It wasn't my intention, but it happened in a big way! I was feeling uneasy about his X-Mas luncheon today as I mentioned in my post yesterday, but had no plans of bringing anything up (conscious effort not to LB). Well, when I got home, I wasn't exactly the happiest person on earth, I was just BLAAAHHHH. Anyway, I guess he picked up on my mood and that upset him, (he yearns for me to come home and greet him with love and kisses and be cheerful, etc. I do my best to assimilate happiness, but it is very tough to do when you are in fact miserable) and he proceeded to nit pick about everything I did or didn't do. I was busy dressing up the kids to take a X-Mas picture under the tree for cards, and when I was finished he looked upset, I asked him what was wrong and he said that it seemed that I wasn't worried about feeding my family (it was 7:30pm, I get home at 6:30, he had been home since 3:00). It's really useless to get into all the things he complained about after that, but suffice to say that they were out of line. I got really upset because here I am biting my tongue every second of the day trying to avoid LB when in reality I really want to, and he's lashing out at me without giving it a second thought. When I made him see the light of how unfair and unfounded his comments were, he said that he was sorry, but without taking his eyes from the TV. Of course, all arguments and discussions end up on the same subject matter and that's when it is a LBing free for all. He feels that everything that comes out of my mouth is whining and he is sick of it. While I feel that I am expressing my feelings, he feels that I am harassing him and whining. WE CAN"T COMMUNICATE PROPERLY!!! We went to bed on a very sour note, but this morning we kind of patched things up, I told him that for obvious reasons (X-Mas Party) I was having a bad day and it was one of those days when I needed him to be Xtra loving and Xtra caring and what I got was the complete opposite, so that just threw me back. He told me that I should not be having a bad time about the party b/c I have absolutely nothing to worry about, that I have to trust him on this. Guess what? I CAN'T!!! He said that it made no difference whether she was there or not, and I said of course it did. I hate when he plays it off as she means absolutely to him, that I'm making more of it than it is, that he could care less about her. My question to him was (and he can't answer it) How can someone supposedly so insignificant be the source of the BIGGEST PAIN and HURT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE?? and for the last 2 years!!??!!It doesn't add up and I hate it!!<P>He said that I had screwed up the first real opportunity he had to prove to me something, that he was not going to drink, that he was planning to be home by 3, but I had to open my big mouth and ruin his opportunity! He said that if I was so worried about this event, why wouldn't I try to get closer to him instead of pushing him farther away? I HATE WHEN HE MAKES SENSE!!!<P>I know I screwed up and that wasn't my intention, but I thought it was really unfair how I have to control my emotions and feelings so we can have a harmonious home, yet he pulls the gun on me without a moment's thought.<P>I know it's too late to take back all the LBing that went on last night and today, his luncheon is an hour away, but how can I fix this???

i wish i could tell you how to fix it. just be patient and try not to LB anymore. you cant undo the deed- just learn and not do it again.

Make an amazing recovery!<P>One question...does your H believe in traditional roles in your home? (I think you posted you had Latin ancestory) <P>Anyway, if he comes home at three without drinking, be thrilled and show it. <P>If he doesn't, especially if he has been drinking, let it go for the moment. Let him sober up before you discuss anything.<P>I think your primary problem may indeed be communication with a dose of different expectations and some misinterpretations. <P>Although the jury is out on the OW (and if he does have a relationship, then obviously that is the primary problem) it sounds like she is almost an icon in your relationship rather than an actual threat.<P>No matter what be calm today. Even if he comes home later than three and/or was drinking, it doesn't mean he did something with OW. He may be behaving badly to get back at you. Unacceptable, but a different issue than the OW. <P>Hope you have a happy day!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>About believing in traditional roles, to some extent...he cooks, he cleans up, he takes care of the kids, he does laundry (refuses to fold, though), but he does firmly believe that he is "doing me a favor" by doing these things. <P>Please enlighten me on how to make an amazing recovery!!!!<P>My concerns about today are not even about him doing something with her...it's about them merely being in the same area at the same time. I'm sure they probably won't talk to each other, just like he has assured me, but that only leads me to think about how guilty they both are b/c they are purposely avoiding each other. If it were so platonic, why avoid each other? I know I sound irrational and I'm probably contradicting myself (upset b/c they will be avoiding each other???), I guess I'm upset b/c it means that they have to, and the fact that they have to, means that there is more to his story. I realize that there is, but I can't accept that there is w/o knowing WHAT it is. Until that revelation comes (and I know it won't) I continue to try to believe him and when circumstances arise that don't add up to his version, I become a LBing machine.<P>I have become so irrational throughout this whole ordeal...I hear myself saying, "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS PROBLEM", "I WANT IT TO GO AWAY AND TO HAVE NEVER HAPPENED"<P>I hate it that I sometimes question my sanity, I was usually a very rational, calm person...now I feel like I'm a basket case.<P>I know, I need counseling...I will seek help after the 1st of the year.<P>But for now...HELP!!

Break the cycle!<P>Feel what you feel, but choose only words and actions that will achieve your goals.<P>Seperate other problems in your relationship from the OW issue. If your H is critical of something, discuss and resolve that issue independent of bringing the OW into it.<P>Consider the possibility that OW is less of a threat to your relationship than how you are dealing with her.<P>Consider the possibility that your H is telling you the truth, but as I think Lor suggested, formulate what you would do if the worst was true.<P>Make your home "safe" for all who dwell in it. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13