One month later after the affair ended and I lost my job in Texas, I still cannot sleep and still think about her. Even though I am trying so hard to be supportive to my wife and not her name, I still have this emptiness inside of the affair and what it did to my life for three short months.

You know, you don't think about that (what your going to lose and the damage)when you become involved with someone that made you feel special. Although it was not real but just one big fantasy, you become "addicted" especially when you have not felt that way in so long.

I mean, my marriage was in trouble before I accepted the job in McAllen. All it took was someone to notice me and pay attention to me and then, the fire started.

My causes for no sleep is the fact that I lost my job that I loved, her new partner that I was "dumped for" also was asked to leave and she wound up with just a written warning.

Please group-I need some help!!!!

I am trying so hard to be supportive to my wife as she wants to keep the marriage intact. We are talking, going to marriage counciling, etc.

The feelings that I received from this woman while the affair was in full swing were so intense. I cannot shake it!!!!! It's over but I want to seek revenge and I want those feeling of newness back with my wife.

I just can't.

Help!!

Randy,

Was your A both an EA and PA? This sorta sounds like my H. He has known OW for over a year but A became PA in October. He told me about OW on Feb 14, 2003 which is our anniversary also. I cant see how he can continue to see and talk to her. I am not sure if he is still sleeping with her anymore. I asked him the other day and he said no. Last week or so he finally admitted to me that they love each other. We are at a point where we cant move on because he can't stop contact. He says he needs help with getting to that point first.

Can I ask you a question? How remorseful are you with your wife? My H tells me how sorry he is and how he can't stand to see me in so much pain, but other than that not any other remorse. I feel as though he should be making every possible attempt to help me through this like I am trying to help him, but he hasn't. This hurts the most right now. I have already told him I forgive him but now I need his help to forget and to rebuild trust. I feel as though my H has been abducted by aliens. Any thoughts from you side might me understand my H a little better.

Lisa!!! Please reply as I need someone to talk to. Perhaps someone from the group who understands can also reply. I do not not need someone to degrade my actions....for I feel like scum to my wife and family anyway.

When the affair ended at work, I purposly sent out two e-mails to the management team informing them that the Supervisor (her new lover) was never around and that he was always in her office. (The truth!!) I was fired the next day for violating company policy on e-mails. I was also told one week later that her new lover was also asked to leave-the same day I was terminated. She received a written warning from HR but got to keep her job. I suspect the reason as to why she was given a written warning was that she threatened to tell my wife intimate details about the affair and she also threatened to tell HR details about my background.

Regardless of this, I am now back in Illinois as my wife and family never relocated. They were planning on relocating in Decemeber.

Lisa, my wife new about the affair in December when the woman was leaving voice mail messages on my cell "just to say hello".

In January, my wife hired a private detective and sure enough, 36 pictures are now stored in a safety deposit box somewhere.

I have not seen or heard from this woman in over one month and will never see her again. Yet her memory and the happiness/experiences that I shared with her are hauting me. If I could go back, I would not as she showed her "true colors" to me and how much she really cared.

I just remember how I felt with her when we would touch eachothers hands and how she did little things for me that added up!!!

I don't get that feeling with my wife....anymore. We have kids and they need attention, love etc. The excitment stage is something you experience in the begining of a relationship.

I want to concentrate on my wife but the emotional pain that I am sufferring is too great at times. I AM PRETTY SURE I AM SELFISH!!!

I hurt too.......I lost a job that I loved, now unemployed I have to explain to recruiters what happened.............

Why do AFFAIRS END SO BADLY???

ALL THE BOOKS I HAVE READ HAVE STATED THAT THE TYPICAL OFFICE AFFAIR LASTS 3-4 MONTHS AND USUALLY ENDS WITH SOMEONE BEING FIRED OR RESIGNING. YOU CANNOT WORK WITH THIS PERSON ANYMORE AND CANNOT EVEN SEE THIS PERSON!!! I WOULD HAVE HAD TO OF RESIGNED ANYWAY. MY WIFE KNEW!!!!

