems that this new bombshell almost did me in. I have repeated the verse All things work to the good for those who love the Lord over and over in my mind lately. I truly believe that there will be something good come out of all this pain. One good thing has already happened, my H has not been abusive in the 3 mos. he has been home. If God can remove this from my husband's life He can certainly remove the OW from our lives. I have to keep faith and hope that this will be true. I will pray without ceasing about this, and am adding the OW's husband to my prayer list. He is just as brokenhearted as I am. <BR>

dear taj:<P>in your reply to AW, you said that fear is not from God. i agree. and i keep clinging to this when i feel anger & despair closing over me!<P>my prayer has been (is) that if things are still going on between my H and the OW, that i would not be blind to it.<P>in harley's book where he discusses using plans A&B, he says sometimes the straying spouse is getting positive strokes from both the wife & the lover. this creates an atmosphere for the betraying spouse that he doesn't want to leave. (my paraphrase)<P>so while implementing plan A, i also want to be aware if the OW is NOT out of the picture!<P>i've got to say to all of you out there that i am most encouraged by reading the posts on this forum!<P>much encouragement to each of you back<BR>lost girl<P>

AW - I am SOO sorry. You've been so strong and are doing such a good job. Everyone else has great advice. And I do pray that he will join you in counselling. <P>Hugs and prayers for you.<P>Lori

Lostva, thanks so much for the hugs and prayers. I talked to H a little about the phone call from the OW's husband today, and we were able to discuss it without me LB. He still hasn't agreed to go to counseling, but I'll keep praying that he will go anyway. <P>Today he went back to his friends house where he was living while we were separated and got all the rest of his stuff. I guess he's "officially" back home now. I'm going to re-read SAA over the holidays and try to finish Power of a Praying Wife since I will probably be spending most of my holiday vacation with my dad in the hospital. My husband is going to his mothers and if things go well with my dad's surgery, I'll meet H at his mothers for Xmas day. This time apart will give my MIL time to work on husband about going to counseling with me. He'll do it if she asks him to, he worships his mother. <P>I hope that everything is going ok for you. I've been following your story and am so hopeful that things will work out for you and your husband. You are in my prayers too. God bless you.