Hello.. I hope this is being posted in the right place.

My question is what do you do if you suspect infidelity but can't prove it?

Some of the signs are there but I know my wife will deny it till the end.
We started seeing our nieghbors socially & I noticed w/o fail she would dress more revealing & fix up more than she did in any other situation. each time she would make some flirtatous or sexual comment to the husband.

When I confronted her she would deny it or act like it was no big deal. Finally I told her flat out that it hurt me & to stop. Still if we would run into him she just could not help herself.

One sunday she was dressed up again--very out of character for her on a sunday--& took off to the store for 1 item for our daughter. Well sure enough he took off at the same time & she did not return for a half an hour. When she got back I again confronted her & she couldn't look me in the eye & got real pissed.

I also noticed she started dressing up more to go to school.This all took place 6 or 7 months ago, & since then we don't go over there anymore.

I also caught her in some white lies as she likes to call them.

I have no real proof, but just a strong gut feeling that something was going on.

I have 2 wonderful kids & don't want to destroy them by leaving, but I can't trust her & I can't get rid of these feelings.

We are going to counselling, but I am going first so I can get my side out there before she tells the counsellor that I am crazy & just seeing something that is not there.

There is more to it than this, but you get the idea.The question is, what do you do if you feel you will never know for sure?Any advise will be welcome as I am hurting real bad & have been for months.

Thanks, Matt

Matt:

Your W's behavior certainly sounds suspicious from what you describe and most people here have learned to trust their gut instincts.

You don't say why the two of you are in MC, but that sounds like a positive step for you. Have you gone yet, and if so, have you told your counselor about your suspicions?

You certainly have every right to know what is going on between your W and your neighbor, if something is going on. Personally, I'd advise you to do some snooping. Also, you might consider a frank discussion with your neighbor. You didn't mention if he was married, but if so, that can be used to your advantage. You might consider telling your W that unless she breaks off contact with him, you'll talk to him AND his W. Of course, before you do that you'd better have some solid evidence of impropriety.

I wish you luck.

3XL

3xL..

Thanks for the reply. Yes he is married & the reason I don't confront him is I have no real proof & I don't want anyone else to tell me I'm crazy.

Besides that he is the real rambo unstable type and I don't know what he would if I threatend to involve his wife.
I start the counselling tommorow..the reason she thinks we are going is so I can deal w/ these feelings I'm having. But, you better believe I have a long list of examples of the behavior that she displayed to cause me to feel like I do & the mc is going to hear all of them.

I have done some snooping but when the person lives across the street I just don't think they would risk using the phone or a cell phone when he's home all the time & his wife is always working.
Let me just say that I do have the phone covered but so far nothing yet.

The behavior has stopped & I feel if there was anything it has too stopped.

I just can't stand seeing him everyday, & I just want the damn truth no matter how bad so I can start dealing w/ reality.

I might not be able to post again till tommorow because I won't have any private internet time at home, but please anybody keep responding as I will check 1st thing in the morning.

I just feel like I want to die.

Thanks, Matt

"Infidelity Detection" I wish I would have known about this stuff 5 years ago.

You might want to read through the counseling stuff in the "Path to Recovery" link in my signature line, below.

Very sorry to hear about your situation, i just went through something very similar, And guess what, My Fu**ing wife has been cheating on me with several people, and everyone on this site said she was, but i didn't believe it or want to, but i found out. So here's what you do, contact as many connections as you can that are trustworthy to spy on her without her knowing, or hire a detective. Lucky for me i have friends in high places and had my phone lines tapped, and found out the recording of my wife bragging to friends about the affair she had while i was gone. Never ever dismiss your feelings, especially when there is any evidence there.

R007SRFR..

Very sorry to hear about your situation as well.

I'm doing all the snooping I'm able to do, but I'm afraid I'm too late.

All she wants to do now is pretend nothing happened & get things back to the way they were.

My 1st mc session is in a couple hours yet she still lies to me daily. I just don't know what it takes to makes some people realize that your not stupid.

The only thing I would say is positive about your situation is you got the truth we all so desperatly need. It sucks, but you know what your dealing with.

I've got 2 great kids & don't know if my wife has been faithful or not.

