When I'm having a good day, there is nothing that I cannot do....however, when I experience a "bad" day, I feel like it is the end of the world. I sent my Plan B letter yesterday and it has been hell ever since. I've been called names, told that I am jealous (I learned that is he now residing with his ex-wife)and that he is happy for me if I found someone and was happy. This crushed me....he said, "I'm not jealous, I could care less about you." He called me horrible names, all while his ex-wife was present. I felt horrible and humiliated. How much can one person take. I'm going to marriage counseling, like a fool, trying to put this back together and here I learn that it is truly not worth my time....my husband does not WANT me. Yes, he may need me, for the financial aspect of our marriage, but hell, he doesn't want me. My pride, my ego and most of all, my self-esteem suffered a severe blow. I feel absolutely crushed and do not know how to combat this. He called me today and manipulated me into this cowering fool....I'm disgusted with myself, in that I allowed him, once AGAIN. How do you get thru the bad days? I haven't cried in weeks, yet today, I haven't been able to stop running to the Ladies Room and breaking down. How could a person "fall out of love" so quickly. He told me that it was a choice between the street and his ex-wife's house....imagine that....me, the children and our home were not even on the list.

Kimmie,

I feel so sad when I read your post. I am so sorry to hear this is happening. #1 he has affair with OW then moves in with his X-wife! That goes pail beyond crazy! Remember 1 thing - this is not your fault and you do not deserve all this undo treatment. It is obvious you have your head on right and you are commited to saving your marriage. Things look incredible bleak for me sometimes too and I know that deep feeling of hopelessness. He is just trying to take advantage of you and make you feel like your are the small person when in fact it is he. This is what they feel when they loose control and he is at a lose right now. I just find the fact of him moving in with his x-wife unheard of. Did you expect this? Did you know they were still in close contact and she would allow something like this? I feel for you so much but please remember this is not your fault, your husband is missing out on a great lady and a great chance to right all his wrongs. Just remember if he can't get on board - the boat goes on without him. Stay tough - I wish I could say more to comfort you in this crazy hurtfull time.

Hiya Promise...good seeing your name and again, and as always, thanks for such a warm response. Sometimes I do not know how I do it, but I'm incredibly sad at the moment. I try incessantly to get this entire ordeal out of my mind and OVER...I would love to be one of those people that say, Okay, I'm over it....and move on. God, why do I continually try to work on this relationship when all I really want to do is say, "the hell with it" and give up! I'm pretty much fed-up.

The first wife has always been a bit of a problem, but nothing so much that was not workable. You see, she would call and, as there was a child as a product of their marriage, he felt he owed her all the time and respect in the world. CHild support was never an issue, he picked up his son every weekend, every holiday, ever this day and that day. For me, it has been a hellish nightmare trying to get him to give me money (and believe me, he makes it!). He says that there is not enough money to live...but when I tell him to reduce his elder son's support order,he tells me NO. He tells me that I haven't changed...I'm still living with my parents (with my children)....yet, his ex-wife lives with her mother and two sons, one from my H and an other from another boyfriend. He gravitates to such winners. The OW was divorced with two sons (who live with their father). Yet, he now, once again, has the security of a family, so coming back home is not an issue again. What I cannot understand Promise (and this is an issue even when I'm happy) is that, how could he stop caring in such a short period of time? He calls me such terribly degrading names? He manages to ruin whatever self-esteem I build up. He called my Plan B letter, which was very well written (I'm a degreed English Major in Writing and Literature). He called it a psycho-maniac letter with little if any meaning. I thought he would at least have a twinge of some type of feeling for me. Pardon if I sound if I am throwing a rather big "pity" party, but I'd rather talk or type (in this case) than argue with him. I'm playing on a trip somewhere to clear my head....I do not want to leave my children, but I need some time away to gather my life and my wits together.

Thanks for listening.

Kimmie, no problem I am always here to listen and I always am thankful for your kind advise and wisdom. This stone cold act is something my wife did. When I confronted the OM by calling him, my wife went through the roof and told me she had hated me for years and called me all kinds of things I had never thought I would ever hear come from her, all sorts of nasty things to run me down and belittle me. I think by doing this it gave her a sense of power and went hand in hand for the justification of bringing me all the hell I had coming to me for all the years I did not give her full attention.

