Is it "normal" to be afraid into going back and finding a new job after you have had an office affair that ended in your termination??

My wife and I are trying to communicate and save our marriage but we also know I need to find a job......quickly.

I was guilty of the affair and honestly, I am scared to go back into the workplace. I cannot explain it other than the fact than I am apprehensive and scared.

Maybe it's too soon after the job loss??? Maybe I know I need to work on my relationship with my wife.

Please offer some help.

What does getting a new job have to do with your affair? Are you implying you'll just get into another affair if you start a new job? I hate to be harsh here, but jesus man you really need to get your life/act together. Find some common ground in your life and work towards being a better person. Sounds from what you have said already that you lost your last job cause of the affair - own up to the fact that you were a part of that happening. Every action has a reaction so look before you leap.

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

You know, sometimes I feel as if the group is "too harsh" or too truthful.

I am implying that the job loss in Texas was exactly that, a severe loss. Putting away the affair that I had, I loved the job, the area and the people.

Realizing that it was only a fantasy causes me more emptiness because I was doing so well while still supporting the family. My dreadful mistake was getting involved in a sexual affair.

The group seems to hammer the "I's" on my responses. Well, I am hurting,too. Like an addiction, I replay some of the new experiences.

But the group will point out "Do it with your wife!!!".

Well, it's work!!!!! Lot's of it!!!!!!!

I don't want to hear the negative responses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to hear the negative responses.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Randy ...

It seems you have come to the realization that the majority of us here on MB are BSs, and yes, we are in fact truthful. But let me reemphasize the point that has been made on this site time and time again: THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

Also, you have found out that the truth hurts. But that is also part of the process, and it is also temporary. You and your W will work through it, since it sounds like both of you want to make the M work. PAIN AND NEGATIVITY ARE GIVENS IN THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY AND MAKING YOURSELF HEALTHY. If you try to dodge the pain or dance your way around it, it's going to come back to bite you in the a$$! My objective here is to not make this a negative response, but simply one of advice. You must face the truth and go through the pain in order to get yourself in a much healthier and REAL situation.

Try to look at your life this way:

Maybe you were not meant for that job. I know you loved it, but maybe you were not meant to be there. Stop focusing on how much the job meant to you. It's over. Take that energy and rechannel it into polishing your resume!!

Also, you have told us that the affair is over. Is it really, when you keep replaying the thoughts and non-real feelings in created in you over and over again? Focus on what is real ... I know it's scary, and I know you are grieving over the loss of your job, but my advice to you is to give yourself a deadline as to how long you want to sulk, and after that, rebuke it ... move on as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, the feelings don't go away overnight, but you must start today.

Good luck and blessings to you ...

Find a good counselor ... it sounds like you really need some face to face time with someone who can help you.

Starting to think this guy is blind and clueless. I would suggest you getting some mental help of some sort and I am not trying to be sarcastic about that in anyway. You have serious deep rooted problems that I don't think your going to get help/answers for by randomly posting your problems/thoughts on a message board.

Ever heard the saying "You can't help someone that won't accept the help"? Or how bout "Change can only come from within yourself"?

People come here to get help and listen to the wisdom and experinces of others. If you just going to post without even taking the advice or at least taking to heart what other people are saying then your only wasting your own time.

Your only hurting yourself with your patterns.

My wife and I are going to try the dating process all over again this weekend. Both of our children will be with the GRandparents.

We are thinking about making a dinner and then eating with the lights out and just the candles.
Problem is, the wife is asking, "Did you do this with your slut?"

This is going to break the mood and I wonder how to overcome these thoughts???

Be truthful and patient no matter what she asks or says...realize that her pain is not about you it's about her. That was one of the toughest lessons we learned in MC.

Romance is good...go for it. Try not to take everything on this site personal, we are here to help...sometimes it just doesn't sound like you are really listening.

Did you call the Harley counseling line? Have you bought Torn Asunder or SAA yet?

Some of the group members are brutally honest and I am having a hard time coping.

"I" needs to replaced with "we" but as long as I am hurting, focussing on my wife and her needs has become secondary.

