At the end of August I discovered about my husband's affair with someone that worked for him (she had to leave the job, she and my H had no choice there)...ever since then its been a real rough road ahead. Confusion set in: sometimes I wanted to pack up and leave sometimes not. <P>Here are the pros and cons that I had to battle with:<P>Good reasons to leave:<BR>1. He cheated on me for approx. two years with this woman...he probably cheated on me with others I never knew about. <P>2. Cheating is in his blood: his brother did it (he chased every skirt), his father did it, his uncle did it...<P>3. I get this feeling he only tells me the things I want to hear and never comes out completely "clean" with me....he tells me half-truths.....even now (but, he only lies to me about other women, he is honest with me about other things).<P>4. He has proven to me to be a skillful liar, hard to prove when he lies. <P>5. My discovery has made him more guarded, even more difficult to prove when he is cheating, he knows that I now look for signs, he can no longer work late, and I might put a detective on him on his day off (still a real <BR>possibility)<P>6. I want to preserve some self-respect, I cannot do that by compromising and "accepting" what he is really all about.<P>7. I no longer view marriage as a healthy institution and why bother ? Unfortunately, our fierce fights and his infidelity have not <BR>been good for our children (17 y.o. dau and 14 y.o. son) who have come in on them and have told us to "stop acting like children"....incredible, isn't ? Our children telling us to stop acting like children. <P>8. Why should I live the rest of my life wondering if he is looking at me straight in the eye and running to the current OW or another ? Can I realistically do that ?<P>9. I should not stay because I might catch STD's and/or AIDS. <P>Good reasons NOT to leave:<P>1. The number one reason is the children --- daughter ran away one night when an apartment for me and divorce was brought up. She was completely against our separating...told us she will become a "bad" kid...she really is a wonderful kid...in fact...they were affected by our fights and both came home with terrible grades for the past 3 months.<P>2. The second reason is that I discovered how much I really love my husband and my life without him would really be empty...I would miss not only the great sex we have always had (even better now) but just sleeping in his arms and cuddling up...kissing him...hugging him...talking to him...sharing the rest of our dreams...travelling together...sharing our children TOGETHER.<P>3. Financial concerns...If I moved out I would have to get a second job to pay for the rent and this would give me less time with the kids....what would I accomplish? We have too many credit card bills as it is...and a mortgage.<P>4. Why make it easier for H and OW ? That's probably what she is praying for...although she was really good at keeping this affair a secret too and never wanted me to know...she doesn't care that he is still with me...she is divorced with no children and nothing to lose...she can continue with my husband for years....but I will not make it easy...<P>5. Although I have lost faith in marriage and wonder "why should anyone bother?" I did utter those words "I DO" and when I make a contract with someone I do not turn my back on it...I will do my best to fulfill it.<P>6. This is strange but...my mother in law asked me to keep the marriage together...to do it for my children...she gave her son (my husband) a good talking to...told him to stop<BR>seeing OW...and that I don't deserve this because I am a good wife to him...he swore to her that he has stopped...my MIL is on my side...she is great support for me.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>

good reasons- i have the same confusion.<BR>nice to know i aiint hte only one in the boat.

This sounds so familiar.<P>Something I want to bring up about your post is that so many of the cons are things you fear are happening or fear is true. <P>A lot of the pros are things you know you feel and know are true.<P>In other words "Knowns vs. Unknowns".<P>I am struggling with the decisions everyday. I know that part of me wants to leave and wishes I could, but I haven't after 18 months so there is obviously a part that wants or needs to stay. <P>If I stay and remain bitter and resentful for staying then it would be more fair to everyone involved if I would leave. If I leave without conviction, just to hurt him or make a point, knowing I will come back if were just willing to cry, that wouldn't be fair either.<P>My H sometimes gets upset that I haven't decided to stay, I have just not decided to leave. This worries me too, but isn't that better than making hasty promises to stay and then feeling obligated to keep them or even worse, leaving and maybe closing all doors of recovery?<P>Try to limit your con list to the concrete, there can be as many feelings and thoughts on your pro list as you want. . I'll try to do the same thing.

sadforever,<BR>I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that has done the pros and cons list about leaving.<P>Our reasons for wanting to leave are almost identical, I wouldn't say almost, THEY ARE IDENTICAL. The reasons for wanting to stay are also almost identical except for the financial one (it wouldn't be the same lifestyle, but a decent one nonetheless), the ages of our children are different, S-4, D-5mths, but one thing that I think about a lot, and it may or may not be valid, is that if this man, my childhood sweetheart, the father of my children (and a WONDERFUL one at that), the one that loves me (I believe that he does) can find it in his heart and mind to betray me, what are the chances that the next one to come around, wouldn't do the same? I know there are men out there that are faithful, but sad to say, at least in my circle of friends and family, they are the minority. So I figure, stick it out with him as hard as it may be.

sadforever,<P>I can relate to some of your reasons to stay. The "I DO", was the deciding factor to stay with H for me. I kept thinking about the "for better or for worse" part. This definately quilifies as the "for worse"! Like you, my MIL is on my side. Me and her have talked about the situation in depth, and she has had a talk with my H, which is probably along the lines that your MIL had with your H. I've also decided that although this is a horrible situation, I still really do love my H. I don't want to end our marriage, and will do anything to save it.<P>Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I all too often get comments from others who just cannot believe I would stay. It helps to hear why others have decided to stay too.

Don't take this as me recommending you leave.<P>I don't feel that staying because of an I Do is necessarily right.<P>Even the Lord allows for the dissolving of the marriage contract when it has already been "Torn Assunder" by a betraying spouse. Your marriage contract is null and void. It can be renewed by you. You can decide to continue to honor it, but until that decision is made by you, there is no longer a marriage contract for you to feel obligated to. <P>This is the only exception given to us by God concerning the marriage contract.<P>Feeling obligated to this contract can lead to feeling trapped. That is not healthy for you.<P>I'm not saying you should dissolve the contract, please do not think that. You are a very strong woman if you can continue to honor it and should be greatly admired, but do it because you want to not because you feel you have to.<BR>

Sadforever, <BR>Well, for me it came down to one reason above all others and I must confess to it. <BR>Even though the others might be realistic this is the one reason when all else fails:<P> I still love him.<P><BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Essyboo,<P>From you last post, you should be able to see why your H is very frustrated. You and only you hold the key to the future of your marriage and you are not making a decision. But remember this. He actually can make a decision also. He can decide to leave if you make it seem that there really is no future, whether you decide to stay or not.<P>It is very tough, but by having the affair and deciding to come back to you your H handed you all of the power to make it a happy marriage. I know you are aware of this power and to some extent it is paralyzing you. But his mistake and deciding to come back has given you total control over whether or not the marriage will be a happy one. He can stay in this limbo, you can stay in this limbo, you can decide to leave, or he can decide to leave. None of these options leads to a happy marriage.<P>Consider what sadforever, convenant, and others are saying about her decision process. It may not be perfect, but the know they must decide for themselves and then make the best of it.<P>Essyboo, your post are so full of information about yourself and situation. If you would step back and read it you will find the key to your decisions.<P>sadforever, this is a very good thread you have started. It sure does bring food for thought.<P>God Bless All of You<P>JL

sadforever, ok, so what is your point? do you have a question or are you making a statement?<BR>what do you what?