My H and I have been together for 10 years, 3 of which we were married. There was something about him. Let me say I was 15 when we started dating. We always fought about him not apologizing. We still do. We got married in 2000 and everything was ok for the first year. However his verbal abuse got worse and worse. He had always put me down, infront on family, friends, coworkers. It didn't matter. He was cruel and hurtful. When I said something to him about it he said that my feelings were stupid and I didn't know what i was talking about and pretty much to get over it. Well, in 2002 I was diagnosed with Anxiety attacks. I was have panic attacks more and more. I started realizing that he was the cause of these attacks. I started working long hours, to avoid being with him. I started hating him for the way he made me feel. I hated myself, I had no confidence in anything I did. I was lost. I spoke to no one about what I was feeling. Then around x-mas 2002, I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay married. To make matters worse, I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, who makes me feel alive, confident and happy. He and I had been working a lot together and we just clicked. We have been having an affair now for 3 months. I don't feel any guilt about what I am doing to my H. I am seeing a counsler, but do not want to see one with my H. My H doesn't believe me when I say I want a Divorce. He doesn't know about the affair. But he just doesn't listen to me. I know now, that had I woken up 3 years ago, to his verbal abuse, I would not have married him. I know the affair is wrong, I know that. I never thought I would do this. However, this man is everything I have ever wanted. This man is married as well. He just had a baby 7 months ago. He has had problems with his wife more a year now too, and has told his wife about me. He is living in a hotel now.
I just don't know what to do. Do I keep the affair a secret from my H, and continue with the divorce? Or do I need to tell him? He has not made any hints that he suspects anything.

Divorce your H? Maybe. See below.

Marry the OM? NO WAY. This is a man who will cheat on his wife and abandon his marriage despite having a newborn child. If you become his wife, he will cheat on you, too.

Your marriage has no chance as long as you are having an affair. Dump the OM, and tell your husband about the affair, but somewhere safe - like in the therapists office. Then, take a few months and decide what to do. I do not recommend you stay in a marriage where you are being abused. However, the shock of learning of the affair MAY stimulate your H to change. If not...well, you don't really have a marriage right now, anyway. While you see what happens, read here about what a marriage is supposed to look like. You will need it for your current marriage, if it survives, or any future marriage, if it does not. I was in a lousy marriag efor many years, and never really knew what was wrong until I read here about what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. It has been a revelation, and with work we have made our marriage a good one.

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>