i have been reading a lot of info. on this site recently. my history: 32, married 11 yrs., 2 children - girl age 10, girl age 4, spouse 32. w and i discussed possible job transfer to another state in oct. of 2002. she was supportive, in fact encouraged me to apply for transfer. i got the job and my co. set move date for 2-1-03. sometime in jan. of this yr. discovered e-mail written by ws to op saying she loved him. i confronted her & she said it was only ea(turned out she was lying, it was pa), not pa. i moved out of state in feb. and w and kids stayed. we discussed separating for awhile and she did not know if she would move or not. i discovered on 4-18-03 (our 11 yr anniversary) evidence of 4 pa(1 with family friend, 2 unknowns, 1 guy she was emailing that she has known since high school) since we have been married. our youngest daughter may not even be mine. i confronted ws about multiple a and she admitted them said it was over with the most recent in march. w said she didn't want to be with him, but still does not whether she will move or not. we have seen a marriage counselor several times and she goes to individual counseling once a week. i have seen a psychiatrist and he has me on meds for anxiety & depression. i am having a hard time coping right now with everything. i don't want to lose my family, but i don't know how to ever trust my w again. i am so confused about what i didn't do that would have caused her to do this. i have been faithful our entire marriage. i only see my children every 2 or 3 weekends and that alone is killing me inside. ws and i talk, but it seems when the subject of what actually caused the problems - the walls go up and she gets defensive or hangs up on me. i forwarded her a copy of poja to read and said we should agree to start it. i have trouble concentrating at work, have trouble sleeping, stomach in knots(even with the meds) and i feel like my life is out of control. i want to do a dna test to find out if youngest daughter is really mine - w wrote that one of her lover's was her father. how can i get past that if it is true? do i have the right to know? how can i trust anything ws tells me ever again. i am always wondering now what she is doing, who she is with, etc. i travel with my job so there have been plenty of opportunities for affairs on her part - how do i know that there are not more than 4? does that many show a pattern in her that can never change? some days i want to end it & get on with my life, try to take the children from her for the pain she has caused me and other times i just want us to be back together as a family. any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. my therapist is booked up so i cannot get in to talk to someone about this for almost a month. i am at a loss and thought this would never happen to me.

I am sorry for the pain you are in. Fortunately or unfortunately, your reactions are entirely normal. It may be possible to "save" your marriage, though it will more likely be a complete re-creation from the ground up. You did not "cause" her affairs. You probably contributed to the conditions in your marriage that left her vulnerable to an affair, but even that is not certain. It IS important to find out why she did what she did, IMO, but at this point she may not even know. To get started on the path to recovery, click on the link in my signature line.

Your story is hearbreaking and so many of us have been here. You've made the first step in healing, but seeking the advice of others. Unfortunately, everything you are experiencing is most common amongst us betrayed spouses...but always remember, the faults are with your spouse and not you. This is probably going to be one of the most difficult times in your life....no pain compares to this. As a BS who is nearly 7 months past D-Day, there is nothing that seems farther from possibility than recovery. Yet, it does happen. Unfortunately, it will happen when you are ready to let it happen. As I am speaking for myself, I would not pursue the DNA testing as of yet. You MUST get over this and get strong before you start to deal with another hurdle in your life. You will experience many ups and downs and will do so, even after you start to recover yourself. I wrote a little blurb about happiness and how to obtain, especially during such a tumultous time. Yet, the most important aspect of your life right now is you, and healing you. Surround yourself with loving people who do not dwell on the negative, but steer you towards achieving positiveness in your life. Stay away from the "commiserators", as the old adage, misery loves company is not what is needed in our situations. You need the motivation to propel you forward to heal your wounded heart, but most importantly to heal your mind. I know this sounds like a bit of an infommercial, but unfortunately, it is the only way to recover. Log in faithfully and listen to how others handle this, you will find comfort in their stories and in their motivation to end the pain. It is absolutely amazing how you see people transform, in front of your eyes....whether you believe this now, you do heal...it takes time. My prayers are with you, and think of yourself first...with this, you will be able to grow personally and spiritually.

Good Luck.

I definitely feel sorry for you!
I can't give a whole lot of advice because my husbands afair is so soon and I can't think straight! And I am trying to deal with my own issues.
But funny, my husband was the one who left out of state to Texas while I stayed at home with 2 small kids. And he met this OW at work and had a fling while I was 1200 miles away and couldn't do a thing about it! Very frustating knowing that your S is cheating on you and you are basically helpless! Although I hired a PI! It cost me a heafty $1000 bucks but man was it worth it!
I wish you all the best. I know what it is like to be in love with someone and you are not getting anything in return! It hurts bad!
I wish I could help! Keep in tune. This group is WONDERFUL and has a lot of insite! I hope it helps! My prayers are out for you!
Ali