I recently married a man I thought I could learn to love. I love my husband, but I don't think I will ever be in love with him. We share many of the same interests, and despite my feelings of confusion we have a great marriage. We are very good to each other and very respectful. Despite all this, I know in my heart of hearts he is not my soul mate, but I know the person who is. For years, I had an on and off relationship with my ex-boyfriend, but because of timing and maturity issues we took separate paths in life, however, neither of us ever forgetting the other. After all these years (8 in fact), my heat still yearns for him, I can truly say I love him and will always love him. There is no one I have ever loved more in my life, not even my husband (who I have known for 7 years). When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I started seeing my now husband, since then my now husband has always been so good to me and has never given me a reason to break up with him. Quite frankly other than his "love-affair" with fishing, he is perfect. We had never talked about marriage, however, having asked my parents for my hand in marriage, they warned me ahead of time that he was going to propose. They did this because they wanted to give me time to think about my decision and not continue wasting his time if my answer was going to be no. In my hearts of hearts, I knew I didn't really want to marry him, but not having a reason to say no, I accepted anyway. I have never stopped thinking or even loving my ex-boyfriend and my husband knows my ex is special to me (although I am sure not to the degree discussed here). For years, even through my relationship with my now husband, my ex and I kept in touch at times, but a relationship was just was not feasible not only because he was finishing up dental school and I medical school in different states, but because when he wanted me, I did not want him, and when I wanted him, he did not want me. The problem now, is that he has returned to California (our home state) and once again we have crossed paths. When this occurred, I really thought it was in the cards (despite my marriage) that we were meant to be together. And again, all my feelings for him surfaced-not that they had ever gone away. Before his call, I so badly wanted to believe that I was able to move on with my life and learn to fall in love with my husband and quite frankly, this was just starting to happen and then we crossed paths. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to cut all ties with him and continue on the path my life was on before we met again. But the fact is, matters of the heart this strong can not be ignored. And besides, my ex really is a great guy too; he is the only person I can completely be myself around, however, he is not as “perfect” as my husband and my relationship with him is not as stable and balanced as it is with my husband. My life with my husband has a lot of stability and balance; it is what everyone would call the "perfect life" but at times I question it myself because it all seems too good to be true. Quite frankly, there are no financial difficulties and we are very happy, but my heart yeans for my loving ex. Now that we have crossed paths again in life, I can't help but wonder if I should leave this "fairy tale" life I live and leave and start a new life with my loving ex. My ex is very hurt I am now married and wants to respect the fact that I am married and not pursue a relationship until I have made a decision. Part of me does not understand why, but I am thankful in a way because at least one of us has morals. Stability and balance are very important to me, but building a life with someone is too. With my husband, I will never feel like we are building anything because my income will never matter. With my ex I will feel the ever so human feeling of creating something together, starting with something small and building a life together. The life I live today was given to me, I did nothing to earn it, but as my ex tells me, "say I do." My husband would be so heart broken if he found out I was contemplating these ideas, because he truly is good to me and I to him. I don't know if I should risk all I have for maybe even nothing at all. Thoughts prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I think the ghost of your ex boyfriend is keeping you from being able to love your husband. It really doesn't sound like your ex was as great in reality as he is in your mind. If he was, you would be married to him. What you sound like you are in love with is the fantasy of what good parts of your relationship with the ex bf were, try and remember the reasons you two didn't stay together.

I don't know if you will find real love with your husband if you are focusing so much on the ex. I have no good advice as in what to do, heck, my life is in enough of a mess I am not qualified to give advice!

laci,

Welcome to MB. I will be blunt with you and I don't mean to hurt you or disrespect you. But first please read up the basic concept about MB. In-Love could be created if you let someone give 4 gifts of love !. You never give your H any chance from the beginning of M.
You have to decide on this old baggage that you bring into your marriage. If you want your BF then divorce your H and be honest with him. If you want your H then tell your h honestly and wrote a no contact letter for exBF ... then start get conseling with MB or learing MB together. Read HNHN if you decide to do this.

Now let me 2x4 ...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recently married a man I thought I could learn to love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Willing is the key, you had the willing it just that you don't know the way. If you want to fall in-love with your H there is a way.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">..... neither of us ever forgetting the other. .... I can truly say I love him and will always love him. There is no one I have ever loved more in my life, not even my husband (who I have known for 7 years).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You never give a chance to your H ! don't kid yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For years, even through my relationship with my now husband, my ex and I kept in touch at times, but a relationship was just was not feasible not only because he was finishing up dental school and I medical school in different states, but because when he wanted me, I did not want him, and when I wanted him, he did not want me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have an EA ..., did your H know about the contact ? and the content of the contact ?.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I so badly wanted to believe that I was able to move on with my life and learn to fall in love with my husband and quite frankly, this was just starting to happen and then we crossed paths.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to do NC and let your H to fillin your ENs.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And besides, my ex really is a great guy too; he is the only person I can completely be myself around, however, he is not as “perfect” as my husband and my relationship with him is not as stable and balanced as it is with my husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have been a cake eater for this long and you have to decide now. You can't be around your H as yourself since you had built a wall between you and your H. That wall is your exBF.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex is very hurt I am now married and wants to respect the fact that I am married and not pursue a relationship until I have made a decision.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a not a respecful man, he is selfish ... he should not have you make this decision and he should stay way from you the day you are M.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Part of me does not understand why, but I am thankful in a way because at least one of us has morals.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Both of you don't have it, sorry. He never let you go and have no cajone to ask to M you ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stability and balance are very important to me, but building a life with someone is too. With my husband, I will never feel like we are building anything because my income will never matter.[quote]
You could buy a piece of land, plan and build a vacation cabin from the ground up with your husband ... that cabin would be your retirement home in the future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

[quote]With my ex I will feel the ever so human feeling of creating something together, starting with something small and building a life together. The life I live today was given to me, I did nothing to earn it, but as my ex tells me, "say I do."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be carefull what you wish for ... you might get it and you might regret it to find out later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Thoughts prayers would be greatly appreciated.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know that lust thy neighbor is a sin ?. You have sin from the day you M you H. He doesn't deserve this. Read this link.

