Hi everyone!
As you see I finally logged in on my own name!

I know I am unable to change Randys feelings, I am getting so frustrated on how he still dwells over her and not putting any of that energy into me and or our marriage! I see him mooping around all day feeling sorry for himself and I feel that he just does not care! I keep receiving cross messages from him! Especially at night, if you all know what I mean! I feel like I am being used!
One minute he tells me to seek a lawyer, then he says he wants to save the marriage. Meantime, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I still feel like I am living in the shadows of the OW! I know one of you mentioned that I am not! But he asking me if We fell out of love with each other? I myself for one thing, did not! He keeps on forgetting that I was the one that had to hold him up during the job loses and had to deal with a pregnancy and a new child when all of this was going on! I feel that he became numb towards me and associated me with the misery that he felt during thoses times! But what is unfair and I get upset over this, is how come she gets him when he is feeling great? I should have been there! If you all go back to Randys last posting, I wrote in sum,what happened to our relationship! I really hope you all will read it becasue I think, this there is many answers that lie in there that we cannot see! Maybe some of you can see it!

I also wanted to share that I feel so bleep'n ugly! I know I am not! I just feel like an old pair of jeans that seen its day! I am not about to make a drastic appearence change! I think I am fine the way I am! But when he looks at me I don't feel pretty or anything! The look I used to see in his eyes when he looked at me is gone! He likes reds and blondes! I have light chestnut colored hair with purchased highlights. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And if I change my hair color, I would look ridculous! Been there done that! And man, the results were horrifying!I think I am pretty self confident. But it lacks when I am around him now!
Are these feeling normal? I guess I was in fantasy land thinking that he thought of me so highly!
I feel that he does not want to change and I am afraid because I am not sure he wants the help! Could he be comfortable feeling the way he is?? Maybe feeling this way, he can still feel connected to his old job and her! Why do I have to pick up all these pieces? I can't even function!
We now have a special needs child that definitely senses what is going on between us! I don't want him to see Randy mope around the house feeling sorry for himself! NOT HEALTHY!
Do you all really get the impression that he is sorry for hurting me??? I feel that he is just saying that so he doesn't get "harsh" replies from you all! Because he is not showing me in anyway that he is!
I completely understand that he is upset about his job loss! I know he is upset that he screwed up! So he knows all the warning signs hopefully he will grow out of this experience!
Just babbling again! I am not thinking clearly and I have a hard time seeing him this way! But I get very angry about that bleep'n "ho bag" he is still mooping(sp) around over! What is he moping over???? If this was me that had the A, I would do everything possible to make it right again between us. Rekindle the feelings that was lost! But you know, my feelings never went away!
Ali
ps, how do you us the mc on mb?????

Ali...hi and your feelings are so very typical of a BS...don't fret. What you should do, is work on gaining back the self-confidence that was lost due to Randy's A...I can sympathize and empathize with you as I've been there and done that. Now, my advice to you is....do not change YOU. You see, what I have learned through this entire ordeal is that the A is a product of something that my spouse lacked....nothing that I lacked. When I realized this, just recently believe it or not, I was able to recognize that the problem lies with him. Randy is what you call "selfish" at the moment. Now don't get me wrong, Randy can be a great guy, but when a spouse is embroiled in an affair, well, it is like a child in a candy store; everything is wonderful, everything is perfect, everything is a fantasy....they are as this site calls it, in a fog. Personally, I think they have their heads up somewhere it shouldn't be, but we will not go there. You see, you will go up, you will go down, but most of all, you will need to recognize the ups and downs. Randy will have to snap out of it, but Jesus, he truly needs to stop moping about the other woman. He, of all people should know, affairs are born out of deceit....what is the use of fretting over something so sinister, evil and demeaning. Get yourself back together...you sound dear and lovely; don't allow this to bring you down. I know, as I was in your spot and remain so. However, I have learned that, whatever you say, do, try to accomplish, unless they are ready to meet you half way, you will be courting frustration and disaster. It is truly a waiting game, once the A is over, but Randy must play his role as well; he needs to put the past behind him and work on restoring your marriage and planning your future. Leave your hair chestnut colored, do not change...he fell in love with you that way. In an A, selfishness has no bounds. His needs are being met, but in reality Ali...they are just fantasy needs. The thought is horrible, but it is true. Like my counselor stated, which I laughed uncontrollably....even fantasies get PMS, so watch out!!!! I recognized my self-worth and realized that he (and in your case, Randy) needs to seek your forgivness. Be all that you are and he'll realize that the longer he mopes and refuses to reintegrate into the real world, the faster you will recover. Time waits for no one Ali and Randy plays a dangerous game by not trying to move on...let him have his pity party...you go on and have a party for yourself...celebrate yourself and your strength.

