I am not feeling at all well today and I have to take my employees for their holiday lunch at noon. Do you know how hard it is for me to smile and be cheery to these folks when I don't feel it. I am very depressed. I spoke with my spouse last night. I made the mistake by asking him if he wants to stay with me now. His response was hurtful. He says there are days he can't stand to look at me. He feels bad when I try to hold him because he does not want me near him. He says he loves me because I am family. I could not sleep after what was said. In fact, I am about really exhausted now. I dressed up today to try and make myself feel better and to not let on to my employees how I am really feeling. I thought about alot things last night. How could I ever make love to my spouse again knowing that he can't stand the sight of me. I even thought about getting all my business in order so by the time my youngest daughter(who is 13 yrs)graduates high school, I can end my time here. I have seen the movie "Night Mother" and watched how the character planned her exit even right up to the clean up process of her remains. I have seen the movie several years ago and it has remained in my mind since. I am getting to the point where I am not as afraid of letting go as I used to be. In fact it's kind of a relief. I know there are those who look at this as a cowards way out, but I have caused alot of problems in my marriage, in my life and I don't know what I can do anymore to make it right. My depression does get the best of me. Don't worry, I haven't stop fighting for my life, but it's getting tougher to find reasons to survive and at this point, not even my kids or grandkids are reasons enough. I have never had any luck with men other than to let them use me and of course I let them. My own stepfather even took advantage of me when I was a kid and I let him. What does that say of my character? <BR>I am so sorry. I don't mean to be a pity-pat. I am just so hurt and angry. However, thank you all for listening to me. This is my last day before I began my vacation for the holidays. I don't know if I can be in the same house with my spouse(he's on vacation too) knowing how he feels about me.<BR>I need an angel right now. I am about ready to cry. My love to you all. I hope you all have a good holiday.

sobeit,<P>You aren't being a pity pat. You have many reasons to feel anger, hurt, depressed, etc. I think that now is the time to seek professional help for your depression. About 3 months ago, I was in the deepest darkest depression that I can remember. I had no energy, was past the point of crying, felt like a horrible wife, mother, co-worker, person. I did not think that there was any way I would be able to leave the dark abyss that had surrounded me. My life seemed worthless. It took nearly losing my job because I couldn't concentrate or remember anything to get me to go to my doctor. He started me on meds, Wellbutrin, and reffered me to a psychistrist to supervise the meds. I was very doubtful that this was going to work. After 2 weeks, there was still no difference. This in turn made me more depressed. I felt that there really was no way to feel good again. After about 5 weeks, I began seeing differences. I was following through was I started a task, I had more energy, and I didn't feel as hopeless about everything.<P>As far as the comment <BR>quote<BR>"I've never had any luck with men other than to let them use me and of course I do. My own stepfather even took advantage of me when I was a kid and I let him. What does that say of my character?"<P>I really wish I were there to hug you and cry with you. You DID NOT just let your stepfather take advantage of you. In fact you state it when you say, take advantage of me. As a child, you ARE NOT accountable for an adult using you sexually, or any other abuse for that matter. Nothing you did led to him taking advantage of you. <P>I was molested as a child from the ages 3-6. I still have many problems because of it. The one thing that counselors are adamant about is not blaming yourself. And they are right. Until you can place the blame on the person who perpetrated the act, your stepfather, it is very difficult to move forward. I want to tell you right now, your stepfather is solely to blame for what he did. You do not need to feel guilty for any of his actions. Please try to quit blaming yourself. Your beating yourself up needlessly! <P>From the conversations that I've had with different psychological proffesionals, children who are molested often end up acting out negatively sexually as adults. Examples are, sleeping with many partners, difficulty being monogamous, experimenting with sexuality. These are just the ones I remember. I want to let you know, that sexual abuse leads to many areas of life being affected. Is your husband aware of the abuse? Are either of you aware of the affects that childhood sexual abuse has? Have you ever seeked professional help? I also want to note, if you go to a counselor and it doesn't seem to help, you may need to find a new one. If you are taking a medication and it doesn't seem to help (after allowing it several weeks), you may need to try a new one. It takes years, maybe a lifetime of recovery, when dealing with sexual abuse. <P>I think you may be dealing with two separate issues. 1. The sexual abuse and the affects it's had on your life, i.e. acting out sexually. 2. Dealing with marriage issues. They are separate, but become intertwined.<P>My prayers and thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted on how you are. I pray that a guardian angel will be with you (if there isn't already one).