Listen, everyone is longing for happy & fullfilling M ... it doesn't make you a bad person wanting this but the way you try to reach it would. You have to decide and do no contact with exBF for a time being to think it through. Get a piece of paper and make two columns, one for your H and one for your exBF. Write down the positive and negative for each person. Then assign weight (how important to you) on each issues. Sum them up see who come out ahead. Be very honest to yourself.

-rh-

I echo what Redhat has told you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I knew I didn't really want to marry him, but not having a reason to say no, I accepted anyway. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't know you really need a good reason?? The bottomline here is you said yes, and with that yes you signed a contract between yourself, your husband and God. Now, because you "Don't Feel in Love" you want to break that contract. One must think hard about what you want to do to your life and the life of you H.

Your H is doing what he knows to love you and support you, and because you don't "FEEL" love you are willing to through it all away.

Someone out there, is this selfishness???

Read His needs Her Needs, have your H read it also. Together with both of you working on this you should be able to find love.

Don't be fooled into thinking the grass is greener with someone else. They just have thier own set of problems and issues. You know where you stand, you know your H loves you, you are way ahead of most folks here. Don't lose it!

The life I live today was given to me, I did nothing to earn it, but as my ex tells me, "say I do."

When I read this line I see that he is calling you a parasite! And this from the man who you are thinking of running away and giving your heart to?

Well Doctor, I am only a surgical nurse, but after carefully reading your post several times, My diagnosis of this character is that he is a malignancy upon your marriage. You are the expert on malignancies , so what do you normally suggest as a course of treatment. My wife, who is the head of our local emergency medicine dept, after reading your post, agrees with my diagnosis. We urge you to consider the dire prognosis if immediate corrective action isn’t taken. Correct me if I am mistaken Doctor, but aren’t malignancies parasitic? Can your marriage or your conscience afford to delay emergent radical surgery to remove this phagosytic affliction.

Consider the prognosis when following the regimen you are contemplating. What are you going to be in his life? Support in building his success? Then what? Replaced by someone who can be trusted not to abandon a boring marriage just to gain a little excitement? Did you not state that this relationship has a history of failure. What has changed during the last eight years. Is he not the same person with whom you could not build a healthy relationship. Re-examine the symptoms which lead to the failure, they still exist. Any physician who chooses to ignore clinical proof of a diagnosis when prescribing treatment bears a terrible guilt.

Old flames have a tendency to cause a spark to fly don’t they. I occasionally think of Diane with a pang in my heart, and I haven’t seen her since 1965. Yeah, I loved her like no other, but it was not meant to be. Am I ever glad of that! My life has not been a thrill a minute, but it has been wonderfully happy. Why? Because I decided that it would be, and set about making it that way. Of course I had a soul mate who worked side by side with me to make our life joyous. You have one standing on the sidelines unaware that you are contemplating exacerbating a malignancy. Where would I be if I were still betting on a loosing relationship? I no longer even for one second need to consider alternatives. I have examined them all and rejected them.

Can you honestly list the character assets and liabilities that each of you would bring into this relationship? Can you set aside your emotions and clinically analyze them well enough to accurately categorize them? You are trained well enough to realize that appearances can lead you to a fatally incorrect diagnosis. Even when it disagrees with everything your heart says, YOU Doctor know the proper course of action to take.

Read and apply all the basic concepts. Then come here and scream, cry, curse, throw things, and generally vent. It will help to build up antibodies. BUT FIRST THE SURGERY. That is part of the healing process when you have been diagnosed with heartaches.

Agape. fudd.

Hopefully you don't have children aboard your looney toon spaceship. The fact is that you been having an emotional affair with your ex during your whole marriage. The marriage never really got the chance to evolve into a more loving relationship because of your continued presence of your ex. Your husband does not deserve to be treated in this manner. He married you in good faith. Unfortunately, you did not. Now you should be completely honest with him
that you are involved in an EA and that you have been contemplating divorcing him. He should be given a chance to deal with it by either going to marriage counselling with you to see if the marriage can be salvaged or to accept that you don't love him and that you want to be with the other man. You owe him that respect.

What a wonderful website and terrific support system. I have posted this message on two different threads and have received some really insightful advice. I feel invigorated and ready to give my marriage a chance. I am thinking about writing ex-boyfriend an e-mail and asking him to please stay out of my life and my marriage. As I stated in my post above, I was happy with my marriage before ex-boyfriend came into the picture and I want it to return to this and better. As I was reminded, I have made a commitment to my H in front of our family, friends and God and I want to stay true to those vows...Forever. Thank you to everyone for making me reflect on what I could have lost. I am especially grateful to all who responded because I could not talk about these feelings to any of my friends or family (in all reality, this has been my only outlet). The forums here have made me see that the people who come here really want their marriages to work out and want the marriages of others to work out too. When I first came here, I didn't know what to expect, I thought some would even say to follow my heart and leave my husband for the man I think is my soul mate. I am glad I did not get these suggestions here. Thanks again for everything.
Laci