My wife and I have been married 20 years and things have finally come to ahead and I am looking for advice and what next to do. About 5 months ago I became very suspicious of her behavior as she seemingly was spending 6-10 hours a day on the Internet. I decided to install a key logger and discovered that she was spending a lot of time engaged in very sexually explicit dialogs (cybersex) in a chat room with one particular person. I confronted her and she said that it is only words typed into a computer, a fantasy and she is just clowning around. She denied that it was a cyber affair. She continued to be involved in the chat room even after, but every time I asked her, she denied it.

Was I wrong to install a key logger ?

Yesterday, I confronted her again about her on-line activity and I think the truth finally came out. We mutually agreed to ask other people their opinion whether or not what she was doing was fantasy or a cybersex affair. To her surprise, a group of her own on-line chat room friends strongly stated that it was a cyber affair, is hurtful, is wrong and was not a fantasy. She was angered by their response and finally broke down and told me that she might have had some feelings for one person on-line, didn't know what they were and would have liked to meet him for a coffee in person as a friend. In anger, she said that the marriage was dead and boring, and further threatened that with all the stress of our marriage she could she herself going down a path of having a real affair. She still trys to suggest she was only clowning around and it was a fantasy.

Is her claim that this is fantasy valid ?

The marriage has rough time of late and children are involved. So I am looking for advice on what next I should do ?

I am not one to give advice, just look at my post "what a mess". But take it from one who knows about not confronting issues and getting to the root cause and dealing with it. I'd say she has a problem and if it's not dealt with will keep growing and blow up in your face. In a healthy relationship, there is no need for this behavior of hers.

To answer your question...it was both. It was an affair and it was fantasy. You can NOT have a relationship with a computer screen where there isn't a LOT of fantasy involved. She sits on her side of the screen while the other sits on his and both are portraying themselves as if in a script wrote by themselves where they become "someone else", almost all of these types of "players" tend to focus on whatever is positive in themselves, ignoring those aspects they are not pleased with...or they down right lie completely. The man behind the screen is unlikely to be the man who fits into the "role" he has cast for himself and neither is the woman. Usually, if they actually were to met in reality, the fantasy crumbles. That is the fantasy part!

The reality is that your W has betrayed you! She has entered into a cyber relationship with another where she is giving her thoughts and time over to the pursuit of self-gradifaction. She's invested her emotions into another "relationship" and has developed a hidden life, NOT a private one.

Please read on this site the articles which pertain to internet affairs. You will find these either under the home page or articles...I think! I do know they are here...so please look...and READ. They will give both you and your W a better idea of what an internet affair is and how it can damage a marriage relationship. It is NOT all fantasy! But neither is it reality.

You and your W can overcome this, but just as with any type of betrayal, there must be acceptance of responsibilty of betrayal by the betrayer, there must be changes in behavior by BOTH partners. Rebuilding is never easy, it takes WORK, patience, love, and more work. You AND your W can have a healtier, stronger, more loving and honest marriage.

Good Luck!

The path to recovery from a cyber affair is the same as the path to recovery from "real" affair (and yes, I think a cyber affair is real, and a real betrayal) However, listen to what she said about your marriage. Harley's path to recovery mostly involves working on your marriage. You have been given fair warning that your marriage is in serious trouble. Get help! Start by clicking on the link in my signature line.

JB just ask your W if the roles had been reversed, what would her impression be? I don't think it takes a genius to know the answer. Of course, all affairees don't like to call their relationships, cyber or real time, affairs because to do so is to inject the poison of reality into the fantasy. But it is absolutely necessary to expose the truth not only to the unfaithful spouse, but to those closest to the two of you. After all, if she doesn't consider what she is doing wrong, why would she object to others knowing about it? I think you also know the answer to that one as well.

I'd like to recomend that the two of you get in touch with the Harley's for telephone consultation. They are not cheap, but since you are here at this website that specializes in saving marriages, they are way cheaper than divorce lawyers. Please give them a call.

And lastly, both of you print and fill out the emotional needs and love busters questionaires. There is a link under my signature that will take you directly to them. And read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'

Keep us posted.

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

My advice is to arrange for yourself and your wife to see a marriage counsellor. Addressing the issues with a therapist will have more impact (hopefully) than having discussions with only you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JayBird265:
<strong>She was angered by their response and finally broke down and told me that she might have had some feelings for one person on-line, didn't know what they were and would have liked to meet him for a coffee in person as a friend. In anger, she said that the marriage was dead and boring, and further threatened that with all the stress of our marriage she could she herself going down a path of having a real affair. She still trys to suggest she was only clowning around and it was a fantasy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is an absolute fantasy, which makes it all the more dangerous from an infidelity point of view. Your cyber lover has no faults at all - he really is the perfect man, perfect lover, perfect partner for you. To quote my daughter "it's all good."

And, it's all about pretending, and lying and cheating. And it's all about developing very real feelings even though you know it may be a fantasy. I have had more experience than I like to remember in the cyber world. I remember falling so perfectly in love with a man - he was everything to me, and we had progressed to snail mail and phone calls. One day he disappeared for a few days, and finally came back online to confess that he had been busy with his wife as she gave birth to their second daughter. I was completely and totally heartbroken and devastated. The fantasy can feel, and is, very very real.

Get a copy of "Caught in the Net" for your wife to read. It deals quite well with how internet addictions develope. In my husband's case, it has taken a very long time for him to come to grips with why he is involved with women online, having to do in large part with getting the emotional needs met which I was failing to meet for him.

Thanks you all for the advice. Things have continued to escalate a bit since, something I didn't want or plan on happening. Communication with her has declined rapidily and she seems to at each opportunity to do things or drop hints that I should leave. She avoids the topic and becomes defensive if even a hint is made.

We did go to counselling 3 months ago and that helped marginally, but her mindset was solely on looking at ways to seperate. What I didn't know at the time was that she was already having the cyberaffair before and during couselling. She lied of course about her intentions to do counselling. So that avenue I think is over for me, I do however believe she should consider it.

I will follow up on the advice given.
Thanks
JB