I am currenlty having an A with a major, major coworker. I of course had no intentions and never thought I would ever do something like this. I really do not want to hurt my kids and I don't want to hurt my husband either, I haven't felt guilty, just sad. This OM tells me he just wants to have fun as he is married also and has kids of his own. He does not want to meet me outside of work, we haven't exchanged phone numbers nor e-mail addresses. He won't tell me if he has feelings for me or not but the way he acts and looks at me I can tell that he does. I know I have feelings for him and I am trying not to. This is all new to me and yes he is just probably using me but I find myself not able to stop. I don't even know if I love my H. My H tells me if I ever have an A he will leave me and take my kids. I am finally scared because I know what I have..... yet I can't seem to stop but I am having doubts about the A.....I can't quit my job and if I quit he will find out.....Please does anyone have any advice

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

s888,

Glad you find the site. Read what you can on this site. read others posts and post yourself. There are a lot of people here that have been through what you are about to go through.

For starters it is good that your situation hasn't progressed to anything more than what it is. The fact that you have come here looking for help says a lot.

OM says he just wnats to have fun....are you having fun? This isn't about what he wants it is about what you want. Stop the contact with this man.

I gaurentee you that this will go a lot easier if you stop your EA now than if you wait. It sounds like this is new and you can save you and your family a lot of pain by putting an end to it now.

I implore you to end the affair immediately. Give your husband the respect and dignity of your wedding vows. Show some integrity and self respect. If you don't want to stay in your marriage tell him so. Separate or divorce and then continue your new relationship. If you do it while your married it could very likely end your marriage. It will most certainly destroy his trust in you. Stop, think for a moment about what you really want in life.

Close your eyes and imagine the following:
Your husband is in great pain and you see him crying with tears down his face asking you why why? See yourself going through the divorce proceeding and being a single mother. See your children living half the time with your ex husband and you have to split the holidays with him.
See your married man dumping you when he is through using you because why would he want to stay permanently with a married woman who cheats on her husband? See yourself losing everything you ever deemed important in your life for a married man who cheats on his wife and of course will leave you when he gets tired and bored with you and seeks variety with others. This will be your future because you are making choices that will guarantee all of this.

You need to wake up and seek marriage counseling and understand that you are in a fog. It is a matter of time before it all comes out in the open. Would you want your children to grow up and do to their spouse what you are doing to your husband? What will you say to them when they find out and they ask you why? I am sorry to be so harsh but this will be your present and future. It is your choice how you wish to be remembered.

You have gotten a good advice. Please read TrueHeart's letter..

-rh-

S888!

OK, some common sense for you! Leave this guy! Is he worth losing your H over? Look how he treats you? You are just a toy to him! Stay at your job but avoid him as if he was a pile of doggie poop!
You and your H NEED MC! That is the first step!
I think you know the answer but you need some guidence! If you are not sure you love your H then, why do you want to stay with him. Is he there for your security? Don't do it for the kids! They will be upset knowing that Mom and Dad are not happy with each other! Think about this long and hard!
Good luck to you,
Ali

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This OM tells me he just wants to have fun as he is married also and has kids of his own. He does not want to meet me outside of work, we haven't exchanged phone numbers nor e-mail addresses. He won't tell me if he has feelings for me or not but the way he acts and looks at me I can tell that he does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It looks as if he's trying to be honest with you. He wants a sexual/flirty fling without any emotional attachment. You on the other hand have decided that you can read his mind and just know by the way he looks at you that he's lying and is becoming emotional attached.

I often tell spouse's that mind-reading is not allowed and is not to be expected...because we suck at it!!!! Look at his actions...not the way he looks at you! Listen to what he is telling you...I think he's a player, you aren't the first one and you won't be the last. jmho

Many affairs now began in the workplace, it is becoming a major expense of time, lost manhours, and lost trained employees for companies. It opens them to lawsuits and losing valuable employees...they are now becoming more aware and more pro-active in either getting rid of the "lesser" employee involved in an affair or both. You are not only risking your marriage, but your employment.

While your marriage may or may not be worth working on and saving...no marriage deserves betrayal. You are betraying your H, your marriage, your family and yourself and the vows you took. You are risking having your affair exposed to your H and your family and co-workers. You are risking being the center of gossip in your workplace. You are risking custody of your children.

All this risk...for what? A man who tells you he only wants to have fun!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by s888:
<strong> . . . This OM tells me he just wants to have fun as he is married also and has kids of his own. He does not want to meet me outside of work, we haven't exchanged phone numbers nor e-mail addresses. He won't tell me if he has feelings for me or not but the way he acts and looks at me I can tell that he does. I know I have feelings for him and I am trying not to.

. . . My H tells me if I ever have an A he will leave me and take my kids and he won't even want to hear an explanantion or anything. I am finally scared because I know what I have..... yet I can't seem to stop but I am having doubts about the A.....I can't quit my job because we need that income and right now jobs are very scarce and my H knows how much I love my job and if I quit he will find out.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, s888! You may find what I have to say to be a bit redundant, but here goes. Remember the 80's Cyndi Lauper song--"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?" My question to you is this: Are YOU having fun? It sure doesn't sound like it. In fact, it's obvious that only ONE person is having fun in this A!

Please pay attention to what is obvious. This OM has laid it on the line for you. The reason he hasn't mentioned his feelings is because he doesn't HAVE any--at least above his waistline! It's not that difficult to figure out, but you're not listening or paying attention. After the sex, he doesn't want to think about you or do anything that would connect the two of you outside the A. And, at the risk of being crude, is it possible that you have mistaken a good "Big O" for feelings? That's often the problem with these things. One partner starts to invest a great deal emotionally into this, while the other does not. Imagine, if you will that this guy goes home everyday and tells his W that he loves her and would never leave her. Meanwhile, your own spouse has made it plain that he would do do just that if he ever found out you were having an A.

I also realize that you love your job and need the income it provides. However, did it occur to you that your co-workers will find out about the affair anyway without your quitting? And, if they did find out, did it occur to you that you might be forced to resign?

Please end the A now while you can. Risking your family, dignity, and self-respect isn't worth it.

S888 if your situation was happening to a female friend of yours, what would your advise be for her? Chaces are the same wise counsel you've been given by the others here.

Understand that you are not trading up but most definetely trading down with your OM. If he truly cared about you, he would divorce his wife and wait for you to divorce your husband, before starting a relationship with you. But seeing how he is not an honorable man, does it surprise you that he views you as a cheap thrill? Even if your H is no better than the OM, you certainly do deserve better, but you will never get it from a man like the OM.

As far as your H having told you that he would divorce you if you were to have an A, he is not the only one and not the last betrayed spouse that has uttered those same words. The reality is that MOST betrayed spouses don't divorce their unfaithful spouses after the A has been discovered.

I assume (correctly, I hope) that you are here because you ultimately DO want to save your marriage, but have no idea how to go about it. Well, for starters, read everything on this website as well as reading the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' 'His Needs Her Needs' 'Love Busters' and Michelle Weiner Davis's books 'Divorce Remedy' and 'The Sex Starved Marriage'. Print out two copies of the emotional and love busters questionaires and have your husband and you fill them out to find out what are your most important emotional needs (that obviously haven't been met) and the love busters that have killed the romantic love between you and your H.

You are not the only WS(wayward spouse) that has come here for help. We have quite a few that have been in your shoes and have not only ended their A's but rebuilt their marriages as well. They can help you realize that it is indeed possible to make a better marriage than the one you have right now, IF you end your A.