Although I am not new here, DDay was 10/13/02...

I know that I am recovering, albeit slowly. Last night, my WS shows up to take my son to sign up for T-ball. He asked me to go and I did. However, he was a bit late, when I called him, I checked his voice mail. Lo and behold, guess who was on there...yep, the OW. Anyway....

To make a long story short. We bickered a very little bit; me ignoring him most of the time. After that, I had him drop us off and asked hiim to leave. I felt, after he left, that I did a great deal of LB'ing, so I called him back. I swear, God is on my side. When I called, his off-the-wall phone started ringing numbers. The next voice mail, knocked me out....while he is asking me to join him for a week in N.C., she states the following:

"Hi Hon, it's me...I'm sitting here listening to the new CD you bought on Saturday (he was with me on Saturday and bought the CD). Listen Hon, I left you two messages on your voice mail at work. The first one you receive, you will be relieved. I am giving you two weeks to make up your mind. I hope you have a good time on your trip. I hope that t-ball went well. I miss you and love you and cannot wait to talk to you." Love ya....

I was not crushed, but disappointed. Just when I thought that he was trying to come back, I hear this. Now, some may think that this was a set-up by her...if he told her it was over. But, if it was over, there would not be a time limit from her end, and how did she know about everything, if he hasn't had contact, like he proported in over two months. Help, I need support and friends right now.

I'm so sorry about his continued affair. It seems that he's planted himself squarely on that fence and is making sure to tell both you and the OW what he thinks you want to hear and what will keep you and her hanging onto the hope that there is a real future and that he's getting "rid" of the other, when in fact, he's keeping both.

It also seems that the OW is ready to set limits (the two week thingie), but don't count on her sticking by this timeframe. As long as he keeps holding out hope for the relationship with her, she's likely to keep her place in the wings.

He seems to be making sure that he's got a safety net if either of you decide you've had enough of his BS (not betrayed spouse). He's scared that he'll end up without anyone, so he's willing to take whichever one is willing to stay on the battle field the longest without him making the choice himself.

I'd be willing to bet that she hasn't a clue that he's asked you to go with him on this trip, and I'd also wouldn't be surprised that if you don't go...he'll ask her to do so. I'd be surprised if she knew you also went to T-ball last night, likely he told her it was only him and his DS.

In other words...he's lying his @$$ off to everyone who cares about him.

Wish I saw this in a different light, one which would point that he's making a real effort to go in some sort of direction, even if it might not be the one you'd like...but I don't see it. JMHO

Praying hard for you!

Kimmie,

I am so sorry to hear about this downward spiral that it feels like you are on. I read your post and then reread it again. I know the pain you are feeling and it seems like when the bleak times come on that nothing could be worse and yet they seem to just get even more bleak. I can tell you your husband is in a very lost state and as much as you want him to change and as much as you feel like you can help him it will in the end be him that has to change himself and him that has to right the wrongs. This is an awful thing he is doing to you and you know what? At the end of the day when he is left with all his thoughts he has to live with himself and I would more than bet he knows he is hurting you. I know you feel like at this point your love for him has become nothing more than a "habbit" -- that you love him but you question yourself as to even why you do even have any love for him at this point and in fact you feel like breaking the "habbit". It is truly him that has this habbit of hurting you and I know what it feels like to want to pull him out of this trance and shake him and tell him to come to his senses and look how this is not only affecting you but all the things around him. I know I feel that way with my wife a lot of times.

