I discovered 10 days ago that my wife is having an affair. She met the OM (a European resident) on a trip to Europe in late April, and they corresponded via e-mail, letter and telephone until late July when he flew over here to the States to see her while I was out of town for a week. My wife had previously confessed to me upon her return from Europe in May that she had met and kissed OM. Upon hearing this, I naturally was angry and initially lashed out at her, but soon thereafter I begged her to tell me what she felt the problems were in our relationship. She kept telling me over and over that she just needed time, all the while corresponding with OM and planning her rendezvous with him while I was away. <P>One week after I returned from my trip, I discovered OM's airline boarding pass in my house, and I confronted my wife. She gradually confessed to me that he had stayed at our home while I was away. I have asked my wife if she loves OM, and she has told me that she believes she does. She also claims to still love me. I know that she continues to correspond with OM via e-mail, letter and telephone.<P>Since discovering the affair, I have been desparately trying to adhere to Plan A. I have asked my wife what emotional needs I have not met in our relationship, and I am trying to provide those to her. Although, I feel that I am fighting an uphill battle, as I know that my wife continues to correspond with OM, and I know he encourages her to leave me. I also feel as though I may be trying too hard to fulfill those emotional needs to the point where I am smothering her. I have not asked my wife to break off contact with OM for fear of upsetting her, but I have made it clear to her that it is very painful knowing that she still has contact with him.<P>Naturally, I am anxious to repair our marriage. My wife has asked me to "just be patient." But I am finding that very difficult. We have talked about separation, but I am reluctant to do so without at least trying Plan A. Part of me tells me, however, that separation may be beneficial since it is unlikely that she will see OM in the near future. That part of me hopes that she will begin to miss me during the period of separation, just as she misses OM now.<P>Any thoughts? Too early to abandon Plan A? Go straight to Plan B since OM is a thousand miles away?

quick and dirty response:<BR>from what i have learned here, it is essential to do plan A for at least a couple months, so that if you have to go to plan B, she will have good memories of you.<BR>this is all pretty new right now, so don't make any rash decisions.<P>ps, he stayed in your house? blechhhchchch.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Having the OM at your house seems awful. <P>You are fortunate to have found this place. If you haven't gotten the book SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley, do so, it will help clarify Plan A & B to you. 10 days is not very long for Plan A, 3-6 months is recommended. Plan B is to be used when you can't go on with Plan A and are losing too many love units. There is no going straight to Plan B in the Harley materials.<P>Don't choose separation if you don't have to. I've been separated 5 times from my H, it is much easier to work on a marriage when you live in the same house, although I don't see separation as the end. I've never done Plan B in any of the separations, mostly because of our children...and I like to see my H.

J - your situation is so similar to mine I can hardly believe it. <BR>My H met a woman in England in May (while in a class) they corresponded (email) and met in Boston in July. I found out 8/8 about their relationship when I discovered a letter from her. It left no doubt in my mind what went on in Boston and she wrote to him of 'starting their new life together'. She has a 2 1/2 year old son and we have no kids. H is 52. I found this web site right after the discovery of her letter. (Thank God) When H came back from England he was distant, but chalked it up to his class (experiential) and was working through some issues. <P>I discovered that I had been using Plan a with him since May and continue to. When I confronted him about the relationship, he acknowledged it and feels like he needs to figure it out (chose). He is staying with a friend at nights, but we communicate and/or see each other almost every day and have been having some pretty healthy conversations. I know he has been calling and emailing OW. <P>Staying with Plan A is really hard and emotionally tough. Some days I think I'm going to go crazy. But thanks to this site and alot of good friends, I'm holding my own. I urge you to stick with it. That way you'll know you did everything possible. <P>If you read my other posting from today (Help - Go to Plan B) you'll see that H is trying to figure it out! He called OW today and she's on the next plane from England to Mpls (really) . I just found out from him (via an email) about 3 hours ago. I'm totally wigged out and don't know what to do. <P>Hang in there. In a weird way, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is having such an unbelievable experience. YOurs is so similar.

I agree, stay in plan A for aslong as possible, but you need to protect yourself. Go to webroot.com and get "winguardian", set it to take a snapshop everyminute that the computer is online. This will allow you to see what she/they say to each other. It will only work as long as she doesn't know about it...goodluck.<P>------------------<BR>

Thanks for the comments so far. Here's an UPDATE. I walked into my wife's office this afternoon while she was on the telephone with OM. She and I talked briefly about our relationship, and she apologized to me for my having seen (and heard) her conversation with him. During our conversation she reminded me that I promised her I would be patient, and she stated that she needs a week to herself (away from me and away from contact with OM) to think. I'm scared to death. Good idea or bad idea?