The loss in weight and any type of desire to do things has taken a toll on the entire family. Yes, I am guilty of infedelity, but the pain and the loss that "I" have had to deal with has "superceeded" anything else.

"Promised Me The Moon"-is brutality honest and sometimes I think that he is right. But the truth of the matter is that I lost so much of myself in November of last year, that I can't go on. I don't know how to!!!!

You seem to concentrate on the BS. What about the spouse that commits????

The marriage was in jeapordy anyway!!!

GO AHEAD "PROMISED ME THE MOON"-----YOU ALREADY ARE BRUTALLY HONEST!!!

Some of the group members are brutally honest and I am having a hard time coping.

"I" needs to replaced with "we" but as long as I am hurting, focussing on my wife and her needs has become secondary.

The loss in weight and any type of desire to do things has taken a toll on the entire family. Yes, I am guilty of infedelity, but the pain and the loss that "I" have had to deal with has "superceeded" anything else.

"Promised Me The Moon"-is brutality honest and sometimes I think that he is right. But the truth of the matter is that I lost so much of myself in November of last year, that I can't go on. I don't know how to!!!!

You seem to concentrate on the BS. What about the spouse that commits????

The marriage was in jeapordy anyway!!!

GO AHEAD "PROMISED ME THE MOON"-----YOU ALREADY ARE BRUTALLY HONEST!!!

"Promised Me The Moon"---What exactly is "your" story???

I would like to hear your past experiences that have made you an "expert".

I have never been in this situation before in my life and I made a tragic error in July of last year when I accepted the position despite my wifes refusal. She visited the area. She hated it!!!

Our marriage was in trouble before I accepted the position. The ingedients were right for an affair.
All I needed was a "slut" at work that saw me as an opportunity and nothing else.

She had no desire for a commitment. All I was to her was " an affair".

Trouble was..........I fell for her!!!!

MY FAULT MY PROBLEM!!!!!

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hello, this is Randy's wife!
I have just read all the polls that Randy has written and all the responses from all of you! THANK YOU for all your support! I am hoping that he takes your advice seriously. Although I feel that he likes to play poor pitty me! I am having a hard time dealing with what he had done to me and our marriage! He left us at an extremely fragile state in our marriage when he took that job in Texas! We had everything going against us to begin with. Our youngest son having major surgery, the fact that we could not afford to move down there due to financial reasons and so on! Yes, I hate it there! It isn't a nice place to raise your family! But I had no choice later on to move down there!
What upsets me the most is the fact that all the things I dreamed of doing with my husband, he did them with her! I asked him several times to do such and such and there was always an excuse! I am so hurt and devestated over this! What is so sad is that I trusted him! I never thought in a billion years he would do this to me! So out of character for him! He is generally a nice person! Although this pitty me act is getting pretty old don't you all think???? But I keep asking him what does he want to do? He says he wants to save this marriage but on the other hand he is giving me different signals! I am almost at the point to call it quits because I can't stand to see him pout over this slut! And the fact that his arms were around hers and she did all sorts of things to him made me lose my idenity! She did more than violate me! She made me into nothing in his eyes! I wish I can confront her! But what good is that going to do?
Did anyone find it hard just to go out to the store? I also hate listening to the radio because I am afraid something might trigger my mind of him and her! Or if he is around he might think of her! When the truth was laid out on the table when I found out that they actually slept together, I had a crying spell for at least two days! Faith Hill's song; "Cry" is a good song to cry over! But he listen's to the cd and gets upset over her! AM I AN IDIOT?????? Do I count? Do I need to get out of this marriage???? I can't put my feelings aside. I still love him! That new feeling that he writes about is definitely gone but I had brought my feelings to the next level! I somehow believe that he thinks once that "new" feeling is over with, the love is gone! He is going to be 37 next week and he has the maturity level if a 14 year old!
The pain is so numbing that I cannot fuction in a normal life! Weird thing is, I want him around me but when he is i want to hate him and beat the living day lights out of him! He will never experience the pain that I am going through! Only if he knew. Maybe his whole attitude would change! I need some advice and healing! Oh, we are seeing a MC! She said that he lacks empathy! Hummmmm! Self centered people are like that!

RAS
The world feels pretty lonely right now even though my friends are around!

