Is it possible for a H to "fall" completely out of "love" with W? I have pretty much distanced myself from my H. He calls my parents house where I live with my children. He checks up on the children and asks after me, but he never really expresses interest in speaking with me. Easter dinner was civil, not to mention cordial, but I did it for the kids....it hurt like hell to behave, when I was hurting so bad. However, it is almost as though WS is grateful for my absence. He knows my mother will tell me he asks about me, but that is the extent. I believe on my "down days" that he truly doesn't love me anymore. On Sunday, during one of his staring fits, it appears as though he regrets his decisions. However, when he doesn't keep contact or at least try, I feel as though I'm just a passing acquaintance. I'm keeping my end of the bargain, as well as he is. Yet, it seems as though it is completely one-sided. He has told me on numerous occasions that it is over with OW. I do not believe it is, but sometimes I get the impression that it is. Is this normal to feel this way, or is it WS conflict that is pervading my life? It is destroying our children, as they do not know whether their father is coming home or staying away. He has made no promises on trying to come back to us...he's still confused. However, he is seeing the marriage counselor (alone at the moment). I will see her this evening. She told me during my last session that she would not see him independently, unless it had to do with working on the marriage. He has an appointment for Saturday. Yet, he makes no efforts to be with me, and when he does, he pats me on the back like I'm his long-lost friend. The feeling is horrible and degrading. I bet he didn't pat the OW on the back, nor give mixed signals. I was upbeat this morning, feeling confident and a bit more with it than I have in weeks; yet, it takes the lack of communication on his end to make me feel as though it is all for nothing. I feel like I'm working on restoring a marriage on my own.

karen,

Hello! I have'nt responded to you since he topic I last posted. It's odd how I seem to almost mirror your feelings at times. I know how you are feeling. I have felt so many times and have even heard my wife say that she "fell out of love with me". I don't think that love for someone ever completly disolves I think it just gets diverted. Your husbands affair diverted his love from you and the same with my wifes. I could never tell my wife honestly that my love for her is completley gone. Even through her lies and deciets I still remember why I fell in love with her in the first place and why she will always remain special in my heart even if I divorce her. It seems like they both felt like they had a point to prove and now they don't know how to right the wrongs they have done. I don't know I am taking it day by day and trying to work on myself and remember who I am and what I have deep down inside to offer. I miss my wife and the person I knew. I feel like I don't know her anymore cause she's changed and I think that is the thing I remind myself is she "changed". Like a beautiful buterfly turning into something I no longer recognize.

Hello Promise.....

When I read your responses, I feel like breaking down. The only thing that stops me, is that I am writing from my desk here at work. I leave the site open the entire day...it is the only way I get thru sometimes. As I don't know where you are from, it is nearly noon here on the east coast and it feels as though my day is dragging. I haven't spoke to H since Sunday...it feels like forever. It appears that my absence is not that big of a deal. I wonder what he is feeling at the moment, but I believe that it is nothing compared to what I'm feeling and experiencing. When I look at him, I cannot help but think..."Is this all worth it? Couldn't you just make one tiny effort to make it okay or at least, try to make an effort?" I have not heard at all from him and I feel that old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" was written for him. I hope he realizes the dangers that his absence presents. I'm getting stronger (although it doesn't sound it sometimes), but I do not cry everyday anymore. I do want to scream, but I'll take the frustrations out this evening during counseling. Sometimes, I wish this were a face-to-face type of group, that way, our little club of BS's can get together and help each other thru this.

As a long time BS I have to add that the in love feeling comes from meeting the right EN. My H has just started doing this after d-day 2 yrs ago! I have lost a lot of love for him during that time, but slowly I know it will come back. The LBs have been huge! The same goes for the WS falling out of love. Keep meeting their needs and they will be back. No LBs. This may also be the fog. Difficult, but this will pass. God, I can't believe I'm an old timer now! It now seems so long ago. You'll get there. You have to believe that there is a God.

Hi again karen,

Actually I am in the south east US. I know what you mean when you feel like the time span of things weigh heavy on your mind and feeling like everything you are doing is in vain. I do as well. The thing that has helped me I think most through all this is music. I latched onto a cd sometime last year and during my wifes A the cd meant even more to me and I realted to the music so much. So much to be said and expressed though everysong and I felt like it became the soundtrack to my life! It's very aggressive music but also is very melodic and the words cut deep. I think it helps me deal with my anger mentally. I am glad to hear you are coping better. I am also. In the start it felt as though I walked around every day with a dagger in my back and now I think I have come to better terms with feelings that confront me from day to day. But I still can't get over the overwhelming feeling that I feel like I lost my best friend but something much much worse and something that cuts a lot deeper. I keep telling myself to give this time and it will work itself out but also during this time it is also souring me. I agree though I wish we could all meet face to face cause I feel like I almost know some of you guys now even though I've only been here a short while. The good person in you speaks loudly through your words karen and I am sorry to hear of your pain but remember you are not alone.

