My W has been aware for some time that I am returning to our home town (some 3 months). She would dearly love to return also but is hanging on for the sake of the OM there in lies a conflict of interest.<P>Last night we were discusssing the issue after doing an exchange of Chrissy presents with our D. (W has invited OM around Xmas day so i wouldn't like to be a guest)<P>Towards the end of the evening, or should I say early morning, the topic came up of me leaving (I leave this Sunday). She broke down and cried saying that she felt she was being deserted (we barely see each other, maybe 2-3 times a week.<P>I told her it was what I had to do to protect myself and also that I felt I was totally unneeded by her and truly believed if I dissapeared of the face of the planet it would mean zip to her ( not quite in those words!).<P>I also said that the choice of staying here was purely her own decision and that she was welcome to go down and purchase a ticket for herself and D anytime and come with me.<P><BR>My question is should I be made to feel guilty over this decision? Do you think I am being fair, she is still full tilt with the OM. <P>I will still fly in regularly to visit my D but as far as the W is concerned she seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, what do you think? Anyone ever experience a similar situation?<P>Please help<P>Fairenough

I haven't experienced it, however according to Dr. h's principles you are 100% in the right. Your wife is the one who deserted, by having an affair. Remember plan-b is no contcact.<P>Bill<P>...To Thine Ownself Be True...<BR> Wm. Shakespear<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Bill<P>I have talked to Dr H over the concept of what I am doing, but not since this latest episode. I think her thoughts are as follows:-<P>"I love you, but I am not in love with you, please stay close by me as a safety net as I am not 100% certain of where this other relationship is taking me. If this hurts you in the process please bear in mind that i need to be absolutely sure before I let you go completely"<P>Does anyone feel that this is the case?<P>Fairenough

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is hard... the first few weeks for you will be the absolute worse! <P>But hang tough... <BR>We can help... post when you think you're not making it.<P>When you fly in to see your D, can you avoid contact with your W... have D over a friend or relative's house?<P>This is hard...<P>Prayers for <B>your</B> strength!<P>Jim

Thanks Jim<P>Yes I am not looking forward to Plan B, although as time goes by the actions of my W are starting to get to me<P>I have to keep reminding myself that she is not herself at the moment under this addiction. <P>I have spoken with Steve Harley and he suggested that even although I am relocating it may pay to establish a Plan A for as long as I am able to by phone, my W suggested once per week last night, what do you think, this is no where near frequent enough I feel it should be either every day or every other day.<P>It suprised me a little to see my W upset by the move so now I don't know what to think??<P>Why does life have to be so damn complicated?<P>regards<BR>fairenough

fairenough,<P>Yes, if you are still keeping the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... there's got to be <B>more</B> contact between you and the kids... and you need to show her what you've done to make you better.<P>This is hard to do... not emotionally... but because of the distance. I too am in a long distance <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... until Jan/Feb. It is difficult to meet any of my W's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> when... she is here 10-15 minutes every 2 weeks.<P>On the occasions we do see each other... she just LB's at me left an right. I don't LB at her anymore.<P>Keep us informed as to when you're going to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<P>Keep her knowing that you care... (of course same for the kids too.)<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Fairenough,<BR>If moving is what you think you should do then I say do it!!! Dr. H also suggests moving away from the situation. I can't say that I know alot about your situation but if your W got that upset, I'd say that it is safe to say that she is not sure and yes she probally does look to you as a safety net. And that is ok, when the affair ends, you will have a place ready for you both to make a fresh start together.<P>Good Luck to You<P>Genie

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"I love you, but I am not in love with you, please stay close by me as a safety net as I am not 100% certain of where this other relationship is taking me. If this hurts you in the process please bear in mind that i need to be absolutely sure before I let you go completely"<P>What a crock! So she wants to hurt you by hanging around until she can dump you?!?! The mind of the adulterer is a mess. I feel sorry for them.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Genie29<BR>Thanks for your support, yes it is time I made the move. this has disrupted our lives for long enough.<BR>CA123<BR>This was my interpretation of her thoughts, but I don't think I am far wrong. Yes the mind of an adulterer is positively on auto pilot.<BR>regards<BR>Fairenough

Hi fairenough,<P>I think you are right on with the "I love you but not in love with you" concept. It appears to be SOP for a lot of otherwise "good" people. <P>Is she also doing the "I gotta pursue my soulmate" number? And please, I hope you don't think I'm being cynical or crass. Sheepishly, I admit I did a bit of it with Suse. And, she probably would have done it with me had she not been advised against it by her counsellor so long ago. Suffice it to say, it's all part of the madness experience.<P>As for your initiative to move back and go to Plan B... do what you've got to do. As I see it, part of Plan B is whacking the spouse in the head with a two-by-four of reality. You ain't gonna wait around is what she'd better get used to. Sometimes the shock-factor brings them back. At minimum, it will allow you to heal.<P>The constant reminder of infidelity is like a wound that won't heal. Repetitive contact is like breaking a scab open before it can bind. Not fun. Can be painful. Oftentimes messy.<P>This has got to be pretty frustrating. You two sound like such rational people. Anyhoo... I think you're taking steps in the right direction. But, better to leave a trail just in case someone might want to follow down your path.<P>Good luck.