ONE FINAL IRONIC NOTE!!! HER NEW LOVER THAT I TRIED GETTING FIRED BECAUSE OF HE WAS ALWAYS IN HER OFFICE.........I NEVER HAD TO BECCOME INVOLVED WITH THE E-MAILS. THREE PRODUCTION MANAGERS HAD ALREADY COMPLAINED THAT THE SUPERVISOR WAS NEVER AROUND.

HE WAS ALWAYS IN HER OFFICE AT NIGHT TALKING!!!

THE WOMAN I HAD THE AFFAIR WITH???

MARRIED TWICE...HER SECOND WAS IN THE DIVORCE STAGE-HER HUSBAND HAD MOVED OUT IN NOVEMBER. SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ME.....I AM MARRIED. WANTED A SECOND AFFAIR WITH A SUPERVISOR AT WORK, HE WAS MARRIED AS WELL (2 KIDS).

BOTTOM LINE......THE WOMAN IS EXTREMELY SHALLOW, KNOWS THAT THERE WILL BE NO COMMITTMENT, SHE WILL BE THE ONE IN CONTROL AS HER PARTNER IS MARRIED ALREADY AND SHE DOES NOT CARE WHO SHE HURTS.

I WAS TOLD THESE TYPES ARE DANGEROUS. THEY LOOK FOR ANYMAN THAT WILL GIVE THEM ATTENTION AND THEN THEY DON'T CARE WHO THEY HURT.

Lisa:

Did you receive my response???

I will never see or hear from this woman ever again in my lifetime as she lives in Texas. I moved all of my personal belongings back to Illinois.

The last I heard was that she was given a written warning and her new lover was asked to be replaced the day I was fired.

I love my wife but miss the freedom and excitment that I had while living alone in Texas. My family had not relocated.

I AM NOW VIEWED AS SELFISH.....BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SPARK???

Randy are you and your wife in MC or IC? How is your wife doing? How badly does she want to save the M? Have you read the recommended books here? SAA and Torn Asunder are two of the most popular.

When my H disclosed his A...I knew immediately I still wanted him...he is the love of my life. He also knew he wanted to save the M...he still loved me...just forgot how to connect with me. We, too let ourselves get too caught up with the kids, chores, social obligations, etc. This lead to us drifting apart so slowly we didn't really recognize it.

When OW started paying him attention at a really low point for him...he liked it...he liked the feelings way more then he liked her. He really wanted to keep the relationship from going PA but 2 days before dday they had sex (we had a big blow out and thought we were going to separate and he turned to her for comfort).

Bottom line...we realized that we both played a role in where the M ended up (not the A but place our M was in pre A)...we did the EN's realized that neither of us were meeting each others EN's anymore on a consistent basis. We really reached out to each other after dday...we connected again!

Once that happened he came out of the fog quickly...after all, it was me he wanted the attention from. He too quickly saw her true colors and now hates her and is totally repulsed by her and disgusted with himself. He too went through a want revenge phase. He accomplished this a couple months past dday by going to her house (with a tape recorder so I'd know exactly what took place..if you want to know more you can look up my old post on this, got lots of responses..it's under the in recovery board) and setting the record straight with her.

He told her that he never loved her, always loved me, etc.

Are you and your wife talking openly about the A and what lead to it? Have you told her how you feel? Has she told you how she feels? Have you discussed what recovery means to both of you? Have you discussed what type of relationship you want with each other?

If you have both decided to work on your M then you should start posting on the In Recovery board. If your wife doesn't read here you could try mentioning it to her.

Best Wishes!

Randy -

You need more self control and self discipline. So you felt excitement and a spark with your OW. Look where it got you. Its also exciting to drive a car at 120 MPH, but not too much fun when you hit the tree.

You were living in a fantasy, riding an amusement park ride. Sure its fun and exciting, but it isn't real life.