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Funny enough you are from the Southeast. H works a great deal in North Carolina. When we do have a mature, adult and civil conversation, he tells me consistently how marriage is valued in the South. Hah, would he heed this and apply to his own marriage. Healing thru Music is a phenomenal way of getting thru this dark madness. One of the groups that I listen to faithfully, because every song they sing sounds like my H and his stupidity....giggle. Have you ever listened to Coldplay....I love them...absolutely awesome, especially about being caught in the middle of a spider web because of all of the stupid things "said"....If you have never listened to them....please do. Parachutes is their first big hit in US and Rush something on another to the head....title eludes me. My goal is to feel the best I can about myself, look the best I can and then.......make him regret his rather poor, not to mention stupidly impetuous decision to turn to someone other than his WIFE. Not that I could accept, but the least he could have done was to cheat "up"..you know, with a Professional ie Dr. or lawyer. Instead, he turned me, a College Graduate with an excellent job, two beautiful children, a gorgeous home and a loving family to go with the shop girl who made copies for a department full of misfits. She may be skinnier than I am, but I'll tell you, in the "intellect department" she was and is woefully pathetic. Just an amusing little ending....she told H that he signed Child Support papers under stress. I told him, (couldn't resist throwing out my English Degree) that he did not sign under STRESS, but under DURESS and tell Einstein that she should refer to the dictionary for definitions. The English language was way too above her.

Karen, trust me when I say that people degrade the value of marriage no matter were they are from and that holds true in the south also. Yes I know who coldplay is, I like that song they have on rotation on the radio which is called "clocks" - good stuff. Yes it is odd it seems who our spouses choose as the people to become involved in an affair with. Almost amazing how insane it becomes. And to think they confide their every emotion and thought amongst these people just goes to show the weakness that is inside them. Speaking of values in marriages, I hate how people take consumer approachs to their marraige. It's like all the sudden your husband thought he was driving around a rust old car (theoretically speaking here - I am for sure not saying you are a rusty car karen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) and he got this feeling of "Oh I have invested so much in this broken down car that I deserve better" so he get's the hot little new sports car only to find out after driving it around that he does not like it as well after all and after time of having to invest in maintaining it he discovers having the new little sports car is not that great afterall! It just seems like such a waste that people don't dig deeper inside themselves but sometimes people learn only from their biggest mistakes and this mistake seems like the worst one indeed.

Both of you are so right..My d-day was Feb 14, 2003..also our anniversary. H is still home and still has contact with OW. We too seemed to have so much. We have 5 children and our own business. Everyday is such a challenge right now..butlike you Karena..you do what you have to to get through the day. I will always love my H..for I will always be his wife no matter what. I knew on d-day I still wanted him..I just wish I could say the same about him. He says he wants this to work out but has serious doubts it will. Well I tell him how do we begin while you still have contact with OW and an attitude like that. By the way the OW is an exoctic dancer..something H did not disclose to me..I figured out on my own by his behavior. What a role model for your children..wouldn't you say...over my dead body. I also wish we all could me somewhere, I am also on the east coast..New Jersey to be exact..Talk to you all soon

Lisa0705..where in New Jersey?

When my H was in the full swing of his A, the love of his life convinced him that we should sell our house....that since I was not living there, it was not worth keeping. He said that I could "come home" to the house, but he would leave. Now, that's a real welcome home, eh? Well, I said, "We bought the house together, we'll live in it together." Well, the OW won out and we sold our house in less than 2 weeks. We lived in Blackwood, NJ (are you familiar?) We both worked so hard for the home (it was a brand new home), we decorated it, landscaped together, etc., etc. Well, when the house sold and we COULDN'T get out of the contract, the tears built up in his eyes and he was so emotional. I was so freaking angry that I signed my name with a flourish. I told him that because of his "listening" to his love, his life, his best friend, she just put another chink in the armour, which was our crumbling marriage and put more of a gap between our communication. He still brings this up, but you know what, I refuse to take the blame. He more or less shoved the Real Estate papers under my nose every time he saw me (when it was in the beginning of his loving relationship with the OW...my nicknames are cute, but unsuitable for the room).