I found out on Valentines day that "our relationship is in trouble" I was, of course completely oblivious to this and thought that he was "depressed". Then a few days later I found out that there is another woman. A co-worker who "has all his interests in common and his childhood memories as well" (Which of course I don't) We have had a ten year relationship. This is the last man in the world I would have ever dreamed would step outside of our relationship. He claims and I believe that there was not any sexual contact between them but they were "falling in love" He actually left our home, kissed me goodbye and met her for a day in another state. The attraction is supposedly over and he wants to work at our relationship b/c he loves me "on some level" (Still haven't figured that statement out) He continues to trot off to work every day to work side by side in a small office with this woman. (who by the way is his boss) He has started individual counseling and repeatedly says he is trying but is just very confused. I personally don't see much motivation from him. I have studied and read everything that I could get my hands on. I have shared ideas and thoughts. Our communication has improved 200% from where we were a few months ago. I just don't see the effort or the compassion for my feelings in all of this. He has told me that he will NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES give up his friendship with the OW. Because of course, they are now only friends. I am screaming inside and so very confused. I love this man dearly. I thought we were working together to build a life. I feel as though I have lost all control and I need to wait for him to make up his mind if we suceed or fail. I just need some support and encouragement. I feel very alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi!

Welcome to MB! You have come to the right place to help sort all of this out. If you don't mind, can I make one suggestion? Although your topic fits well here, you might want to re-post under Emotional Needs. I believe that topic gets a lot more traffic, and your situation would fit well there, too.

I don't have any experience with what you are going through so I am reluctant to offer advice. My immediate thought would be to launch into Plan A. See if he will fill out the EN worksheets.

Having said that, I'm sure you will get responses from others who have been in your shoes. The will probably be able to offer better advice than I can.

Good luck. You will meet many wonderful, supportive and wise people here. I would re-post under Emotional Needs, though, because you will probably get more responses.

Tanya

I have had experience withthis issue, because my wife had a few emotional affiars before her physical affair. For more on emotional affairs, click on: Emotional infidelity The path to recovery is the same for a physical and an emotional affir. It is outlined in the link in my signature line. You are completely justified in feeling as you do about their continued contact. Eventually, that will have to end, or it will destroy your marriage. you aren't there yet, and he is not ready to listen, but click on the link below for more info.

OK Wisper3:

My wife also works with her past lover. He is a contractor and they got things going while on Buisness meetings. They must talk shop during the week. Quitting is not an option yet.

First, your husband is in the "fog" and will not commit to no contact with her as he still has the both of you this way. I would even think she may have him by the balls ( sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and could fire him?

So while I cringed every time my wife travelled with her lover together, I was asked why I could not put this little mess aside. Then it dawn on me. How can I forget about it when every other week, he is part of the conversation. Furthermore, it did make me feel better (for a change) when she agreed to at least write him a letter saying, no contact other than when absolutly needed. But mind you, it took 1.5 years to get this letter written.

Granted, they are friends, but I would ask, whats more important, my wife (as in you), or a friend.

Good luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has told me that he will NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES give up his friendship with the OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And under what circumstances is he willing to give up his Wife???? It sounds as if he's not too concerned about that possibilty. JMHO

I'm sorry, I know that isn't very encouraging and that is what you asked for. I am not the best one to reply to those who are dealing with a WS who shows little to no remorse and just seems to expect the BS to live with continuing contact and the desire to keep a past "lover" (within the marriage period) as a friend.

Now to try to be encouraging...many couples have been able to deal with this since so many affairs do take place in the work environment and even after d-day...bills still have to be paid and kids still have to eat.

I think it can work IF the WS is willing to set some firm boundaries with the co-worker, give their spouse honesty and truth so that they can reclaim a sense of security. However...I also believe this extends the healing process for the BS and the marriage.

Good Luck!

Wifey, you are 1000% correct with your last line!