Group:

Please respond as I need some reassurance that the affair could not have ended any other way.

You have an office affair. Your married. You become emotionally attached to this person at work. You love the excitment, the attention,etc.

The affair ends. Your secret partner at work whom you thought you knew, wants to see another married man. Your devestated, and now your wife knows about the affair.

Can you actually go back to work and see this person everyday????

BOOKS I HAVE READ HAVE ALL SAID THE SAME THING!!!!

RESIGN!!!

Oh Randy....stop fussing about the co-worker. Once the affair is discovered, while it may cause a great deal of embarrassment, discomfort and pride, it is a secret which is out and now you can start on REBUILDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE!!!!!

As the BS, I sorta kinda helped my WS little indiscretion along by exposing the affair to his co-workers in his Office. Because I did not feel retribution was well-served, I then spread it around to everyone in another two plants. Now that I look back, I regret my decision as it probably will cause my husband to lose his job (which will then jeopardize my childrens' support), but then again, I wanted everyone to see my WS for what he was and for him to feel the pain and humilitation that I felt.

Randy, please stop fretting over OW...she, as many other OW sounds like a real winner....you are worried about your poor, broken heart, but, ditch the pity party my friend, and think about your wife. The OW is a grown adult who clearly made the decision to get involved and destroy a marriage...she deserved nothing but your scorn and your disrespect....any woman with any morals would not have gotten involved. Trust me, I have been afforded many of opportunities to have an A, but I always thought ahead, especially to the reprucussions that would be served to my H and my children. We all make conscious decisions as adults; don't give her any more credence than what she deserves.

It is so much easier said than done!!!

I was missing the attention, the fun and excitment that I never have experienced before. At least not in a long......time.

You are like everyone else.....move on and help your wife. I do love her but why can't I get back the spark, the excitment the specialness.

It is dead!!!!

Why does it happen-is it "life"??

Randy....my husband said the same thing to me. However, it is funny that with a little encouragement and effort on his part, we managed to rekindle the few times that we have been out since then.

Imagine, I am the BS and I am willing to work it out, even knowing and hearing from my husband that I am not sensual, fun, exciting, etc. Yet, the times that we did go out and other men looked, stared, and I relaxed a bit, I wasn't everything that he accused me or our relationship of. My advice to you Randy is talk to your wife. Tell her what you miss in your relationship that you once had that made it exciting. As the BS, I didn't feel that I needed to do anything to bring my spouse back, but you know, I was guilty of some of the things. I lost my vitality and youthfulness after I had my two children. Funny enough though, when he told me, I managed to regain a bit, and do every day. You see, I have started laughing again, being young and enjoying my life...something that I lost in our 15 years of marriage. My husband sees me a bit differently and when we do spend time together (alone or with the kids) it is a bit more charged and exciting. Of course, it is still tense, but he now knows that I'm fair game out there. I'm not pinning roses Randy, but what I'm saying is that you must COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE as to your needs. Believe me, she will have NEEDS as well, and you will soon come to realize that both of you will be working toward a solution to recovery what has been so carelessly lost. Excitement due to the A is short lived, because the relationship is built upon deception Randy. Sure, will the OW always look so lovely, will she always be ready for you sexually when the initial "excitement" wanes. Remember, you must have had that with your wife at one time and believe it...you can regain it...it is up to you.

"It's up to me"

Thanks for the responses. My biggest fault in life has been letting go. Also revenge, too.

With that said, I really need to concentrate on the wife.......but it is so difficult!!! I am hurting so much.

I get the impression that the woman I was having the affair with, knew exactly how it would end and what she was doing to the marriage.

The OW is a grown adult who clearly made the decision to get involved and destroy a marriage...she deserved nothing but your scorn and your disrespect....any woman with any morals would not have gotten involved. Trust me, I have been afforded many of opportunities to have an A, but I always thought ahead, especially to the reprucussions that would be served to my H and my children. We all make conscious decisions as adults; don't give her any more credence than what she deserves. "

Well said, Karena.

Randy...Good Luck. I know it is hard. I wish my WS were more attentive and would Log On to this site. As much as I offer my opinion, I'm not one to take my own advise. I hurt, I grieve over what was lost and probably will never be regained. I even have a rather bleak outlook on how my marriage will turn out. I think my WS just "fell out of love", but, if you give up on trying and in "hope", there is no future. Good Luck and Keep the Faith

Randy...I've got a feeling you're a lot like my H. You invested much more into the affair then your affair partner did. You believed it was "special" and are now discovering just how easily you were replaced in this OW's attentions and affections...and your ego is damaged.

You're wondering why you can't find that "spark" in your marriage. Well...the answer is...because you are NOT doing those things with/for your W that you did for your affair partner. PLUS...you're W is NOT in a position because of the betrayal to make you feel good about YOU. She's trying to heal...she's wounded, she's not capable of being that shiny star in the heavens for you to get your "feel goods".

