Hello, I'm new to the website and really would like some advice. On April 6, I found out that my H had been having an A for six months. With a sister of a girl he works with. We have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8yrs. Most of our married time together has not been very happy for me. Over the years I have tried to get him to open up and talk to me but to no avail. I have also have an awful relationship with his mother that has been a constant conflict in our marriage. Then I find this out and it is just devastaing. We attended a marriage restored weekend 1 wk ago and really had a nice time. We talked for the first time in years about issues that really matteredand then once back at home the reality hit me and I was angry all over again. My H is willing to try he went to the weekend at my request and has been doing the assignments they asked but I don't know if I can trust him again or if I even should. He says that the A was only for sex, but I don't know if I buy that because it went on for 6 months and he supposedly on slept with her 3 times( which I know once is enough). I guess I said all that to say I'm afraid of moving forward and trying to rebuild on something that I was never really happy with in the first place. Then I feel bad because he is trying and we do have 2 children to think about also. Any suggestions??

Welcome....

You've made an excellent decision to post and join MB...as a betrayed spouse Brokenhearted1, it was the very BEST decision I have ever made. The most important aspect of this website and lesson that you will learn is that you are not alone...there are so many of us out there. You will read stories of other men and women who have experienced and are currently experiencing the pain, betrayal and humilitation of a wandering spouse. The importance of working through this with others who are in similar and oftentimes identical situations such as yourself, is that you find comfort and wisdom in their words. You will find that although you believe your pain to be inclusive, it is truly a universal suffering that all betrayed spouses encounter. As you are currently suffering anew, some advice will see a bit aggressive, but you will see, that it is phenomenal advice and worth listening to.

As a BS working to restore her marriage, I feel your pain. I was there and still, until this day, experience the pains that are associated with just learning of my spouse's infidelity. I ranted, threatened, cried, swore, etc., etc., and to no avail, the pain does not subside. What you truly need to do is evaluate your relationship. You are too new to the betrayal at the moment to make any decisions (that's my opinion). Right now, what you need to do is get strong. You need to think about YOU and no one else. Of course, if there are children involved, they need you. But what you need to do, is surround yourself with loving friends and family, who can support you through, what I consider, a traumatic life event. Once you start worrying about you and getting yourself in order, then you can pay credence to the relationship. Right now, your perception of your relationship is clouded; pain, suffering and betrayal are making it worse. Try to reflect on the good times and look at what you could do to help YOU first. The relationship cannot be worked on until you are strong enough, emotionally and physically, to tackle. Good luck. It is the hardest, most difficult time in a betrayed spouse's life...my prayers are with you.

Do check out the standard introduction...
General Welcome for All New Builders.

Follow all the links in it ane learn all you can.

Most imporatantly, learn about Plan A, especially in this stage of discovery.

Keep posting and best wishes.

OneGoing.

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: OneGoing ]</small>

If he is willing to work on it you are in a much better situation thana a lot of people that post here, and since you have children, you have some extra motivation for your recovery. Don't be hasty. Recovery from an affair usually takes 18 months to two years. Two weeks is not enough time to decide whether to stay or go.

I, too had been unhappy with my marriage for a long time when I found out about my wife's affair, which had lasted 3 years. If I had had to go back to the marriage we had before or during the affair, I would not have been able to stick it out, but things are better for us now than they have EVER been before. That is just to let you know that it IS possible - but it takes a lot of work. For the path to recovery, click on the link in my signature line, below.

Oh, yeah, it may have been "just about sex" but what does "just about sex" mean??? Then there is the lack of self-awareness factor. Like, just because he is obviously not telling the truth does not mean he is lying or trying to hide something from you. At least, not necessarily. He may not know the truth, yet. Finding out the "why?" is a pretty important part of recovery, but it can take time.

Thank you for all the responses, It is reassuring to know that others have gone through the same tragedy and come out w/ better marriages. We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor on 5/5 and I agree that there is a self awareness issue that needs to be addressed. We are communicating better, where he hers what I am saying without arguing, but there is still a tremendous amount of hurt. I pray everyday that God heal my heart.