Hello,
I don't feel comfortable addressing you simply as Randy's wife. In Past posts I have refered to you as Mrs. Randy, but You are important, as yourself, not as an appendage. How may I address you with the respect that you deserve as the unique individual that you are?

This site is for YOU, as well as Randy. You sound like the mature half of the marriage, so I am sure that you are the one who is holding the marriage together at the moment. At the present Randy is not ready to see anyone but Randy and his problem. Many of the people on the forum have been in the same position that you have found yourself in today. They have learned how to work through it, and are here to offer support to both You and Randy.

Since you have read the posts, you are well aware of that. I have been hoping that you were reading along, and seeing that you are important to everyone here. Randy might have found this site, but he has not hit bottom yet, so he might not be ready to take advantage of anything it has to offer. You, on the other hand, are mature enough to see the advantages offered. Please stay with us! Talk with us, and help yourself to the experiences and advise available.

We have been violated, raped, degraded, Dragged through the pits of hell and generaly treated with less respect than toilet paper. But We are fighters,and survivors. You are too! You have proven that by being here. That is a good beginning to the fight. Look around and see how many there are in your corner cheering you on.

You asked "AM I AN IDIOT??... DO I COUNT?? Let me assure you that you are NOT an idiot. Boy, how many times did I ask myself that same question? Heartaches cause you to question everything about yourself, and nothing is so lonely as feeling that no-one understands, or cares about "your" pain. As the mature one you are supposed to "suck it up" and not have anything but support and pitty for the poor misunderstood creature who was sooo taken advantage of by the evil seducer.

Sound familiar? How did I know? Ask anyone here, we have been there and done that. Just stick with us and one day you will answer posts and say, " I was once where you are, so I understand." Eventualy you will post, "but now I am recovered."

Let's get started on your road to recovery.
Agape. fudd.

Wow. Seems like the two of you are on that big upside-down loopty-loop part of the roller coaster ride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There will be some of those. But who to start with first? I guess it's you Randy, since by just posting here and dealing with the 'brutally honest' remarks seems to indicate that you really do want your marriage to work.

It's obvious you are still in withdrawal. My FWW seems to still be experiencing the same thing. Keep in mind that this powerful emotional addiction creates cravings in you that seem unstoppable and it can take months for them to go away. But you are one step ahead of my W. You have broken off all contact. Good for you!!!!!

The other problem is, you realize you were used, like my W is beginning to realize, and all you can think about is how stupid what you did was. My W is there right now and is convinced that I will never be able to love or want her again. WARNING! That route will only convince you that it will never work. That you can never regain the passion in your marriage again AND IT'S NOT TRUE. Stop. Sit down. Take a good look at yourself and start to evaluate what you are doing NOW to save your marriage. Recovery is a progressive process ... reliving the past will only hinder progress. I recommend a good book on cognitive therapy like Feeling Good by David Burns. It'll help you deal with negative thoughts. I also recommend seeing a doctor and perhaps getting medicated to help deal with the anxiety/depression that I'm sure you are feeling.

Next, if you aren't seeking counseling, make sure you at least have some necessary tools to begin any possible self-healing. I'm talking about SAA and HNHN. Sit down and read those books! SAA in particular because it gives you a starting point. But HNHN is great if you really want to start building that love that seems impossible again.

OK ... Mrs. Randy. I know exactly how you feel. I'm on a rough part of the ride myself. We were doing great for a bit, but it was because I was Plan A'ing my a$$ off. If you don't know what that is, make sure you go to the basic concepts part of this website and READ EVERYTHING. Get SAA and start there if you haven't already. Randy made a comment about having a candlelight dinner and you making a comment about his 'slut'. Someone else told Randy to deal with it and answer the questions, but you need to realize that there is a proper place and time for questions. What Randy mentioned is what I'd call a Love Buster .... not the best thing to do when you are on a date trying to fill each other's EN's. Control yourself. If you are being eaten up with comments/questions, get yourself a little notebook and jot them all down ... saving them for the RIGHT place and time. A time when the two of you can sit down and talk peacefully about your feelings and questions, as well as his. Don't ruin the moments where the two of you should be depositing love units. Trust me, there are rewards for self-control.

