Hello,
I haven't posted on MB for almost a year. I wrote then about my H emotional affair. He works with Jezebel. Over the course of about two years, I kept hearing him talk about her. I was jealous thinking this woman was after my H. I never thought he was interested in her. Before I even met her I told my H that I had the feeling that something was not right. I felt a threat to my marriage. He kept making me feel I was crazy to think that. He would say she is just his "best" friend. You know how you gradually become aware of more and more. Then I met her and she is quite pretty and I could see what he would see in her. We had a major blowup about her last May and I thought we could move forward. The problem is he still works with her and is still her "friend". He admitted to feelings of more than friendship, but not love. At Christmas I found two gift certificates for her from him. They were each for $50 worth of merchandise, one for the bath and body works and one for lady footlocker. It was the one for lady footlocker that made me realize these were for her not me. Another blowup. We got throught it but he still remained her friend. I will add that he tells me things about her. I ask sometimes. She is a cheater. She cheated on her husband before and is about to with another man that she works with. She confides this to my H. She wanted my H and me to go on a day bustrip with the new guy and her. My H said he would not go with her and another guy. The way he said it told me he would be jealous. Of course he didn't say that to me. I keep hoping that she will prove herself to be less in his eyes. Never happens. No matter how much of a wh*r* she shows herself to be he still seems to think she's great. Now comes yesterday. I was cleaning out a chest of his and found pictures of her, a card he wrote to her, letters to her and other personal info about her. By the dates, this stuff is four years old. But he kept it. I was devestated and gathered it up to confront him. I knew he would try to turn it around that I was going through his stuff to spy on him. It truly was an accident that I found this stuff. This has been the way things have gone for over a year now. Every few months I find or hear something that lets me know she is still very much in the picture. After a long discussion, he blurted out that he knows that "being in love with another woman" is hurting me. He finally said what I knew but wouldn't admit to myself. However, he doesn't say she is in love with him and I am quite sure she is not. This is one sided for him. She just keeps him around because it suits her purpose. She told me last year that they are just friends. H tells me he loves me very much and will never leave me. I believe him. He treats me really well. He and I do everything together and truly enjoy each other. If I didn't know about this woman, there would be nothing in his behavior to tip me off. He keeps asking me "Don't I show you that I love you?" He does. He thinks this obsession can be compartmentalized and not affect me. But it is affecting me. My self-asteem is at an all time low.I haved tried so hard over the last year to be a really good "friend" to him, hoping that I could make him love me more than her. I finally realize that I cannot change his feelings. He says she is not better than me, not prettier, not nicer. I am a wonderful person in his eyes and yet so is she. Not more than me, but not less. My heart is numb. I don't know what to do now. I don't want my marriage to end and I can't support myself and most of all I love him so much. How to I handle this. How do I go forward in an otherwise loving marriage knowing that he is in love with someone else.

Hi, All I can do is empathize with you. His own feelings and his attraction to the Jezebel and need to feed his ego are more important to him than your marriage and your feelings are.

I kept on trying, for years, to regain my H's interest. The OP was always in the picture. I found gifts from her to him, it really hurt.

Can you counsel with the Harleys? I wish I had.

Bellevue,
Thank you for responding. I watched all day hoping someone would address me. I know that you are correct. He is being selfish. I also know that I must make him choose. I am almost certain based on this last year that he will choose her friendship, even though he says they will never be a couple. He always says he knows I want him to give up his "friendship" with her. I haven't up to this time. I didn't see the point, they worked together every day and I figured it was a moot point. He has been at the job a long time and with my health we need the insurance coverage. I was sure I could Plan A and achieve my goal of separating them. Last May when we had our big blowup, it was because I insisted that he not go on bus trips to Atlantic City with her anymore. Starting in June 2001 and continuing until October 2001 he went there with her and several coworkers by bus. They all went once a month. I was not a gambler and chose not to go, although I never remember him inviting me directly. At this time I had no real fear of her, but it was beginning. In November he went by car. Just to yank his chain, I said "i'm going along". He look paniced and said there was only room in his car for four people and four were going including Jezebel. I should have been suspicious, but I trusted him. Shortly after that trip we had a fight. I began to suspect that they went alone. From that time on, I made it my business to go. I finally found out they did indeed go alone. I told him I would be on every trip he made to AC. Neither of them were happy and I think they thought I would not do go. I certainly called their bluff. That was Jan 2002. They have not gone together since and H and I have gone quite a bit. More than I should. I was in a big Plan A. I have Plan A'd for over a year now and after he told me last night he loves her, I know I can no longer do it. Nothing I do will ever diminish her in his eyes if her wh*ring around hasn't done it yet. She cheated on her H when my H and she first met. It was not with my H it was another coworker. Since my H was her "best friend" he stopped talking to her for several months at this time. (all this took place 11 years ago and it was my H who told me this last year). He said after several months of not talking he missed his friend and they buried the hatchet. The letters I found last night tell her that he values that they can be open and share so much. The card he sent her had a song lyric hand written on it. He has really never sent me love letters and certainly never wrote song lyrics on a card to me. This was very hard to swallow. Make no mistake he buys me nice things and cards and flowers, jost no letters which I have told him many times I would like. Now she is confiding in my H her plans to start up a fling with yet another coworker. This is one of many. I can tell H is upset by this, but feels he cannot tell her what to do. She would stop talkintg to him I am sure. Still he "loves" her. So if my Plan A and her wh*r*ng around hasn't diminished his feelings, I am now sure nothing short of Plan B will work. I am not real confident about that either. I was very ill with cancer in late "97 and I although I am in remission, I am not back to myself. I can only work a couple of days a week. Not enough to support myself. I am scared. I know I am not the first or last woman in this position. I will try to hold up my head and be strong. I don't know if I should leave or ask him to. Input please.

bmarrowt,

This is my 2¢. You could change his felling for you if he let you to. The problem in here is that your H won't let you and still crazy about OW. I suggest you to check your plan A and confirm it. If that is the case then you are ready to decide if you want to do plan B. This is when WS rejects plan A from BS. Check with a lawyer about your right, just consult it what if ... Dv lawyer usually give you freebie 1 hour consultation. Start looking for the logistic of plan B. Meanwhile read Venusian Lady link under my signature, think about it. Kindda 180 degrees, let you be a challenge to your WH. You are too accessible to WH and you are beginning to enableing his behavior. At the end you are the one who has to decide which avenue you have to go. There 4 ways to go in a cross road, staying put is not an option ... A might run over your life.

JMHO. -rh-

Redhat,
Can you give me more info on how to locate your Venusian Lady link. I tried to locate it and could not.
Thank you for helping.
bmarrowt

Hi,

Will your husband read a book? There is one by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends. Also...can you go to marriage counseling? Sounds like he needs a reality check. If he doesn't have both feet in the marriage, then he's cheating whether he thinks so or not. If he isn't outright cheating then he sure as heck sounds open to the idea and that's just as bad and so very unfair to you. My husband tried having women as his best friends, too and it's been nothing but trouble. He is at a men's retreat this weekend trying to make some men friends, thankfully!

I'm so sorry for your pain!

Stillwed

Another thought....let him read some of the more painful posts on here and ask him if that's really what he wants for your family. Maybe he'll get a clue!

Stillwed