This is lengthy and alot of topics, hoping this is right place to post this. It all is why i came to this message board so sort of like an into as well.
I have been with my H for 4 1/2 years. About 4 years ago I discovered my H's use of pornographic material. We had an arguement he left. 2 days later I found a computer cd under the front seat of his truck with a reciept in it- was purchased the day we fought. This cd had naked women on the cover i only assume it was porno movies or at least naked pics. Over the course of the last 3 1/2 years i have discovered more porno use. All of which he lies about or blames me in some way. which i will explain later. He spend some time out of town, he says is work related some jobs i can believe that some are only a 2 hour drive yet he stays in hotels and doesnt come home. I have found movie rentals on his bank statement the 1 time i looked at it, it was xrated movie rentals i called the 800 number for the movie rental company to ask. H lied to me until i told him i called the 800 number to see what that charge was for. He charged $100 in xrated movies in 2 days =(. I checked his web record once and found a website to a prostitution house in same town his office is located and after that site was visited an adult erotic friend finder was also visited. I asked H about this (this was 3 years ago) he claimed the prostitution house site was a video game site until i showed his the home page i printed out then he said well uhhh i saw the addy on a truck and wanted to see what it was. He denied ever going to the personal add site. I explained how these activities made me feel insecure, cheated on, angry i was lied to, betrayed and he promised he would never do it again. I have found many more websites he has visited all with the tears discussions expression of feelings and more lies and broken promises. Last week i found a slip of paper to a dirtyfantasy web site addy with some numbers. I went to the addy and was shocked at the least. I then read his email which ive never done to find 20plus porno emials pics, movies links, personal adds, subscriptions. H got home from work and i asked calmly what was this paper with this website addy, oh a guy at work told me to go here but its a pay site so i didnt do it. Ok, what were the numbers on the paper for? , they were numbers for the pLc at work. Ok i didnt bring up the emails yet as i wanted to see if he was lying about the website. I found he has 2 hard drives in his puter and one seems to have some junk folder with a couple subfolders-bingo. Next day i find not 1 not2 not3 but 6 sites he pays to go in. ONe folder had the internet explorer links to em all and they all had logins. Ive been lied to again so now i go thru the tears, the explanation of how badly this makes me feel, how once again im lied to and he makes the same promises i wont do it again i love you blah blah well this is 20th time in 3 years ive heard this and in my mind im thinking yup ok whatever. He promised to delete all the porn on the hd and cancel subscriptions. well yesterday he got up at 4am and i woke up but pretended to stay sleeping, he said he visits the porn sites in the am (we have children and i am on my puter in eve so that leaves him unable to view porn ) i came out of bedroom real quiet and cought him again. He claims yes i deleted it all and cancelled subscriptions but i was surfing and had an accident and wound up at this porno site. Ok i say ok and see him off to work. I go back and check 2nd hd on his puter - all the subcription sites are still there and active and worse - he now has videos downloaded teen porn, college dorm stuff, housewives and 2 perosnal add videos. I watch enough of each one to see what it was so i dont make false accusations but enough i am physically sick and took nerve pills last night. The one perosnal add video i can only say i can guess is for a prostitute - she says her name, age (rather young) and her town, then shows off her body parts and gets rather sexually invilved. I confronted hubby he claims it isnt a personal add but a porno movie, sorry name age and town (same town he spends alot of time for work and osmetimes away about 90mins from home) to me is some form of video personal wether for discreet meeting or prostitution. We had the tears, my expression of my feelings his broken promises again and lies lies always lies. I took nerve pills to calm down and agreed to try it one more time but if i cought him again that would be last time. We have a 2yr old son which for him i try to make it work, and out of my love for my H. Nerve pills wore off about 3am and i couldnt sleep so i went searching on net and found some great info here and other places. I printed out some replys to message boards on how women in my position felt for H so he could try to understand how i felt and im not only one. I went to lay on couch about 630 am and H got up for work, i can only assume he thought i was sleeping cause once again he is at porn site. I didnt make big deal i showed him the print outs i had - his reply- very nastily- Yeah i see them i need to go to work now. He finds time to go to porn after yesterday he promised not to and doesnt have 5mins to give me a yes hun i see them, are they important? if not can i read after work? i was furious and told him i was wasting my time, he left for work and said he will not be back. I know he will later. alittle more info- other than porn personal adds he wanted to have sex with my bros girlfriend - when i waspregnant that thanksgiving i made dinner and my mom threw a suprise babyshower. I was 71/2 mos pregnant, i had 2 tables set up and told H we will sit at this one the older folks can sit at other one. My bro was working so only his gf was there. My H and bros gf "Brandy" followed eachother all over like dog sin heat it was so obvious my former sis inlaw brought my nephew for dinner and asked why my H was up brandys backside and why she has such a short skirt with no undies bending over purposely infront of my H. I kept my cool i am pregnant and moody so didnt wanna jump to conclusions. I go to the table dinner plate in hand go to sit in seat next to my H , he pats seat looks at brandy and says sit here Brandy /gasp. Im standing right there and he acted i wasnt there, no more seats at that table so i sat at 2nd table. Babyshower time im opening gifts with my family and his- he is in living room sitting on couch with brandy. I asked him later afte reveryone left and he said oh i didnt realize i was doing that sorry- well until 3 months ago i have always been treated that way in front of brandy, he looks past me like im not there and gives her plenty of attention i have never seen towards me. He confessed 3 mos ago he would have sex with he could get away with it, his words" sorry i drool on her she is hot". This was because we were once again arguing over his lack of respect for me and he made his confessions. Im lost, confused angry hurt scared i dont know what to do. I have tried everything i can think of. I have prettied myself up, went out drinking with H one night thinking an adult night out would do us good- a man asked me if i wanted to go for motorcycle ride i said no
i have a H but ty, well H became irate that some man would speak to me and we went home mad=( i tried to watch porn with him 3xthinkigi showed it was ok he wouldnt lie to me (i hated it but swallowed my pride and pretended i liked some parts). I tried being more experimental in bed for him. I had a hysterectomy in oct for a few female problems and sex hurts bad but i still do it atleast2x a week to keep him somewhat satisfied but he tries everynight knowing it hurts and gets angry when i say no. This he blames for hisuse of porno even though when we were active nightly he still was cought going to porno web sites. i have tried talking openly about my feelings, i have gone to a counselor 3 mos ago when he made his confessions of brandy i was severly depressed and near nervous breakdown hence the supply of nerve pills i took last night. so here i am asking for help .. ty for taking time to read this and any advice or info you have to offer

