Why am I even bothering? I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a “friend” at work. We all work for the same company- H & OW used to work in the same department but now are in different ones. To cut a long story short, we had a baby boy last May. He was premature and a very difficult baby and, I fully admit, most of my time was spent looking after him and neglecting my H & our marriage. The upshot was that H was very unhappy, didn’t bother to tell me that he considered the marriage was over (until 3 days before Christmas) and for 4 and a half months had this affair with OW. From January, until I discovered it in March, he just said that he wanted to leave but that no one else was involved- he acted all proud that he had never cheated on me.

As soon as I found out the truth (we had a couple of weeks where he lied and said he’d just had a couple of one night stands) he changed his tune and insisted we could be happy, would break off contact with OW etc etc.

So why am I still so unhappy? H won’t talk about it. As far as he is concerned, we should be concentrating on the positives and aren’t strong enough as a couple to dwell on the negatives in the past. I don’t feel positive. H is doing all the right things, but I just feel so down. I can’t express how much I don’t want to be married to a cheat and a liar. I can’t express how much I don’t want Connor to have a father who is a cheat and a liar. Part of the problem is that I’m the result of an affair with a married man who had two very young kids. I was given up for adoption, but I hate my origins and I can’t believe I’ve married a man who would turn out to be the same kind of person as my natural father. It was, without exaggeration, the worst thing my H could have done to me.

H‘s attitude to everything is “get over it”. It’s all around me so how am I supposed to? I see (but ignore) OW at work every few days. I walk past hotels where they spent nights together every few days. OW is busy telling people at work what a b**** I am because I’ve banned H from seeing her even though they’re just friends (and I’m not “allowed” to tell the truth as it would spread across the company- I don’t want that, but I don’t want lies about me either!!) H is actively lying to people about the affair. I don’t want him to volunteer it, but all the blame for the marriage breakdown is being put at my feet and he’s giving this false picture.

I feel so down. I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this. I keep telling myself to give it time, that I can’t expect too much in 6 weeks. He is obviously trying, so why don’t I feel more? The first week or so after I found out and H started making a real effort I felt positive and happier than I had been for months (he made my life a living hell during the whole affair period), but that hasn’t lasted and I just feel more and more down each day. It’s as if I’ve lost the whole dream that I had of the two of us together and as a family with Connor and I know I’ll never get it back.

Any thoughts would be most welcome…

Hi Bonnie- keep reading here. Its all about choice- you do get to choose from here on out. You can make new memories and create new dreams together. or not! You have alot to go thru yet-so many choices were taken away from you- we can all relate to shattered lives but you can read all over at MB about surviving! Try to relax-the hardest part but necessary. patience-you'll need more than you thought possible but you can find it. forgiveness- everyday- for yourself and your H. choose your battles carefully- but do set boundaries- no contact is essential and I can see will be hard to get-answers to your questions are essential-but be careful what you ask for! Many details are just painful-but some are necessary. Remorse-out of the fog empathy-takes a WS AWHILE to show that-this is a humbling experience for everyone. If you have someone live to talk to that is very good-talking helps-choose carefully who you confide in. Time- this process takes alot of time......and more patience...walk away when you can't stand it- read-write- you will find a place to gather yourself and chances are better than not that tomorrow will come and give you 24 more hours to have a better day. prayer is ever powerful-for peace and direction.

a primer to get you started:

http://www.findarticles.com/cf_0/m1...e.jhtml?term=infidelity+psychology+today

and what I read EVERYDAY:

Desiderada
"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;

They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

Many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the council of the years,

Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a healthy discipline,

Be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here,

and whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

Whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy."

Written by: Max Erhmann

Bonnie, you are unhappy because the path to recovery is pretty narrow and you are not on it. It is a path that must be walked together. He is not yet willing to take those steps. YOU can recover from the affair alone, but for YOUR MARRIAGE to recover, you have to recover together. Just "getting over it" does not qualify. You may not be "strong enough as a couple to dwell on the negatives in the past", but you do need to find a way to FIX THEM!!! It is extraordinarily difficult to fix things if you don't at least look at them. He may just be trying to avoid responsibility for his actions, but that word "dwell" makes me at least consider another possibility. Perhaps it is not dealing with the issues of the past that is the problem for him. Perhaps it is the WAY the two of you deal with those problems. I know, as a BS, that it was really hard not to emotionally beat my W with the affair. That said, there is not pain-free way to recover from an affair if you want a "real" recovery.

For the least painful (HAH!) recovery path I know, click on the link in my signature line.

Hi Bonnie,
You already know you don't have to save it if you don't want to do so. The people that come here to the MB website are the ones that know they can walk away if they want to, but they choose to work on their M.

I don't know how much you have read of the links that John refered you to, but here's a good one on what plan A is for. Pay especially good attention to what Cerri says about telling everyone about the A.
cerri on plan A

I don't know if there is anything we can do to make the pain go away right now, but we care.

SS