Of course, you miss the excitement and the "spark" with your wife. Will you ever feel it again? Who knows? Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But is that the most important thing in life? And you certainly won't get there by moping and feeling sorry for yourself as you are now.

Life is choices and trade-offs. It sounds like you've got a good wife who loves and cares for you. Which is more important, a lasting, loving relationship with a real partner, or some fun times with somebody who will dump you for the next in line and then try to wreck your life? Wise up, before you dig your own hole even deeper. And another thing, sometimes behavior preceeds feelings. Act as if the excitement and spark is there with your wife, and before you know it maybe it will be.

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: theuglytruth ]</small>

Hey Group!!!

My sadness is how easy I was replaced by someone who told me that she loved me and that she wanted the relationship to continue.

My wife and I continue to argue and there is no passion or specialness.

How does this come back???????

Randy, one of the things you will have to do is perservere...it is tough. There will be arguments, disappointment and frustration. Stick it out. Both you and your W have different issues to tackle, although they are related to the same A. Be prepared for the mood swings, feelings of hopelessness, despair, etc. However, I believe (as I suspect everyone will also confirm) that these are normal stages. Just hang in there and things will get better.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Randy are you reading all these replies? If so if we take the time to try and help you need to take the time to reply to us. We write all kinds of stuff and you give back a couple of generic sentences.

Yes, I am listening!!!

It's just that we all are hurting in our household!!

Randy we know better then anyone what kind of pain is going on in your household...but to recover from that you need a plan. Please go back and reread my post and try and answer some of the questions and I'll see if I can help you.

Best Wishes!

Dear Forever Together!!!

Yes Iam reading the e-mails. I want to respond to your questions.

Wife wants to hold on to the marriage. She is determined. She is also broken up.

We now live back in Illinois. My family never moved as we were waiting to see how well I did. After the 6 month, we were looking at homes.
But my wife knew what was going on.

In January, she hired a detective. The affair continued. It continued until March.

This is so scarry. We go back and fourth. One minute I am fine, the next I am not. Comforting my wife seems all impossible as I am trying to greive over the loss of a job I fell in love with and the loss of an affair that made me feel alive again.

Some of the group is getting angry because it's "I".

RandyRail.

I have read your posts but I don't see any anger in the replies. Why would they feel anger toward you when it is yourself that you are hurting. What I do see is that the people here are trying to help you. But you seem to have a bad case of tunnel vision at the moment.
In your post that was supposed to be about Mrs. Randy and how she is doing, you gave her a single line, then you gave youself 18 lines. Those 18 lines said quite a bit about where you are in your thinking at the moment. That does not cause the people here to be angry. It does leave them trying to talk to you when you ask for help but are not ready to listen when that help is offered.
Everyone here wants to help you, you cannot be helped until you are ready. What you are doing at the present is looking for pitty. The folks here will feel all the empathy in the world, but I doubt that you will find much pitty here.
That is the very last thing anyone should feel in this sittuation.
As long as you allow yourself to feel like the deer caught in the headlights you will not be able to see anything but the blinding doom rapidly approaching. If you don't move your butt you are gonna get run over by the garbage truck.
Is Mrs. Randy also standing in front of those headlights? Understand that you are the headlights that is her danger. If you don't want to save yourself for you, what about saving you for her? You cant save her until first you start with yourself. Is she worth that to you? It sound as if Mrs. Randy is still trying to be your wife, so she is doing her part to salvage what you so freely gave away.
For a while I had to remind my son every few days that self pitty is self defeating and he could never accomplish anything until he realised that fact. He finally saw the truth in that and is now extremely successful in his endeavors. I hope that you can also soon see beyond you present position and take charge of your life. Then is when you begin to heal.
God bless.