Thanks Karena!
I am not sure which is easier to deal with. The loss of someone due to a death or one your love one cheats on you! The're both very difficult to deal with!
I am in the grocery store today and heard one of my favorite songs. (again) I got tears and then I got jealous! Oh these emotions! Zoloft here I come!
But seriously, I need to vent out before I put the groceries away! I am beginning to hate Sheryl Crow! I can't listen to the radio because a song is playing that I might think that if he hears the song it will remind him of her! I am not trying to torture myself! But I am!!!! I can't stand silence and kids music? I can't bare to hear it anymore when I am driving!
How long did the numbness last? I feel like I am on drugs! I know I feel pain! It is weird sometimes the numbness will come down then I am enraged! I am so angry that I scare myself! I just want to hurt him!
I am going riding this weekend or next! I need to get back into my old hobbies again! I need to loose my thoughts and just get away from it all! Gosh poopoo darn it, I NEED TO CRY and I CAN'T!

Karena, How do I work on my self confidence? I don't care what I look like to other people, I care what I look like to him! And as you already know, I feel that I am not much to him! I know I am OK! But don't get me wrong, I wouldn't jeopardize my appearence to make myself look silly or what I am uncomfortable with! I somehow attracted him to me but it is apparent that he lost interest!
Funny, others mentioned how strong I am, I don't feel it!
Well, I have to make dinner now! Again my thoughts are all over the place. I just can't seem to gather them and organize them! Sorry if I am rattling on!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ali.

I am glad to see that you have your own thread going. It is best when you can discuss things without feeling that you are imposing upon your partner. or that you are interfering with their freedom to express themself. Allow Randy to have his thread without your reading it, unless he invites you to.

I noticed that you used Randy's name and password when you last posted on your thread. That caused momentary confusion. I thought for a second that Randy was encroaching upon your thread. Love Buster for sure at this point. Just a gentle suggestion, ALWAYS use your own and leave Randy his. He doesn't need anything more to trigger his feelings at the moment.

Wanting Randy to feel you look good is natural. That can be accomplished, but first you have to feel good about yourself. Forget about a fresh paint job, try a fresh attitude.

Start today by refusing to engage in negative encounters. If the conversation is not constructive it must be destructive. End it immediately. Don't get angry, frustrated, or hurt when he wants to engage you in this kind of conversation. Those emotions only serve to enable him in his refusal to shake off the fog and grow. Understand that his initial reaction will be babble and bluster, but if you don't rise to the bait he will soon run out of steam. It is mighty hard to rant and rave when the other party simply walks away and ignores you. NEVER, raise your voice in defence or defiance.
Simply explain to him that if he wishes to engage you in conversation, he will be required to speak to with the respect you deserve.

As long as you encourage him to, he will hold on to his fantasies. As long as you give him permission to constantly bombard you with her virtues and your faults is how long he will do so. He still needs to justify his affair, and doing so requires you to bear part of the guilt. Poeple simply can"t cheat on perfect partners, so we look for imperfections. Aha, A ZIT in a place that would otherwise be cute. Darn how that mars perfection. If that is all you can find it will work.

You are what you make of yourself. Randy CAN NOT make you feel pretty or ugly unless you allow it. He can only see what you feel about yourself, and if you decide that you are a "Hotty", and BELIEVE it, that is what you will be. He will only be able to see you that way if that is all you show him. I always thought that my wife had the cutest butt on the planet. She began telling me about all the things she found wrong with it. Bad move! It took me ages to no longer see those little blemishes. See how her lack of belief in herself can efect my view of her. Radical honesty in this case? She wants me to see her as beautiful and as long as she feels beautiful, I will, because she is.

How do other people see her? Exactly as I do. When you are a hotty, you ARE a hotty. It doesn't turn of and on with a switch. You live it just like having chestnut hair. Dying it green wouldn't change you as a person. You would be a grean haired hotty.

Begin now to pamper and strengthen yourself. Turn off the crying in your beer music. Hey, you don't need it to help you cry. The crying is pitty for self, and you are no longer a person who needs pitty. Next put yourself in a hot tub of water to soak for an hour. If you are going to cry, do it before you fill the tub. Use you hour in the tub as your opportunity for a new beginning.

Take all those crying songs and lock them in the attic. List all the upbeat songs that you can remember. Find them and play only those make you feel good. Leave the radio off in the car and carry a cd player if you must hear music.

Take a part time job. Even if it only pays for daycare you will be doing something constructive, and proving to yourself that you can be independent. Regardless of the future, you need to be secure in the knowledge that should you need to, YOU can provide for the needs of your children.

