I wanted to throw this information out into our forums relating to what an MD recently told my husband after he had an affair with my current boss. All 3 of us work at same place to this day!

My husband, on his own, decided to go see an MD to see what their take was on the fact that he had an affair with an unattractive, nasty woman that he overall can't stand... He knew she slept with many other guys, respected no one and verbally and mentally abused her 2 young children.
My husband came clean with me about the affair (one time sexual act not in a bedroom).

He claims he has NO CLUE why he became close with her (first as co-workers, then friends, and she advanced on him sexually and he had NO problem resisting).
He knows he was very depressed at times of his entire life which was enough to make him find out how he can damage our vows without a CARE (at the time)...

Surprisingly, this MD diagnosed him with being mildly bipolar (mild manic depressive)!!!

We were both shocked but proceeded with treatments as we had NOTHING to lose at this point and he was sick of not feeling "right".

Well, he was put on a mild antidepressant (Thankfully NOT prozac!!!) and a mood stabilizer (stops him from having "high Highs or low Lows").

After 2 months of treatments, my husband DOES act and look better. He cannot believe how "in control" he now is. For instance, when we argued about the affair (I would freak on him) his hands would shake from the anxiety and go into a depression... Now he feels able to better cope.

If anyone can relate to my situation (I realize It is quite vague at this point), you may want to look up bipolar on the internet to research further.
If it seems out of character for your spouse to have had an affair, this may be a reason why...

I know it will NOT relate to all affairs, but it may save some marriages-after all, isn't it worth it to try????

Note: my boss is also being treated with antidepressants as she has MAJOR issues she is attending to. Thankfully the "big boss" of us all is completely aware of this entire mess and is monitoring as necessary. Isn't life grand????

Welcome Nan,

I am glad the meds are working for your H. He is a lucky man. I have bipolar II (but thankfully no affairs) and can relate to the relief that comes from finally being in control.

Take Care.

My husband ALSO is Bipolar 2! I am curious what med's your doctor has you on (wellbutrin sound familiar?)

Who would have known that medications can help with curb temptation! Now if only there was a drug to stop FLOOZIES from going after our spouses in the FIRST place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I wish you well!

Nan,

I take a low dosage (900mg/day) of Carbolith (Lithium Carbonate). It works very well for me with few side effects (extra suseptable to dehydration, some aggravation of a pre-existing skin condion). My pdoc gave me a choice of meds and I chose Lithium because it has been well studied and the list of side-effects was least intolerable to me. It is higher maintainace though. I have to get regular blood tests. That doesn't bother me. It works on both my highs and lows so I don't take any anti-depressants. I'm happy with that. It has also curbed my temper. I find it very difficult to remain volcano angry for more than a few minutes now. My husband is very happy with that.

The med's my husband is on still do NOT control OR curb his volcanic eruptions of anger and it is scaring me.
Now when tensions are high--and believe ME after an affair they GET high--he starts hitting things and flipping out. I have learned not to get him angry while he is driving as he then drives EXTREMELY erratically and scares the LIFE out of me--not to mention risks our lives....

The latest issue we have come across is impotence. I do not know what the cause is, but it just so happens to be the anniversary week of his affair so it does NOT help me any that this happened. How much more can I TAKE?????? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Nan,

Is your H in therapy? It sounds like he needs it. I spent the 6 months leading up to my dx in therapy with a social worker (Very good!) and the last year working with a psychiatrist (also very good). It helped. My therapists told me that even after the illness is brought under control I would still have to deal with the fall-out from it (learned behaviours, guilt, broken relationships, avoiding triggers). They were right.

Also meds have side-effects. Often nasty ones. You mentioned that he was on an anti-depressant. Anti-depressant drugs (especially SSRIs) commonly have sexual side-effects. You might want to check it out. (I even think there are a few threads on this site dealing with this issue.)

Are you in therapy? You might find it helpful. You can get alot of support and good advice here too. Just ask. A bipolar spouse, his A, and his temper are alot to deal with by yourself. You've come to a good place for support.

Take care.

My H had an affair AFTER starting his meds for bipolar. I thought the meds would actually curb his desire but obviously he had NO problem performing. Prior to our marriage he made sure he ALWAYS used condoms. He did NOT use them during the affair. He also had the affair w/a woman 17 years older than he was and who was also married. Since he had the affair after starting his meds -- I am not so sure he won't have another one. He has no answers for as to why except the opportunity presented itself and he was in a situation where it would be hard for me to find out (working all over the place - traveling). I found out through e-mails.

He says he feels much better on the meds but I see nothing. I do not see much remorse. He has had a counseling appt scheduled for the last 4 weeks and was a "no show" for each one. I have a problem with all the lying he has done prior to/during/and after the affair. Seems like it is second nature to him.

We were just starting the marriage builders book when I found out about the affair. I just thought we were having a hard time communicating. Even when he read about the radical honesty he didn't tell me. Now we are just in limbo and I don't know what to be more leary of -- dealing with the lies and the affair OR dealing with the fact that he is bipolar and not seeming to want to help himself too much (he hasn't held jobs for long periods either -- always has a problem with being told how to do things).

So, to answer your question, I do not think being bipolar leads one to having an affair. I think it contributes to making bad choices in general. I just don't know. My sister is bipolar (diagnosed in her teens and she is now 30) and makes extremely bad choices. She has never cheated on her boyfriend though.