RR,

It sounds like to me that you are not listening to the replys from your postings! What is it that you want? Get over the OW and move on and fix your wife' heart! Why can't you focus on her? Are you sure you are aware of her pain? It sounds like you are putting on an act to make yourself look like you are really caring! Do you really care? You violated her trust in you and all you can really express is you! Why are you so into your self? I bet if you continue playing the poor pity me act, she will be out the door! What will you do then? When you really need somebody, who will be there for you then? Not your wife! I really admire her strength! I have read all your previous postings and to me you just don't realize what a jewel of a wife you have! You are lucky and what amazes me is I don't think you are aware of it! Do you think that is what caused you to have A? All the postings that you sent just talks about you! Do you think your wife got sick of your behavior and just stopped? Just a thought!
So what now? Are we going to have to read the poor pitty me gig again? I think it is time to act on all replies that you have received and take your marriage foward! And take some responsibility for yourself! I want to know how you are going to do that? Tell us what you did to take it foward? One more thing, please if you really truley love your wife, stop thinking of what this illusion of a relationship with the OW was like. There is no comparing it! YOUR WIFE is your fantasy! Use her, I bet you two can walk on water after rediscovering yourselves! And it will be a lot of fun and exciting!
Good luck

Randy,

U felt a twang with the OW because it was in the unknown. U and your W are very familar with each other.

To put the spark back in your M, you have to give like you have never given before. U need to show your W that you love her not expect to sit back and be waited on hand & foot.

Take a look at the concepts section above and both you and your W take the emotional needs questionnaire. You may find out something interesting about each other.

If you put effort and concentration into your family, these feelings for the OW will diminish.

Remember that the OW you were involved with isn't worth the time of day. In fact you should feel sorry for her H and if they have any children. Then learn to stay far away from such uncouth characters.

Be glad your W wants to even give you another chance.

Now go do some reading.

L.

Dear Group:

Redhat indicated that a 2X4 would serve me well. I was unaware that I should not have started a new thread. Sorry!!

I am listening to all of your replies. Here it is, almost 2am and again I cannot sleep. I am actually looking for jobs in my profession.

Since most of you don't know me, my trouble in my past has been letting go.

My wife and I are trying to get over this huge hurdle together.

I AM NOT IGNORING YOUR RESPONSES!!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Orchid:
[QB]Randy,

In fact you should feel sorry for her H and if they have any children. Then learn to stay far away from such uncouth characters.

The woman I had the affair with has been married twice. She has an 18 year old from her first marriage and a 3 year old and five year old from her second.

The chat group will become even more annoyed and it is not my problem but I know that her 18 year old is aware of her Mom's sexual activities.I met her daughter a couple of times.

I AM NOT GOING TO SAY ANYMORE FOR FEAR OF BEING BANISHED FROM THE CHAT GROUP. I KNOW THAT BEING MARRIED TWICE AND TWO AFFAIRS WITH TWO MARRIED MEN IS SETTING A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE.......

NOT MY PROBLEM IS IT...........

CHAT GROUP!

One last thing, I forgot to explain.

For eight months, I lived in Texas by myself while my wife took care of the kids and the house. This was no easy task for her.

While I was living a life of a bachelor, my wife was trying to cope with a huge house and everything associated with it. Many times she would call me to just vent out in frustration regarding stress and feeling alone without me.

Don't think for one second that I don't have guilt for not only cheating but for abandoning her. While I was by myself, she was struggling.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED THE POSITION IN TEXAS WITHOUT MOVING MY FAMILY WITH ME!!!

SORRY CHAT GROUP.....THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE JOB SHOULD HAVE BEEN A TEAM EFFORT!!!

Hi Randy,

Have you and your wife sat down and really discussed your relationship and what lead to the A? Have you discussed what you want out of your M?

Have you pulled off and filled out the EN's questionairre from this site?

Have you let your wife know about this site?

This is the time when the two of you need to turn to each other! You need to be on the same page, the same team, you need to formulate a joint recovery plan.

I strongly advise settin up an appt with one of the Harley's...it was money well spent for us.

Have you checked out the In Recovery board?

How are you and your wife doing as a couple?

Best Wishes!