Register for a summer class at the Univercity. Even one class is a beginning, and it could send a message louder than words would do. What are you qulified to do? What were your dreams and goals? Is there an honest reason that you are not pursuing those dreams today? Online classes are readily available anywhere in the world. We have students who are in the persian gulf fighting, but they are online, taking our courses. One young lady will graduate in three weeks,(B.S. Psych.) yesterday she was just outside Bahgdad.(Sp)

Maybe none of this will answer any of your needs, or it might serve to spark ideas of your own. I hope that you will get helpfull suggestions from others on the forum.

Sorry, I can't tell you about M.C. on MB. I haven't used the service, so I know nothing about it.

I'll get off the soapbox for now.

Agape. fudd.

Ali, I am a fresh bs. Well, not terribly, I have know a bit of it in the late fall and more recently. It has been devastating. I can tell you, my father's death was not nearly as hard as this was. It was sad, and there was a terrible loss, but there was no betrayal, no shame, no embarrassment about it. It was just sad.

Randy cannot "see" you right now. No matter how good you look, he can't see it. He will when his feelings change. I have lost a buch of weight(and I wasn't fat before, 117 down to 105) went from a 6 to a zero. I had my hair cut and freshly highlighted, I bought new shirts and jeans(had to, I walked out of my old ones) and *I* know I look great, I can see heads turn as I walk by. WH *sees* me now, because she is out of his head(and has gained as much weight as I have lost, sweet justice!) I *feel* good and he notices

Randy just isn't ready, it isn't you, it is him. I didn't know my wh had continued his A and when I found out, I was emotionally and mentally done. I very publicly threw him out. He was not allowed in the house, but at the same time, I wasn't being hateful to him. I hadn't read anything, it was just my instinct. It was like he had a 2x4 over his head, in 4 short days he was a new person

No, I am not over it. I am not ok, but things are good so far. An A is the worst thing that can happen barring a child's death(I cannot bear to think of that one) Not much makes me so emotionally upset as to not be able to eat. It has happened 3xs in my life and they were all due to wh. Makes you think. My thought is that he is the only person that I have had this much love for *and* done things to hurt me at the same time.

You are not alone, really you are not

Hi Ali,

Glad to see you started your own thread.

I posted a couple of times on one of Randy's when he first came here. I continue to read his, but I get frustrated with his being stuck at the moment and right now, I would not have anything constructive to say to him.

I wanted to extend a welcome to you.

Have either of you read any of the books by Dr. Harely, they are very good. I got alot out of the Surviving an Affair.

Thank you Sue with Hope!

I would like to use this site to the fullest potential but I am not sure how to use this site!
Some one had mentioned to use the MB, MC. How do I use that? I am currently reading several books. One of them I am not really fund of. To me, it justifies why people cheat! I want to rip the author a new one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I have another question too! When Randy writes to MB the anxiety of betrayal gets worse! The feelings of helplessness are just like they were when I knew he was cheating on me 1200 miles away!
I guess it is because the feelings of her keep coming up! Oh, last night he woke me up to tell me he can't stop seeing her with her new lover in his mind! Nice huh?
I sometimes want to leave but can't due to my first sons therapy in town here! My family and his family lives 2 hours away! I ask him to go several times and he refuses! I don't want to put up with his crap and the feelings of being used anymore!
But to confuse me and some of you, here is something I need advice from anyone who has kids! HELP!!!! Our youngest, he still nurses. Tomorrow he will be 13 months old. He is a bit behind and very clingy due to his operation. Doesn't eat for me and he wakes up all the time at night. I tried the cry out methood which doesn't work. He will go all night screaming! Seriously. It isn't good for him to cry more than a couple of hours said two doctors. His clinginess is putting a huge damper on our marriage because we can't talk or even have some quiet time to watch a movie or something! He was great at my mom's but terrible with me! Anyone have suggestions?????? No, to the cry out methood! Any other ideas???
Ali!

Ali, my heart goes out to you. You and Randy have so much to overcome. All I can suggest is that you devote whatever time you need to the welfare of your baby. I know it's hard to find time to talk about what you need for your marriage to work. And Lord knows you two need some time to work this out. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better! Try to have someone take care of kids for a weekend (relatives) or even just for a day and talk things out and have some quiet time together.

Please remember, this is so new and you are not feeling anything that others on this board have not felt before. It takes so much longer to be able to trust again and I commend you for being willing to try.

Try to get Randy to go to a doctor for anti-depressants. As long as he is in this state, he is not capable of making logical decisions.

Ali, you are going to need a lot of patience to make this work. If you truly want to save your marriage it's going to take longer and it won't be pleasant, but it can be done. Unfortunately, you cannot do it by yourself. Randy has to cooperate...and want to save the marriage too. I can only hope that he wakes up before you decide you've had enough.

Keep posting and reading. It really will help.