J,<BR> What do you think of a man that"encourages" a wife to leave her husband,and be with him instead? I could tell you what I think,but they don't allow obscenity on this board.Your wife tells you to be patient,but(and here's the hard part)the more she contacts him,the more she'll fall in love with him.Somebody new and exciting.My W did the same thing.Lucky for you,he's from another country,so maybe this thing will burn out rather quickly.I would try to avoid seperation(just gives her more time alone to think about him),and try doing whatever you can to save your marriage.Have you tried to get her into counciling? Maybe buying some of the books suggested on this board might be a good idea.Maybe a weekend alone somewhere,where the two of you can really talk together."Private Lies" would be a good book for both of you to read,because it discusses the different kinds of love.It also disusses the pitfalls of divorce and remarriage.Try to stay calm,and don't do anything rash(killing the OM is'nt an option!)Take care. --Murph

Don't mean to be a 'realist'. My H's OW is in England. That doesn't stop them. Multiple emails every day.. phone calls (I found the bill), letters and packages. If anything I believe it stimulates the fantasy (because of the distance) ..." If only we were closer"...

Buy Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and read it immediately.

Tell her this is killing you. You can only take so much and her leaving for a week is too much. Plus, how would that help anything. Get into counseling right away. Sounds like she is in a downward spiral. You need to gets some brakes on this. She needs to stop contact and commit to you that she will at least try. Wow!, you are in some tough times - I have been close but knowing he was in your house must be real tough to take. Read some of Harley's material on this site about stopping the affair. Keep posting here - it helps a lot. Ron

Hi,<BR>I was reading this thread and I wondered... have you followed Dr. Harley's advice for before you implement Plan A...<P>Here is an excerpt from his web page of information on infidelity and Plan A & Plan B... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>"My overall plan for marital recovery after an affair has three basic stages. The first stage separates the unfaithful spouse and the lover; the second stage maintains that separation through the period of emotional withdrawal experienced by the unfaithful spouse who is addicted to the lover; and the third stage recovers love between spouses, eliminates resentment of the betrayed spouse, and protects the marriage against future affairs. The goals of the third stage are achieved by following four rules (protection, care, honesty and time). <P> With this background, we're ready to talk about Plan A and plan B. These two plans are used in the first stage of marital recovery to separate the unfaithful spouse from the lover. They are alternative ways to deal with this objective and are both described in my book, "Surviving an Affair" (pages 75-83). <P> My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair. Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction). But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse. It's the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair. Continued contact with a lover simply perpetuates the suffering of the betrayed spouse indefinitely."<P>To me this says that the affair must end first before you can implement Plan A or Plan B. Period.<P>Hope this helps to clarify. Good luck.<BR>Thoughtful<BR>

I know Plan A can be hard to keep doing. But you really have to try to make it work. At least you can say you have done everything to save the marriage you possibly can. Try to stick it out. <P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki

thoughtful, the way I read it (I'm open to clarification, anyone) Plan A is part of the first stage of marital recovery. The first stage is seperating the unfaithful spouse and lover. In other words, Plan A is how J should encourage his wife to end this affair. It seems key to me that part of Plan A is for J to ask his W to END this relationship! I think we all agree that it's highly unlikely you can even start marital recovery until the affair is over.<P>J, I'm sure you're afraid to do anything to scare your wife off. I think you're doing well if you can continue to avoid lovebusting, tell her how important this marriage is to you, and let her know that you believe this relationship stands in the way of any possible recovery. These people have some great advice!<P>Lizbeth<p>[This message has been edited by Lizbeth (edited August 25, 1999).]

I'm sorry to seem so uncaring, but this woman is having her cake and eating it too. She continues to contact the OM, but still has love for you? Meanwhile, you're torn between your love, and your own self-respect. Move on to Plan B, and use your newfound self-esteem to better your next relationship.

I went to Plan B last night. My situation is so similar to J's except that OW is on an airplane right now from England to Mpls to see H to see if they can figure out how to make it work. (along with her 2 1/2 year old kid) He knew about Plan B before and what it meant. I told him no contact with me in any way until OW leaves. Then I expect a face to face meeting with him to hear his decision. He needs to decide what he's going to do. I've been in limbo for 3 months while he's been trying to decide. Told him I'm getting on with my life. He can chose to be in it or not, but i'm moving on. God this is so hard. But he's had it both ways. I've had enough. My reserves are about used up. <BR>