Help!!! How do you know when your WS is being sincere? I last spoke to my H on Easter Sunday. We had a very nice "family" dinner and then he accompanied me and our children back to my Aunt's house for dessert. I had not spoken to him on Monday and well into Tuesday. I received our car insurance bill in the mail. The next payment is due and it is his turn....so, my intentions were to leave a voice mail on his work line (he never answers). Guess what? He did this time, and we engaged in a rather brief conversation. He asked me what I was doing on Wednesday (today) and if I would like to do something with him?

My question is, how can I tell if he is sincere or if he is just bored? I want so much to put things right, but, I do not want to be disillusioned as I have so many times before. He started seeing the marriage counselor as well, but we're not doing it together because we both want to work on ourselves and what problems lead up to many of the issues in our marraige. My counselor told me that she wouldn't see him separately if it weren't to work toward the ultimate goal of marriage recovery. Is this a good sign or another sign that my WS is still vascillating?

Help!

I think any time a spouse is willing to spend their time with you, its a good sign.
Just be watchful. Listen to your gut. AND ACCEPT THAT DATE!

Thanks so much for your response. So many times in the past, he has been so up and down. Lately, I have been quite strong, not crying and being more reflective. I am on my second week of exercising in the morning when I wake (around 5:00a) and then before bed (around 10:00pm). My mind has been much clearer and I feel a great deal stronger both physically and emotionally. I just do not want any setbacks. My counselor told me much of what many here on MB do, but it is always good to get extra reassurance. I'm feeling better about myself and I believe H picked up on this at Easter...keep fingers crossed.

Hi Karena,

I agree that any effort set forth by WS must have a drop of sincerity or they would'nt be doing it. As mad and as hurt as I have felt at my wife latley I have detected some sincerity on her part these last few nights on her willing to really put effort forth. Your gut and your heart will never lie to you so if you feel something then I think it's on the right track. BTW goodmorning to you karen - you must have just started out your morning with a daily doseage of MB just like me! Also if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your husband, not important but was just wondering.

Good Mroning...Promise....

Okay....my name is Kimberly, but everyone calls me Kimmie....so, you are free...Karena is my first initial and maiden name....I'm 34 and H is 35, we have three children (his 17yo son from his 1st marriage, our 10 yo daughter and our 4 yo son). We have been together for 15 years and will be m 13 years in June. Quite a while.

I suspected his A in late October 2002 and confirmed in 2003. He started to (according to him) break it off in December 2002...or so he says....have no idea what in the hell he is doing now....but you know what, if he wants to spend his money, I should just let him...hehehehe.

well cool I'll call you Kimmie from now on if that's cool! Thanks for the background info. I just read in your other post about you losing your house thanks to you H's faithful handywork. Wow - that is major and I was so sorry to read that. That has got to suck tenfold! I could only imagine the presure that brought on you and just the pain of lossing something you both aquired together and filled it with your love. That's a crush if I have ever read one. You have endured a lot, I feel for your situation. I don't have kids and I could only imagine how that adds to he complication of it all.

I know, it does just blow your mind, doesn't it???? The funny part about it, is that I can speak about it without crying, without wanting to rip his heart out and without wanting to ruin her life. The one thing that I learned thru all this Promise...is that I'm a much better person than my H and his OW (and the W does not stand for woman in this case). I managed at one time, to catch a glimpse of her....while I thought she was pretty, I learned that the woman has not a single brain cell capable of carrying on anything but a sexual relationship. You see, I've corrected my H on many occasions, especially when he uses what I call her "isms"....things that he would never, ever say. She has no drive, she has no education and she certainly has no class. As for morals (similar to that of an alley cat in heat), they are devoid in her life....she knew about me (My God, we spoke nearly every day...she was his office clerk) and she certainly knew about our two children. The funny thing...she is a Catholic and had the gall to go to Church with him. Imagine when I found the Missle from Sunday Mass....I cried, then started laughing hysterically. The W and the H, attending mass..talk about Jesus coming off the cross...Needless to say, I could regal you for hours with some of their antics....the two of them together could fuse a brain cell to equal that of a mouse. However, I still believe that I care for this H of mine and will try to work it out.

Update for anyone interested....H called me just a few minutes ago, engaged me in a rather bland conversation, but made no mention about going out this evening. Thank God, I didn't get excited (like I had done in the past)...I expected something like this from him. When I told him however, that I needed the money for the car insurance bill which is due, he brought it up. He blamed his not confirming this evening's plans on my calm demeanor, "You didn't sound like you were interested." Imagine that, after his A, he learned how to read minds, eh. Anyway, I did not argue nor did I scream, but I did relay this little tidbit. I told him that he was to never, ever call me again at work and start "trouble". I told him that I will not be party to his playing games and for him to leave me alone. He told me that he doesn't need me, so, my response, as I carry the car insurance for him, I dropped him. I will get my own car insurance in Pennsylvania.

Other than that, well......I guess it was better than screaming.

Kimmie, I just read a thread on the board that I think you might find the info of helpful to either give you hope or maybe some ideas. Read all the posts from the person named "carolkh"

here is the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880

If not helpful maybe it will be uplifting at least in these bleak times!

Hi Promise....I've just about had it...I'm angry....imagine, I'm supposed to be working on my anger, but today has tested it. I think you have already read the post prior to this one....he's insane. You know what, the vascillating is absolutely out of control!!!!! You know what, the game playing is stopping now. I've had it. What right does he have to think that he can put me thru this.....I'm not allowing it anymore. If he wants the single life to date and shirk his responsibilities, well, he can have it. However, me...you know, the good one, will move on and fine someone who does want a loving family relationship. If it is the last thing I do, I'm going to make sure that he regrets every last action and stupid decision.

Kimmee,
Read the thread that Promise pointed out. Even if its just to have a good laugh and get some of your sadness out of the way. That's what Carol's thread did for me. I plan on implementing just a couple 180s myself, since Im in a pretty good situation, actually.
You could possibly use some of those tactics just to get a good laugh watching your husband react.

You sound like you are strong today. Just remember this moment when you feel weak.

The nerve of him being upset that you don't sound too interested. I swear, some of the things these WS pull on us. Wonder what OW thinks of him asking you out at all.

Love the fact you droped him from your insurance. YAY YOU!!!
I'll check on on you as well as J and Sue....just remember to keep us updated.

Talk about a slap in the face....last night I found out that instead of my husband trying to work things out with me and work towards recovery, he decided that there was more appeal in moving in with his ex-wife, rather than me. Lovely, eh? I felt horrible all last night; especially after he was calling me nasty names and saying some of the most horrible things, while she stood by. I felt extremely embarrassed myself, for reacting, but I was so hurt and felt so justified. I sent my letter, but feel a bit better about doing so. Now, I just need to get strong and realize that I married this stranger. How could one person inflict so much pain, hurt and humiliation upon another....I want to just cry.