I have never posted before but after over a year into my H's A I am wondering will I ever feel normal again? I guess I am one of the luckier ones in the sense that I caught it immediately. He had no problem ending the PA right away, zero emotional attachment. It started out on the internet. He joined a site called "married match.com". If u can believe it, the site specializes in discreet affairs for married people! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He talked with many women and ended up meeting one on two occasions,second time for sex. He was also having extremely intimate conversations with an exGF. I have no idea for how long with ex but they have been in contact for the lenght of my relationship with him(7yrs).
He never thought for a second he could be caught and was stunned at the immediate realisation he could possibly loose me and two beautiful little boys(3 and 4). He was willing to do whatever it took to make it right again. Two mths went by, lots of talking, crying and serious effort on both sides was starting to pay off. I was starting to see the guy I once dated but ten times better. He was learning how to communicate his feelings for the first time in his life! Our sex life, which he had been slowly turning away from became everything I could ask for. He had been looking for some kind of eroticism, excitement in the "wrongness" of this A but all it turned out to be was a "horrible, unfullfilling guilt-ridden experience" in his words. Otherwise he doesn't really know why he did it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
However, he wasn't being completely honest. I put a monitor on the computer and caught him once again with exGF and the dirty talk. They had just opened another email a/c!
That was nearly worse than the PA for me. He was betraying me all over again. He saw the devastation it had created previously but that didn't matter!
All those times we sat together intimately pouring out our feelings. Was it some kind of sick joke? We have moved on since then, working hard, doing all the right things for the most part. We have a better relationship than ever before. People constantly comment on how amazing we are together. There have been hiccups since then(little lies, etc) that have done nothing to rebuild the trust and that is where my question lies. It has been over a year. I am healing personally but slowly. I deal with the forgivness DAILY. I sometimes feel immense anger towards him thinking about what I have lost. How I can never again look at him and feel truly the way I used to. Don't get me wrong, I love him very, very much but can't get back to where I was before all this. I used to be so trusting, so secure within myself. How do I get it back, how do I get away from the down days?. I am only hurting myself at this point. Any suggestions from those further ahead than me?

We all struggle with this. There comes a point where you just have to let go, but doing so is VERY difficult, and even then, you find you sort of involuntarily pick it up again every so often.

It seems even little lies are a major setback, but I am not surprised by that. My wife has answered every question I asked as honestly as she knew how (and based on her answers I have no reason to believe she was even slightly shading the truth for my benefit), and I have never caught her in a lie since DDay, and I still struggle with forgiveness at 18 months. If there had been a second betrayal and more lies, even "little" ones, I don't know if I could have survived it.

Anyway, recovery takes at least 18 months or so, so even if there had been no further betrayals, you wouldn't be done yet. How long ago was the last lie? It seems to me in your situation that any lie or contact with the OW would set the clock back almost to zero.

Thanks John,
Really appreciate your input!
It does feel like these incidents that test my trust set me back all the way to d-day, which he gets incredibly frustrated about!
The last lie was about 2 weeks ago. He has been out of the country on business. I feel pretty comfortable with that as he keeps his cell on at all times, calls frequently,emails and says great things. However I called him one night at about midnight. He said he was still with a business associate at a hotel bar. I asked what hotel and being familiar with the area knew when he replied there was no such hotel!! I got a little crazy and started to push for the truth. He hung up on me!!! When I called back he told me he had been sitting in a bar alone and didn't want me to think he was a "sad sack". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I just don't get the logic. To be a liar is better than a sad sack?. Not that I would ever have thought that in the first place! All he managed to do was plant more seeds of doubt. I told him, in my mind he was cheating again, why should I believe otherwise and that after our history there was no room for lies and no place for him in my life if he continued like this. He was adamant about doing nothing wrong and even gave me the no. to the bar he was in to check.
I have to believe him but this kind of thing is unnessesary and cruel. I have gone through my fair share of hell and just want to get on. I have the feeling because he is not on the recieving end as the BS he doesn't get it fully even though he tries hard!
Glad to know, John, that I am not so far behind as I approach 18 mths!!! Thanks for the support!

I also recently found out about my husband's affair. It has been 6 months and I struggle daily to deal with the betrayal. I love my husband, and it's funny.. had anyone told me I would stay with a man who cheated on me I'd have told them they were nuts. We have one daughter who is a teenager and have been married 21 years. As usual, it was a co-worker and it was a 2 year affair. I found out by picking up a message she left him when he was out of the country on business. Prior to that verification, I had been questioning him about it for maybe 1 1/2 years.

My problem is that I am finding it hard to trust him. He seems to be doing everything right but, when he leaves for work i find myself wondering if he is seeing or talking to her that day. He swears it's over but, how do I believe him? If I ask questions i feel like I'm nagging yet, am I wrong to ask? When I ask him what needs she fulfilled for him he says she was a collegue who understood all about work and the people involved and was a great sounding board. He also gives her credit for where he is in his career which tears my heart out. I was the one who took care of things at home that allowed him to further his career.

How do I deal with this? Like I said, he's been great since the discovery but, will I ever feel the same and trust him again. I just don't know.

Hi Ritza,
Sorry to hear your story. It seems trust is made harder because we had to find out for ourselves. The lies and deception have an incredible impact on something that seemed so easy to give once. You were asking him for 1 1/2 yrs before you found out YOURSELF! I discussed this issue with my husband one night and he said the reason he lied even when it was very obvious he was lying was because he knew he would loose me, his best friend, if he told me!
If I put myself in his shoes I can understand the need to lie but it seems if he thought it through a little he might realise just how detrimental and long-term the effects of lying would be!

I have been doing the same thing as you, wondering what he is doing when he's out of the house, who he is calling, seeing. The mind can be a terrible thing. I am 18mths into this and know I cannot torture myself with this everyday for the rest of my life. There are just not enough hours in the day to keep tabs on him. Why should I deny myself happiness.
What I do now is to make a concerted effort to talk myself out of these moments of doubt and believe the best. He needs to realise that you are not only his partner but also his best friend and you can be a perfect sounding board if he let you into his world!
You are right to ask him what needs she fulfilled for him even if it hurts to hear initially. Knowledge is power and you can use this information to your advantage. You may have been the one at home enabling him to truly succeed in his career but think of the other things you may not have been providing.
I know I was not as affectionate as I could have been, I didn't tell him just how wonderful he was as a father and husband. I thought he knew <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I didn't tell him all the times I swelled with pride when I saw him succeed. It makes me incredibly sad to think about but I have learnt my lesson well. I Know now what he needs and I will do everything in my power to provide it. My husband has changed incredibly too. He is communicating his feelings and thoughts like never before and very aware of what he needs to do to make me believe in him again. I have some tough days but more and more I can talk myself out of them and gain strenght in the love he is showing. Hang in there, talk to him about all your fears and ways he can make it better for you. To avoid feeling like a nag or the "suspicious wife" take a different approach to the subject you want to raise. No put downs or accusations but lots of love and ego boosting!!! You are the strong one. You WILL get through it. One day at a time!! Best Wishes.