You want the "spark" back...well get busy and give the same amount of time, effort, energy, thought to your marriage that you gave to your affair. How often did you call your affair partner? How often did you make time to be with her? How often did you think about her? How often did you re-arrange your life to fit her into it? How many lies did you tell to make it possible to be with her? How often did you reach out to touch her in passing, or whisper sweet nothings in her ear?

You're still giving all this time and thought and energy to your OW...and you're W is getting what little you might have left over and you still expect her to "sparkle". You're whole posts scream of ME ME ME and OW OW OW. When are you going to change? Are you going to change? Or are you only going to give lip service to your marriage and your W?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong> I do love her but why can't I get back the spark, the excitment the specialness.

It is dead!!!!

Why does it happen-is it "life"??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps if you had put as much effort and attention into your marriage, instead of your mistress, your marriage wouldn't be dead. The good news is that it isn't too late to start over with your wife and build something real. Stop worrying about the OW because she is obviously not worrying about you. You love your wife, so you have something to build on. Get to the root of your problems with your wife. Do the exercises and concepts on this site with her. Get to know her again, you might be very surprised at how exciting your wife really is. Good luck to you. I'm sure it's tough to get past the emotional attachment of an affair, but your wife deserves better and so do you. Get to work with her! - J

Randyrail.
It is easy for you to see how easily you were replaced in the affectiions of the OW. I know exactly how bad it hurts, so does Mrs, Randy. Yes sir! we got the same kick in our guts when our spouses decided that someone else, who had made no commitment to them was more worthy of their love and attention.
So, you got dumped on your butt and it hurts. Hey partner she didn't do anything that you hadn't already done to Mrs. Randy. She just made you a member of the club. If you ever have the misfortune to have contact with the OW again, allow me to suggest that you express your sincere gratitude to her for giving you back the opportunity to rebuild your marriage before you flushed it completely down the drain.
If you truly want to regain what you had with Mrs. Randy before you had your affair, begin another affair today. Do everything you are capable of to seduce the new woman and cause her to fall totally in love with you. Send her secret e-mails, flowers, candy. Ah hell, know what to do, you did it just recently so don't tell me you don't know how. Take her out and romance her even if she isn't the same as the 1St OW. Mrs. Randy is going to have a tough time with this new affair at first, but she will grow to love it if you put your entire heart into this sordid, hot and steamy affair with her. Yeah it is work at first, but the rewards can't be counted.
Forget all the BUT, BUT, BUTs. Mrs. Randy can't do this, so you have to set all the Bullstuff aside and step up to the plate. You just aint gonna to hit no home-runs with her until you get up and take the batt in your own two hands.
Oh Yeah! If you get caught in this affair by your friends and family, they might say something like "Mom and Dad, cut it out!You two have been marriad too long to be acting like a couple of young lovers. God you embarrrass me when you do that." Aint nothin feels as good as the love of the fans, when your on the home team.
It has been 19 years since my W strayed for a moment in time. Fortunatelly I have had a million better moments in time with her since then, and will have more at every opportunity, and there is no longer an OM in our history, just a lost moment.
Today, I just call Mrs. F on the phone and say, " Hey Lady, Would you like a date with a pervert?" Alright! don't knock it, I get more dates with her using that line than any other. It hasn't failed me yet.
This post might not be much help to you, but when we change our way of looking at things we can see hope that wasn't there before.
Good luck and God bless your rekindled romance.

Fudd:

Both my wife and I read your response and we both looked at each other and laughed.

This is not going to be easy for both of us and I hope your words of encourgment will help.

We need to date again......I really want to date my wife again so bad. Go to a movie and then a quick bite to eat. I really loved it!!!!

Maybe the specialness will come back.

We both are hurting right now!

Mr. and Mrs. RandyRail.
I am so glad that you could share a good laugh together. Your post was absolutely positive. See how much more fun they are than negatives. I pray that you together will begin looking at all the positives that you have together. When you see the wonderfull love that you have hidden from youself you can begin to put the negatives behind you.
No it is not going to be easy, but nothing valuable is easy to aquire. Remember the first days of your marriage? Lots of learning and adapting going on then wasn't there. When you quit learning and adapting to each other...Well we know where that leads to don't we.
Mrs. F and I have learned that every day offers something new to learn about each other. I look forward to each day with her becaause of the love of learning about her. Some days she is just full of surprises. I would have never dreamed that she would do some of the things she does just to knock me off my pins. A more interesting woman can never be found. It is a challenge to come up with new ideas for surprises for her.
Hey, at our age we don't have time to waste on a small mistake of the past. Except maybe for the fact that she can't cook! Now there is a book for you! But I wont write it today. I figure she practices the art of burning food so I will take her out to dinner when I don't feel like cooking. Damn! Aint she lucky to have a guy like me around?
Say! What are you doing sitting there reading my bull, when you could be on a date with the sweetest woman in the state? Are ya nuts? Get the heck near her and don't just love her. Fall in love with her.
Agape. fudd.