Empty, Sorry to hear about your problems and pain. Plain and simple your husband has a sex addiction problem and needs help. I don't really know were to start to tell you were you could go to get help for this but if you are a memeber of a church that might be a start. Maybe someone else could offer up some website links. I feel for you and hope your husband can overcome his addictions that bring you so much pain.

No doubt about it, your H has a real problem with porn, likely addicted. He also has a very real problem with showing you the respect you deserve...you do need to put your foot down about this.

It really sounds as if your H isn't as married as you are. He flirts with others in front of you and family, he's actively going to websites which are damaging to the marriage. He's lying his @$$ off about his activities.

I can't offer advice on what you need to do to change these behaviors. What I will offer is advice for you to get yourself into counseling so that you can find out why you are putting up with them.

Good Luck!

btw...If you are still having pain from surgery back in Oct...You need to go back to your doctor. This is NOT normal!!!

I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same thing, although I wasn't as patient as you have been. We had no children and I kicked him out. I knew that he would not change for me, and that he had a serious problem. I felt my self-esteem going down and I no longer had respect for myself. By staying in the marriage and knowing that I didn't trust him or even like him towards the end, I knew I had to remove myself from that situation. It wasn't easy but now when I look back, I don't know how I stayed for 4 years and put up with his disrespect and sneaking around behind my back, always calling me wanting to know WHEN I would be home, so he could be sure ot have his magazines, etc were put away. Thank god we didn't have a computer nor did he work with one at work, but the money he spent on magazines and videos was enough to make me sick. The lies kept getting bigger as he tried to cover up his time away from home. By the end (before I kicked him out), I had conditioned myself to literally hate him, which made it that much easier to kick him out. BUT by staying and conditioning myself to hate him, I did alot of damage to myself that I didn't realize until I tried to have other relationships after my divorce was final. I should have gotten counseling and I didn't. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you he will not change and he has an addiction, like cigarettes or alcohol, and the only person that can help him is himself. I wish you luck and hope you can get through this but don't loose yourself in the process...