It is hard for you to simply chalk up this marriage and move on because your heart is so deeply rooted and I have to say I respect that a lot cause I am trying so hard too and my heart is so into something I feel like I can't win at. Not that I treat it as a game but you get the idea. One great piece of advise a friend gave me was when it feels like the cards are so far down on the table and your up against a wall to try to for a little while take yourself out of your problem enough to clear your head and then you will feel better to deal with the real issues. I know - easier said than done but sometimes it helps me. No saying forget your problems but park them on the curb for a minute. When my d-day hit there were days when I was so out of sorts that I could not even cope with life or even show up for work. It's like a state of shock like finding out someone died and since then its been no were worse but when bad things come into my head I do get those times when I feel like I am going to loose it. Do you have any close friends you can talk to about this situation? I know one of my closest buddies has been a big help to me and helping me clear my head and vent. He also kept me from going over to the OM's house and beating the ever leaving crap out of him!

Please hang in there - my thoughts are with you.

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: promiseherthemoon ]</small>

Kimmee,
Its obvious from his reaction that he DOES care.
Get out of victim mode- we have all been there.
Stop seeing this as him leaving you.
YOU ARE LEAVING HIM.
And he cant stand it. Enjoy it. I know this probably sounds incredibly cold right now, but think about it. if he didnt have any feelings for you at all, and really couldn't care less, why is he calling you? Why is he so hostile? Why is he even spending such an enormous amount of energy trying to make you feel guilty?
Its because he does care. Even if its in a psychotic-scummy-bratty way.
Ever seen a movie where they show a heroin addict going through withdrawal? Well, you're Plan B has just put him into that sort of situation and he doesnt like it one bit.
Tough love,Kimmee. It does work. Either he shapes up, or you will become a stronger person completely in control of YOUR destiny. Either way, you win.

Mojo, I think you nailed this one right on the head.

He is being insulting because he can, he is trying to regain control that he is losing.

Hullo Everyone and thank you, always, for your wise advice. Yesterday was a rocky one for me. It ended okay, but it could have been worse. H called up, yet again. I was firm and told him that if it did not pertain to the children, there was very little at the moment that we needed to speak of. I politely said, "Good Bye", but guess what, he called back again. He was "upset" and "confused", etc., etc. I recapped my Letter B verbally, which I would say is a No, No, but I felt, that it is my nature to do good, rather than be a b****. Anyway, it was me mostly explaining that I allowed this and that he must find himself....in doing so, I will now devote myself to ME. Of course, he said things like, "Now, what if I don't want to be married anymore and maybe I'm just too scared to say its over, and not to mention, other statements which elude to him "not" working on our marriage. Now everyone, you know my feelings....I felt scared. I did NOT (which I was proud of myself for this one) cower and say, "that's not what I want, etc., etc". I do not want to end the marriage, but I did not let him know that. I told him that he has to do what is right for him. To cut to the point, everyone is so right, helpful and STRONG and I am weak at this point still. I have my moments of strength and insight, but these past few days, I feel a bit rough. I truly think all of my frustration and anger is developed out of fear that he will NOT come back. Mind you, I'm not dependent on him in anyway...I have no trouble raising the children and I have a good job, etc., etc. He continually tells me that I don't love him (guilt and pity party all mixed into one, wouldn't you say?). I'm scared....I don't want to fail my marriage or my children, but, I put a stop. He asked me to dinner this evening, which I politely declined. I explained, which I didn't have to, that I could not dine with him, discuss our relationship, knowing that he will be returning to the home of his ex-wife. It is not fair to me, and I would only be disrespecting myself. He said, "You're right...I shouldn't have asked." Is he once again throwing a guilt trip on me? It's almost like he needs to know I'm there...at his beck and call.

Frustration is mounting my dear friends...I need a pick to get through it....any and all advice is welcome.

Your H must be so lucky to have 3 women going at the same time. It must be an incredible ego rush for him. You are doing the right thing, no matter how difficult. Stay strong and weather the storm. You'll get through it and come out the other side with your head held high. Concentrate on what you do have right now--yourself and your children. Your children need you now more than ever. Let this guy get over himself.