DuncanMac<BR>Thanks for your reply.<BR>In answer to your question, the subject of the OM is taboo, she doesn't like talking about him at all. Early on in this saga she mentioned how she had re-evaluated her life and where she was going (she is 40yrs old).<BR>I think maybe part of that she explained as finding her "soulmate'.<P>I feel it is the right thing to do at the right time. It has certainly made her think.<P>Take care<BR>Fairenough<BR>

Fairenough - If you feel the time is right, then I agree, you're doing what you need to do.<P>I know it's hard, but best of luck to you.<P>Lori

Fairenough-<BR>I think the real issue with your W is that she feels she is loosing control; control of the situation and control of you. Now, don't think for a minute that this is a bad thing, it isn't. <P>The thing that is important is follow through. If you say you're going to do something, then follow through on it, no matter how minor it is. Eventually, she will come to trust your word for what it is, and if there comes a time when you offer her a place in Vic, she will know that you mean it.<P>At this point, expect her to use every type of emotional blackmail to try and regain control. She might try guilt trips, or how this will effect your D, anything. Just be strong, and do what is right for YOU!<P>At the same time, do the move and any future contact in the most loving way possible. Let her know that she can join you if she wishes, that she is welcome. Don't be defensive about your decision, but firm and gentle.<P>As for which plan to follow: sorry, can't help there. Do what feels right, and what you are happiest with. If you want the contact, then take baby steps. Given time and enough absence, the frequency and length of the calls might increase. She might even make the trip east to you, instead of you always going west, and then you'd be in your home turf, with friends and family, a different environment from where the OM lives, and, hey presto, she might just see the light.<P>Please don't feel that you need to decide now, before you board the plane, as to what action if any you will take. Don't commit yourself either way. Wait and see how you feel once you're there.<P>(I am assuming you live in WA at present and that you're going back to VIC. Can't remember exactly, but think that's right. If I'm wrong, sorry.)<P>Wishing you all the best on your journey.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Fairenough,<P>Yep, she is starting to get nervous, because she will begin to feel some consequences of her affair. Who knows - this may be the jolt she needs to see that she really needs and wants YOU! HOPE SO <P>What have you decided about contact once you are moved? I know you are planning to visit D, but what about other contact...is W going to call you and write you, or is she expecting you to do all the contacting???<P>I will try to check for your answer tomorrow if I can. I am at my dad's and on a long-distance line...costing him extra for me to be on-line. So I am trying to be here just a few minutes....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey there fairenough,<P>Our friends here have offered some very good perspective on Plan B. I don't have any experience with it myself but have sure been in support of some folks here who have.<P>Hey, you certainly got a reaction out of her. That's one good sign, at least. But, Raenbow and RMA had some good advice. Gotta be consistent.<P>Good luck and hang in there. We're here when you need us.

Folks, sorry fo the tardiness in reply but there was a move to Victoria took place over the past couple of days. <P>Mixed feelings about the move but becoming more positive all the time, My D arrives on the 28th Dec for 2 weeks so am looking forward to that.<P>Lori, thanks for kind wishes.<P>Raenbow, thanks for your wise words. You may be right about the Ws feeling of loss of control, I imagine the move has been quite dramatic (it certainly has for me.) She would be thinking much about her position at the moment. <P>Your advise about the road ahead all makes sense and much of what you say I will be following. No need for a firm Plan B at this stage, I believe this has had a major impact, I plan to let this run for a while with contact. I have the support of many friends back here she only has the OM. <P>Trust is the biggest issue at this stage and I plan to continue to develop a strong sense of trust between us.<P>You are correct about the move it was from WA to Vic.<P>RMA, what can I say, good to here from you? Hope you enjoyed your short vacation, dare say you needed it? When is your next date with H, soon I hope? I sent you an email, did you receive?<P>In answer to your queries, D arrives 28th dec for 2 weeks, am really looking forward to that, have lots of time together (however this gives W and OM chance for a honeymoon). <BR>Don't know how much contact as yet, however W rang last night and was ready for quite a chat. It will be interesting to see how the communication develops as when I was in WA we were in each others company on a fairly regular basis (2-3 times per week), sometimes 4-5hrs at a time. <P>I would assume she will be fishing for how I am doing over here as she is really hanging out to get back to Victoria.<BR> <BR>regards<BR>Fairenough <P> <P> Wishing you all the best on your journey.<BR>

DuncanMac<P>Your right about the advise, lots of it and all makes good sense. Will keep you posted. Thanks for the good wishes.