I know shes flirted heavily right in front of me & she even denied that.

one minute it's like "how can I regain your trust"
The next minute it's " I haven't done anything wrong"

Any advise is welcome--yes I'm pretty desperate

Thanks, Matt

Dear Friend,
Im so sorry to hear of this pain you are experiencing. I know it is torture to be so sure but unable to back your feeling with fact. But sometimes even that does not help unless you go to incredible lenths. In Sept 2000 I found hotel transactions for the previous June and July 2000.I had been typeing an e-mail to a friend earlier that evening while he ws doing a night job and I had decided to wait up for him and get some chores done ,such as our vbills and banking. However,during the time i waw on the computer i had discovered a request from my H to an Agent for Elton John tickets. I knew neither my H nor I could or can stand Elton John.I was aware of one person we both knew who loved him though,it had to be a local woman who H talked to regularly ( Obsessively) on the net. She had said she adored Elton John and had mentioned several concerts she had been too in the past. He came in later at 4am from his job about three hours later then expected. (One suspicious thing about this job was the marked lack of income)I was it appears paying for the affair. The Hotels and dinners whilst i struggled to bearly feed te children and us, and pay the mortgage and other necessary bills. Either My income ewas paying for the hotels and dinners or his part time job was ( the job he took to try to help me out with the burden!!) He lied right into my eyes with the utmost sincerity about the hotels he lied about the salary he lied about many other ridiculos things that could not possibly be beleived by an even half way educated person but such is the character of the person having an affair when they fall. They fall real low and soon all integrity is gone and they do not care who suffers or is humiliated. He lied even when a friend of mine followed and took pics. He said they must be fake " you can do all sorts of stuff on computers these days." So if you have a gut feeling that things do not add up. they probably don't! If you feel she may be having an affair , she may well be,but honestly confronting will not work or help, she will get defencive and even more careful and resentful to you. Sadly you are not only the victim of this sick game but in order to finally stop it you will be forced to not only prove the affair but prove to her beyond any possible doubt or way out tht you know she his having an affair. Cast iron proof and then and only then will she possibly confess. I went though it for over two years and eventually it was the OW that told all....Good luck!!!

Hey Matt, what's crackin--
I'm divorced, too, and it wasn't due to unfaithulness. I have a sort of philosophy I live by; it is kind of ruthless, I know, so take my ramblings with a grain of salt, if you wish. I put this to you to make you feel a little better and perhaps more empowered.

First of all, from what you have written, your wife was f*cking the neighbor guy. Oh, she'll deny it and the proof will be left up to you. But I say scew that. She has disrespected you.

Sure she wants things to be back to where they were, but I submit to you she is already gone. Once a woman disrespects you like that, their feelings are gone forever. She'll be looking for the next exciting episode. You are purely and simply a meal ticket for her now. A human wallet, if you will.

You took the plunge in marriage, you played by the rules, and she walked all over the vows and in the sneakiest of fashions, gave herself away to someone else for her own enthusiasm and enjoyment. She didn't think twice about tyou, except for how she was going to deal with you. And true to form, she got pissy so she could stay on top of the situation.

Mow for my philosophy--your situation has placed you in a bad spot with yourself and she has totally dominated the relationship. I would get seriously mean and divorce her without word one, except to tell everyone you and she care about why you are doing it. Make her the talk of the town. Fight for custody of the kids, and make her life hell. In my opinion, there is no going back. Counselling? Screw that. This is marriage builders, I know, so like I said, take my ramblings with a grain of salt. But this is how I would operate.

Or, if you want to stay married for the kid's' sakes, consider the "Foraaking all others" clause void and go have a field day. Start staying out late, drinking with the guys, and seeing what you can get into.

basically, you can live a life of sadness and hurt knowing the one you love trounced all over your heart and will do it again with impunity; or you can take matters into your own hands and save yourself.

Yours and Rod's posts make me sick. Women these days are worse than guys ever were as far as throwing their sex around. I know so many guys who have been in your situation, and then after they have been burned, their wives turn around and take all their money in divorce. these poor [censored] have to PAY a lifetime for the pleasure of seeing their wives happily boink other guys.

It's time to take control of yourself.