First thing, he's being a jerk under the guise of "truth". It doesn't even mean he really thinks that, he's intent on putting distance between you. My H said very hurtful things to me when he was at his worst and now either doesn't remember saying them, denies saying them or is horribly remorseful.<P>You didn't cause all of this and you can't control his behavior, so letting go of the illusion that there is anything you can do, other than not lovebust, is okay.<P>If you aren't in counseling, get there. It doesn't matter if your H goes or not. You go. I agree with Moving Forward and the meds. Paxil helped me immensely to deal with my situation. I'm on Zoloft now, and it's okay as well.<P>I don't know if it is possible for you, but just for the holiday lunch, can you drop all your problems and just be you? Take a mental break from your problems. Answer "how ARE you?" with "GREAT!" and a smile. I know that some days I can do that, and some I can't, but I have found the mental break to be good, if I can.<P>God bless.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Dear Moving Forward/Lor: Thank you very much for your much needed kindness, listening ear and advice. I am in a bad place right now and I am struggling to keep my head above water. My brain feels like it's drowning in water that I can physically feel the pressure. I will take your(Lor)advice and try to let go of my problems during our luncheon. As far as the counseling goes, I have been to numerous counselors throughout for the past 20plus years. I can't even count how many I have been to. I have been on medication as well. At one point, I was on 3 meds at one time. I have given up on the counseling medium as well. Last night, I even told God that I didn't need him/her anymore. I just wanted him to be there for my family. I felt so alone. I am fighting to get through this and thanks to both of you and others here, you are giving me that swift kick in the butt to wake me up to the possibilities of life. I just can't give up even though I am ready to. My love and thanks to you both and all the other kind people who have been there for me. And Moving Forward, Thanks for the spiritual hug.

Sobeit - You can't give up on you. I haven't. <P>I've told you before and I'll say it as many times as it takes, you're a wonderful person, a good mother, a good friend. <P>You are worth so much to so many people. I do wish you could recognize that and see it in yourself.<P>I know how badly it hurts to hear the things he says. They're not unlike the things my H said to me when this whole mess started.<P>Do me a favor. Take a break. Enjoy the holidays with your family. Don't pressure yourself to be perfect, don't pressure your H, even inside your own mind, to love you as you need and deserve to be loved right now.<P>He did say he loves you like family. So enjoy that family thing. Don't expect anything more and enjoy that.<P>We love you. Take care of yourself.<P>Lori

Have a pity party anytime you want. We are all friends here - and it's easier to vent and feel pity here than in front of family. I know what you mean about putting on a smile in front of others. My brother really wanted me to help him do some X-mas shopping today, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to make him feel bad and I know he only wants to help, but I just am not full of holiday cheer. I told him of my latest discovery and he seemed to understand although I still felt like I was letting him down. <BR>My H only feels bitterness and anger towards me and it is hard for me to imagine right now that he will ever love me again, but I have to remember that it is the hurt in him talking and saying those hurtful things to me. Sometimes we get down and forget what we are fighting for, but take a deep breath and get through work today. I'll be praying for you.

Lostva/Studentwife: Thank you ever so much for your kind words. I will keep going and do my best to smile for my kids at least. I don't want the holiday to be a sad one for them. I am getting ready to leave work in a few minutes and I am really dreading it. Maybe I can find something to occupy my time. My love to you both and a wish for you to have a good holiday.

sobeit -- Don't worry, you can have a "pity party" here anytime you want. I have certainly had a few. I really can emphathize with you about the luncheon. This has been so very hard on me and I have to go to work each day and deal with the problems my people have. The problems all seem so petty when I compare them with what I am dealing with. You do have to find a way to get your problems out of your mind for the luncheon. You will have a negative impact on the people there and it won't be an enjoyable experience for them. I know, believe me, I know how you feel, but you <B>have</B> to find some way to concentrate on the luncheon.<P><BR>Hugs and good luck....<P>--DeWayne--