I am getting married on 10/18/03. I received by fed-ex a letter from a girl who said that she gave birth to my fiance's daughter 10 months ago (which was before my time). I have been with him for 7 years, but we were broken up for 1 year (this is when that child was conceived) When I confronted him with this he said that he was going to tell me before we got married. The girl said that he has had no contact with her. What should I do?

You need to move careful. I'm not saying at this point to "dump the guy", but you do need to discover why he wasn't upfront with you about his being a father and having responsiblity in this area of his life. You also need to discover why he isn't a part of his child's life, that does NOT speak well of him.

I'd question why this girl brought this to your attention when </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has had no contact with her</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, this is a red flag, but of what kind I am uncertain.

If your marriage date is near, I'd put it off for a bit to work on these issues BEFORE you get married, not after. If you find that he's got a basic streak of being dishonest about really important things which do effect your future, if he's a dyed in the wool conflict avoider, if he feels no responsiblity to children which he helps bring into the world...I'd think long and hard if this is the type of person you want to join your life with. JMHO

Good Luck!

If it were me I would definitely back out. There are major character issues here, dishonesty, avoidance of responsibility.

If you go into the marriage with ANY questions of trustworthiness, the marriage will in all likelihood fail. I saw some red flags before I got married, ignored them, and am paying a huge price.

Tell you before you got married? Like when? This child will have a major impact on your life, financially if nothing else. You had a right to know before you ever accepted his proposal. I know how hard it is, but I strongly urge you to not go through with this.

I am just confused! He assures me that everything is on the table and he is releived. He told me that he wants to go to the courts and ask for DNA and if it is his, he wants to provide finacial support only, because he asked the girl not to have the baby

You should be confused and until the confusion is cleared, be careful. As for going to court, that is a good idea. You need to know BEFORE the wedding if he has this long term commitment to another (his child). You need to make informed choices.

And while men often only offer finicial support to their "outside" children, that is NOT all that the child is entailed to. JMHO This child, if his, deserves a father in his/her life and that includes emotional support as well as just throwing money.

Your SO has known about this child for over a year...and he hasn't informed you...that is the main issue here. If he feels he has the right to withhold information from you about this before the wedding, what will he feel about other things which are not so major?

If your marriage isn't based on honesty, love, respect...it's got little chance of being successful. Beware, there is a problem here.

the toughest thing about this whole thing is....i have a 3 month old baby! he is a terrific father to him. He also has a 13 year old, that he has custody of that lives w/us

You're correct, your having a child makes a big impact on this. It's possible that while you were PG he was "putting things off" not wanting to discuss the fact that he had another child by another woman during the beginning of your own PG.

But the question begs to be answered...why didn't he tell you BEFORE you became PG that this woman who he had a relationship with while the two of you were not together? He had, at the least, two months before you became PG to tell you about her PG. He did NOT allow you to make an informed decision about having a child with him which will be a half sister/brother to his other child.

Now, the question is...did he know himself before you became PG that this woman was PG? IF...a BIG "if"...he didn't know, I can to some SMALL degree understand why this might have been very difficult for him to come to you and tell you that this woman was also PG...however...this points to his being willing to lie, be evasive or misdirecting, when faced with a crisis which may effect what he feels he wants, without taking into consideration YOUR feelings and thougths. He left you "out of the loop" as to what was happening...this is NEVER good.

Learning to face issues TOGETHER and being honest about them is one of the foundation blocks of a marriage. A marriage is a partnership where both partners know what is going on.

Now your SO did NOT betray you during the time he was with this woman (and she was not an OW) because it was during an agreed upon ending of your relationship prior to his relationship with her. But...after the two of you choose to resume your relationship, then you had a right to discover any aspect of his relationship with another person which is going to impact your future. He did NOT tell you...there is NO excuse!

Hopefully, he isn't basically flawed in being dishonest. If he's a conflict avoider, then if he chooses to make a change, then this is possible. But he must be willing to change, he must be willing to share his WHOLE life with you, not just those carefully editted parts.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by helpless33:
<strong>the toughest thing about this whole thing is....i have a 3 month old baby! he is a terrific father to him. He also has a 13 year old, that he has custody of that lives w/us</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">who is the father to your 3 months boy ?. You have stated you have 7 years R with this man. Does this mean that he has OC and you has one too ?.

-rh-

the 3 month old is our child togehter...we broke up for a year and a few months, thats when he conceived this other child...then we got back 2gether