I want to thank you for the excellent suggestion about Shirley Glass's book. I went immediately to the bookstore after reading your post 3 nights ago. I feel like I could have written this book. I feel much better after reading this. I hope my husband will read it too. I'll keep you posted. I am so grateful to the people who offer help on marriagebuilders. Knowing someone else understands and doesn't think I am silly for my feelings is a big confidence builder. I'm sure my H feels if there is no physical contact, he is not cheating. I often wondered if I was making something out of nothing. Shirley says you do not have to have physical contact to be cheating. She points out the difference between the viewpoints of men and women and I certainly identified. Thank you so much.

bmarrowt,

I'm so glad that you are feeling better!! I like that book so much and it's great that you were able to get it so quickly. Thanks for letting me know that you appreciated the tip! It means a lot. Sometimes I'm so full of ideas that I'm thinking that I might be driving someone away! God bless!

Stillwed

P.S. Crossing my fingers that your H will read it as well!

I just saw on another thread that you are a Grandma! Congratulations!

We have two grandkids now. The oldest is a girl, 4 1/2 and my kindred spirit. The other is a boy, 4 1/2 months...he's a cutie!

The sad part is that he was born the day after my H started his "exit" affair. He came home from work after expressing his affection for the OW and kissing her and we went right to the hospital for an all nighter waiting for the baby to be born. It's so hard to have those events tied together, let alone Christmas.

I'm still hanging in there though! We are recovering wonderfully, but I'm PMSing and there seem to be triggers sitting around every corner this week!

Hugs,

Stillwed

Hi Stillwed,
I'm glad to hear things are going well for you and H. I'm sorry that a wondrful time like the birth of a grandchild was marred by something so hurtful. It sounds like you have been able to move forward. Today has been a little rough. I came across some of the things I found when I cleaned out his chest and I found myself in tears. We had several good days. But the nagging feelings are just below the surface. From reading the book, I think I will not be better until I get all the answers I'm looking for. However, I find I have trouble bringing up the subject because I don't really want to rock the boat. The fact that he wrote her letters and bought her gifts upsets me and I'm not entirely sure why.
Jealousy I guess. I found among other things an empty bag from Victoria's Secret. He told me it wasn't his, but that is so lame, why would it be hidden with all the other things. If he bought her something from there, in my mind it follows that they probably slept together, I'm not ready to face that. He insists that they did not. I can't imagine that he did, yet evidence may say differently. I really want to believe that it was just a friendship, deep on his part and not more. I really believe it was no more for her. If I find out it was a physical afair, it will be harder to deal with. I am very naive. Thanks for listening again. The book is helping me understand my feelings. If you know of any other books, I'm ready to learn more.
bmarrowt

Stillwed,
I forgot, I wanted to give you my profile. We seem to have some similarities.

Me - late 40s
H - Early 50s
his "friend" - early 40s
3 kids - D26, D23, S19
1 grandchild
Married 27 years
Dday- No real Dday. It's been 18 months with several discoveries, revelations. Every time I think the discoveries are over, something else happens. He tells me I have found everything and there is no more. I no longer trust that.

We do have some similarities! We'll be married 27 years next month.

I'm sorry that you found the Victoria's Secret bag...that would truly freak me out! My self-esteem was damaged before the affairs came out...now it's even worse!

There is another tool that H and I are using to rebuild our marriage. It's called the Enneagram. There are great books out there that give you a lot of material. One our therapist likes is called The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Richard Riso by Russ Hudson. It's pretty cheap on amazon.com. A free Enneagram test can be found online at http://www.9energies.info/test/ .

The Enneagram is a detailed personality study. It's very accurate. The goal is to find your type (there are 9) and then to find your strengths and weaknesses and use the information to move to the healthiest version of your type. Of course, you can move even further than that, but it's a great start.

My H and I have found it to be really helpful in understanding where the other person is basically 'coming from'. It explains each types basic motivations. It's been really exciting for us. It's also nice to be working on some healing for the marriage that doesn't deal directly with the affairs.

The Enneagram had my husband 'pegged' so to speak! His type 4, tends to want everything but what they have....he's a tragic romantic! Is that ever true! Now he knows that when he's feeling that way he's at a low point and knows to move forward to a better place. He also realized, partly from this, that there isn't a woman out there that can fill the hole in his soul. It has to be filled with a spiritual life. It's been pretty cool!

Another favorite book of ours has been Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It's about helping each other heal the wounded child that we all carry within us. My H and I both had pretty bad childhoods. His theory is that we find each other and hook up to get these wounds healed. Very good material! There are exercises in the back that can mimic good marriage counseling, too.

Well, let me know if you run out of reading material...hehe!

Stillwed