Lastly, for both of you, please please don't give up. What your family and mine is going through is exactly what is making this world a rough place to live in. Gather yourselves together and supply yourselves with the necessary tools and information to fight the selfish and destructive tendencies we all have. You will be rewarded for your efforts.

My thoughts are with you.

Zaed

Randy,
I have been reading your posts, and would like for you to know that you are not alone. You are to be commended for ending the A, and commiting to your marriage.

Although I am a WW, my situation sounds very similar to yours...as far as feelings go.

I too liked what the OM offered....he made me feel very special. I ended the A, and made the choice to stay with my husband...but the memories still haunt me. This marriage board has helped more than anything.

Here are some things that have helped: (Most of this has come from other FWW, and I have tried to follow their advice and it is working.

1. Realize your feelings are normal...you are not alone.

2. Make lots of effort with your wife even if it feels forced. I have started hugging my husband (I have always longed for more affection)...I have been kissing him ever single time he and I are together again after being apart (even for a short while). This has been hard....but it is getting easier. He is coming around, and starting to initate the affection first.

3. Focus on the OW's faults: I keep telling myself everything bad I know about the OM (no one is perfect)....this is helping.

Somewhere on your other thread someone used the analogy of driving a car 120 mph. It might feel good...but you would be a fool to keep on doing it!

4. Keep posting here....you need support or you will go CRAZY.

5. Celebrate every small success....you will have many ups and downs throughout this whole ordeal.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Diane

" You are to be commended for ending the A, and commiting to your marriage".

Diane, I did not end the affair, she did for another married man. But I was fired the next day. In reality, either I was going to get fired or resign. My wife knew about the affair and it was now in the open.

It would have been impossible to work there....ever!!!

I know this was the only answer. Quit or be fired. I think I delibertly jeapordized my job knowing the outcome would be I was going to get fired.

Want to know the ironic part??????????

I really did not have to send any e-mails to the staff regarding her new "lover". He was going to be asked to leave WITHOUT me intervention.

Well, you are to be commended for wanting to work on your marriage. Remember to celebrate even small things.

If I had not gotten caught, I might still be in the A. My husband knew of it awhile before he confonted me. It happened because we had a rather large fight over laundry!

I am now so glad that he 'rescued' me from it! It truely is an addiction.....I asked him once why he didn't stop me sooner...he never answered me I don't think. I took it as if he just didn't care.

Try being overly loving with your wife--even if your thoughts are not with her, and just see what happens. If things don't get better between the two of you, then at least you will have some peace in knowing that you tried.

Sorry about your job. I know that adds an extra stress on an already stressful situation. I probably deserved to lose mine through all this....I have not been the best employee in the world. Diane

Diane:

I am struggling over the loss of the job that I loved and a wife who is mourning. My job helped feed the troops oversea's. I was responsible for the transportation/cordination.

I loved the people there and once I was fired, they forbidded? me to make any contact with them.

I am suppose to concentrate on my wife but looking for a new position and heading into depression is taking a toll.

The absolute worse part is realizing/remembering how special I was made to feel by this woman. For just a little bit I felt things I have......

I am struggling so hard with letting go.

I fell in love with the area in McAllen, Texas...too. So warm out at night!!!

Think of the things the OW did that made you feel so special...and see if somehow you can get your wife to start meeting these needs.

Maybe she will....I'm certainly no expert, but one of the things the OM did for me was give me affection and compliments. So.....

I have started doing those things for my husband...and guess what...he is beginning to come around and return the favor.

We still have a long way to go...but if she 'knows' you are committed, she can change. I never thought my husband would change this much. He was pretty much a cold fish...had really built up a shell around himself.

It is lots of work, but I think the whole thing may end up having a very positive affect on us...if we ever get through all of it. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had not tried to save my marriage. We have been married 31 years, so we have alot invested in each other. Another thing that has helped me 'know' I did the right thing by choosing to work on my marriage is thinking of myself with the OM and fitting into his life. I would have had to give up alot of 'who' I am to do this....and I am beginning to see that it wouldn't have worked....I wouldn't have been happy. Focus on anything you can to get your mind off of her....Most importantly...force yourself to give your wife some love and see what happens. Diane