The OW has lost her footing and is trying to plow her way back into the fields of your husband. The problem is your husband is teetering with one foot in the gutter (OW) and one hand in Heaven (you and your family) and he struggles in his head with what is right. I think at this point he is lettting his mind overthrow what is in his heart and I wish I had an answer for you. I bet you feel as times that your husband is on drugs and you don't even know who he is anymore. Someday he will see that he is only hurting himself more and more here. It's just how much time you want to allow him to come to his senses that he does not factor in. People have limits and know when to say when "enough is enough" and I know you feel that way now. When I feel like I am at the end of my rope I dig into what I have titled my "scrap book of good mental thoughts and feelings". I run through my head only good images and experinces I have had in the past with my wife. Sometimes it makes me smile and soon I turn to tears cause I start asking myself "why can't she be who is in my mind now"? I hope one day she will return to "who she is" instead of this person that is emotionally confused hiding behind a mask. But it does help me.

I just hope things work out for the best with you and please never second guess yourself or your feelings. You know who you are and don't let this change you for the worse.

Thanks everyone, for your caring words.

I, as well as my parents, have been bombarded by phone calls from my WS. I have received 4 on my cell phone voice mail, 11 at my parents house, and three (so far) on my work voice mail. As I do not have a display phone at work, I'm forced to answer each call (cannot choose which call to answer). He caught me and I politely asked, 'Is this regarding the children'...he said, "Yes". He asked if he could pick up the kids this evening. When I responded "yes", the line went silent. I said, "6:00 p.m.". If that is all, I'm putting the phone down. He had the nerve not to call back immediately (I would know that it was him), but waited about 10 minutes. Once again, I answered. He had the nerve, oh god, imagine this nerve...to ask if he could still apply for car insurance under my parent's address. I said, "No. You cannot give up the OW, well, now you have her and use her address." He wants to live across the street in a small home that I own (which is across the street from my parents). I cannot live in the home because it is inhabitable, but, with no place to go and no money, well, he is willing. Unfortunately, I feel no pity nor any remourse for telling him no. He has not apologized about those two horrible phone calls, but he did change his cell phone number. I could care less if he gives it to me, at this point. I'm just hurt, not to mention angry, angry, angry. He sees nothing wrong with his actions. My mother, his last portal into my new life, has finally seen the light of day and recognized that my BS has become a liar, deceiver and complete jerk. She adamantly put her foot down last night, telling him not to call her house or come near her house. When he does pick up the children, we will escort them to the corner. She called him many names, no cursing, but very piercing all the same, and told hiim that he has "No one" left....the last of his family and his old life are gone forever.

Sounds like you're doing a good plan B considering the children. It's great that your mom is standing behind you. But beware...if things change and your H gets his head out of "that dark place" and you consider giving him a possible chance to show you that he's willing to make the changes needed which would allow you to even try again...your mom will still feel as she does now for a long time.

We mom's tend to hold grudges against those who have hurt our children and our grandchildren, much, much, MUCH longer then our children and grandchildren. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

His actions are on such a wide swing from one extreem to the other. Glad you've choosen to get off his swing...the rollercoater is a wild enough ride for us to deal with.

Just A Wifey....yes, I desperately needed to get myself off of the swing. I've been very busy this morning, so I haven't given a great deal of thought to last night, however, with a few minutes respite from the mayhem of my office, I reflected and realized that, well, he does not deserve me. The OW voice mails were way out of line, and instead of my WS being angry at her voice mails, he was miffed at my mother for her comments to him. Letting go is the hardest thing. Just when I felt that I was truly getting stronger everyday, my strength was tested last night. I didn't really rant, rave or cry, just signed with the resignation of it all. I'm tired of all of the how's, why's, how could you, etc. I feel quite "stupid" at times, being so gullible. I guess I love him and wanted him to love me back. Apparently, by his actions, loving me is the furthest from his mind. Knowing that he spends time with both of us, and not committing to either...well, right now, as I type this, I really do not care whether he goes to her. She stated on her message that one of his voice mails will make him feel relieved...I guess she probably thought she was pregnant. This just made me ill. I need to keep focussed and make myself the center at the moment...my children deserve happiness and stability, and if it is the last thing I do during this entire mess, it is that...give my children a happy life. If my WS feels that his OW is more important, well, then so be it...I'm over it.

Let him go.