Hello all! Just found this site yesterday & I must say it is quite good. So I guess this is where I pour it out: Last October while away at a training seminar I came back to an empty house. Actually had her sister call me at the hotel to tell me she moved out. Her sister from 3000 miles away who conviently flyed into town a day before I was to leave. Anyway, although she denied any affair, she moved in with her "friend" cuz she hadno where else to go. I'll have to leave out all the in between stuff cuz it's way too much. Fast forward to November, and she seemed to have this deep desire to come back home, but went away after the weekend. Fast forward to January and she confessed to me that she had a drinking problem and needed to seek treatment. I found her a good center and she entered the beginning of Feb. She and the kids came home the night before I drove her to treatment. At bedtime that night she held me, crying, said she was scared and told me, "you've" always made everthing OK. I wish you could make it OK". Being in treatment was the best thing for her. I visited 10 days later and she was a totally diferent person. Like the woman I haven't seen in years. It was incredible. Each visit on weekends after were wonderful. Had times and felt feelings we haven't felt in years. Month later she "graduated" from treatment. I brought her home. Weeks went by and were wonderful, then it happened. Started seeing/calling her "friend", and she started breaking away again. Now it is May, and she is very distracted I can tell. If only she had listened to her counselor. Her counselors called his guy a "trigger", and she was to stay away. Of course with her past, all men are "triggers", and I was also a "trigger". I feel like a lost puppy out in a rainstorm looking for my way home. I cannot handle all of this. Have went to Al-Anon for the alcoholism part of all of this, but the affair thing is too much to handle. Put the two together and I'm a mental case! Those are the basics, course there's more details, but didn't wanna take up too much of your time with my ramblings. Thanks for letting me spout.

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: tommy1414 ]</small>

Tommy: He's not a trigger, he is himself an addiction. Affairs ARE addictions. Furthermore, one addiction triggers the others, so she probably will be back in the bottle soon, if she is not already.

I don't really have much advice for you except to buy and read "Surviving an Affair". It will help show you how to supply her with the emotional sustenence she is getting from her affair partner. It will not fill the hole in her heart anymore than her affair partner will. Only God can do that. So pray.

Oh, yeah... Think about getting custody of the children. Sometimes, losing the kids can be enough to make people hit bottom. If you've "always made everything all right", it might be time to try a different approach. I am not suggesting you be vindictive. Only that you help her see the consequences of her actions BEFORE they wreak any more havoc on the lives of your kids and on her life and yours. If you continue to help her avoid the consequences, you may actually be helping her get worse instead of better.

It sounds like your wife is addicted to alcohol and affairs which is hard to treat unless there is a desire and a will to get better. If you allow her to pull you into her crazy world you will go bonkers. The best thing you can do for you and your children is to have minimal contact with her. If she sees your kids it should be under supervision. Unfortunately, she may need to hit bottom before she seeks out treatment.

It sounds as if she's falling to the trap of going back to where it's "ok" for her to drink. Just as with any other type of addiction, one of the things that needs to be done is a break from those who were your "friends" and validated your rights to "abuse" whatever you are addicted to. She's contacted her "friend" and I'd be willing to bet she's back drinking also. Betrayals often have alcohol involved, it breaks down barriers we have for ourselves and destroys our judgement.

I do NOT agree you are a "trigger"! I'm betting that you are the one who is there supporting her efforts to stay clean, but if she's wavering or has fallen off the wagon, she will see you as the main person who is "telling her what she can and can not do" and she'll be pushing all her guilt away and blaming you.

It might be best, if you can get her to agree for her to go back into treatment. And if things don't go well and she is unable to clean up her act, then you might need to see about custody of your children and getting a legal separation so that you can protect yourself, your children. This in no way means that you must file for a divorce, but it may be the "wake up call" your W needs. jmho

Good Luck!

Wow, this site is great. thanks for all your feedback thus far. The alcoholism thing..my gut feeling is that she has stayed clean. Have went to several AA meetings with her, she seems dead serious about fighting this disease. Tomorrow is her 90 day "birthday". Going to AA with her tomorrow for that. Gave her something to ponder last night though. Told her to think about his: In the time she was in treatment and for several weeks after that (where she was like the woman I once knew-refer to first post), what/who was a part of her life and what/who was not. She is a smart girl underneath it all...she has to see the light whether she wants to or not. JohnH39, funny you said that. I mentioned that to her a few weeks ago. Told her that she was under the influence of two evils. She has taken on and battling one and was very proud of her for that, but she is still under the influence of the other. Well, until later. Thanks all.

Read SAA together. It clearly shows how affairs are addictions, and how to overcome that particular kind of adiction.