I found out my husband was having an affair two weeks ago today. Well, I am still having a hard time trusting that he isn't seeing the other woman anymore. He had hidden his billfold, so I went and found it. I found he had $76.00 in it. Well, this upset me as I know how broke we are. I have been asking him if he is going to get a bonus this month at all. He kept saying they hadn't had the meeting. I don't know what I was looking for when I snooped. I was not expecting to find money. It just bothered me when I noticed he hadn't left his billfold in the normal place. I guess I felt like he was trying to hide something from me. Well, I went and told him what I did which really upset him. He said I am never going to trust him and that this just isn't going to work. As it turns out, it was his well pay money that he gets for being at work everyday. His bonus has not come yet. But, this is the kind of thing he does that makes me not trust him. I will ask him something and he will hide it! I can't stand that. He can never be completely honest with me. If he was, I think he would save himself a lot of problems. It is just that he is always trying to cover his tracks for one thing or another. No matter how insignifigant it may be. So, that is why I have such a hard time with trusting him. I feel like he must be lying to me all the time. We really talked a lot after that incident last night. He is worried about how committed he is to staying with me. That scares me but at least he is finally being honest about it. He said he realized that when he started the affair and kept the affair going that he was throwing everything away. I told him that in my eyes we didn't have to throw everything away! He just said that he just doesn't know how committed he is since he could have had that affair so easily. I told him that the woman basically threw herself at him and made herself totally available to him. Of course he made the mistake of following through with it. That is what is bothering him. He says he still loves me. God knows I love him. This is really the worst thing in the world to go through. I don't know where we are going after all that. We are going home this weekend. I am really looking forward to that. (SORT OF) My family doesn't know anything about this. I don't want them to know either. My husbands family does know. I guess what I am looking forward to is the fact that my parents said they would watch the boys for us so that we could have time for just the two of us. We need that more than anything. I just do so hope that my husband doesn't give up on us too easily. So far, he has actually been more committed than me. I have offered about three times to leave. Each time he said no. Well, the first time he said I could go. After that he has said not to rush into any decisions. I am hoping some time away from work for him will help him to clear his head a little. I am going back to killing him with kindness. It is time to try and start to rekindle what we had together. I guess I won't be posting here again until Monday or so. I am so glad this board is here!!!!! Woozy

Yes woozy,<P>"Kill him with kindness"...<P>I <B>think</B> you have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>... study it!... Espcially he part on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! This is where you <B>must</B> start from! Jumping ahead to fullblown "trust" isn't where you can get to from where you are.<P>A few quotes...from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (page 90 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Take is s l o w l y...<BR>Read...<P>Prayers...<P>Jim<BR>

Woozy- This is the hardest part of the recovery process to go through. He must understand that at this stage you feel you have no other choice but to snoop. I would suggest the book "After the Affair" This opened the door to my H and I talking about why I was doing the crazy things I was in order to assure myself that he was telling the truth. Some people put computer tracking devices on their computer to try and see what their spouse is even doing on line. These are not crazy reactions, perfectly natural considering the position you've been in.<BR>I would strongly suggest counselling though for both of you. You will both need to know how to talk and approach some of the emotions and feelings you've been having and will continue to have in regards to the affair. Continue to use this board as a vent, read as much as you can, especially Dr. Harley's books. And remember that not only are we here for you but God is behind your vows as well!<BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>