Your right, I do want to try and save my marriage. I told my husband that I didn't know if I loved him anymore. I didn't tell him about the A. I am now thinking how to end it, I am very scared. I told my H about MB. I am so afraid, what if I don't fall in love with him again, what if I can't love him the way he deserves to be loved. He told me he still loves me very much and is still in love with me. I am a horrible person.

Anyway, someone asked me if I was having fun with the A. I was at first because I thought the OM had feelings for me, then I started thinking that the OM is the only one getting satisfied. It is only when he wants to and he rejects me when I want to, I thought it was because of his position. It is fairly new. I really need support to end it, I am really scared because I have feelings for him and I do want to end it but then I don't want to lose him, what am I saying, he probably doesn't even care about me. He tells me he is not using me but that this is all he can offer because he can not take the chance of us being seen together and it getting back to our spouses and our kids. He also told me that it's not that he doesn't want to when I do it's whether he should or shouldn't and that if he is with me more often that he won't be able to stop being with me. As you can see I am so confused.

I hope you all don't mind me coming to you for help, I need help to see that the OM doesn't care about me so I can stop having feelings for him. Just when I think he doesn't care he does something to pull me back in. I am really struggling, please don't give up on me.

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need help to see that the OM doesn't care about me so I can stop having feelings for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree. He does care about you at some level, so trying to say he doesn't is just not true, and will never work. He does not care about you the way your husband cares about you. My guess is that it FELT more like the OM cared about you than it FELT like your H cares for you, but that is probably for two reasons: 1.) because the OM was speaking to you in your love language, and your husband was not. (You might want to read the book, "The Five Love Languages", by Chapman for more on love languages. Love languages are related to Harley's Emotional Needs concepts.) and 2.) because you were paying more attention to the OM than to your H.

My wife confessed to me before she had ended her affair. Confession was the first concrete step she took to end the affair. At the time, she did not know that falling in love with me again was even an option. She just knew she had to get her integrity back, and she had to start by being honest with me. She had tried to end the affair on her own before. When she finally resolved to end it, her first thought was to tell him it was over first, then tell me, but realized her responsibility and committment was to me, not him, so she told me first. It was in telling me - and breaking his trust of their shared secret - that the affair ended. It was putting my needs and our needs in front of his needs and their needs. If you are more concerned about the OM than your husband, then you are still having an affair, aren't you?

Hi s888

Come on girl!

This guy is using you as his boy toy! Maybe you are caught up with all the stuff he told you! He might have told you all these (loving) things to keep you around! Tells exactly you what you want to hear! But what confuses me about yor behavior is that fact that you are not sure if you want to be with him? Are you using him??? How are you able to have an affair when you guys don't meet? I am not sure what that is all about! But
can't you see it is out of convenience! I TOTALLY DISAGREE with that guy above my posting said. I think he doesn't care about you at all! Think about it! Calls you up ONLY when HE wants to see you? Tell the guy to get a hooker or a blow up doll! You are considered safe because you are commited!
About your husband, can you separate the words of the OM and what your husband tells you? What are you getting from this guy that mets your needs and why are you getting your needs met from your husband??? You need to go to MC to understand what it is that you want from your marriage!
To me, it sounds like you don't want this affair! So please avoid him. if you get that urge when he calls, go for a walk instead! Think about that he is using you! Besides, You said that you only dated your H. Welcome to the deceiving part of dating. That is the one partb of dating I hated. Work it out with your H.
Keep us posted!
Ali

Hi, s888! I was wondering if we would hear from you again. I'm so glad that you came back. I was the one who asked you in another thread yesterday if you were having fun in this A. It was so obvious from the tenor of your post yesterday, and again tonight, who is really having fun in this mess. I will reiterate what I said yesterday. HE is having all the fun. I would also suggest again that you really pay attention not only to what he said, but his actions, as well. You mentioned that by the way he looks at you that you could tell he had "feelings" for you. This guy doesn't call you, and you two don't even exchange emails outside of the A. You also made it clear that the A was going to be on HIS terms. Meanwhile, he told you point blank that he only wanted a no-strings-attached fling because he didn't want to leave his own wife and kids. I also think this guy is in it for what he can get. Are you really willing to risk everything for this person?

I would also examine what is going on with you that you feel that you are no longer in love with your H? Have you thought about IC for yourself as well as MC for you and your H? Your H does deserve to be in a loving marriage; so do you. Please realize what you have before it's too late. It's not worth losing your marriage and kids for someone who has been quite honest with you about what his real objectives are.

In my last post I asked you if your situation was happening to a married female friend of yours, what would you advice be to her? I think you know the answer.

Many A(affairs) start out as inocent friendships that cross boundaries (i.e.confiding personal matters to a member of the opposite sex, more time spent with a member of the opposite sex, etc.) and become addictive relationships when the WS(wayward spouses) most important, long neglected EN(emotional needs) start being met by the OP(other person, i.e. lover). I highly recommend that you print out two copies of the EN(emotional needs) and LB(love busters) questionaires, and have you and your H(husband) fill them out (the links to the questionaires are under my signature line). It might surprise you to find out that the reason you are so addicted to your OM is because he's fullfiling your most important EN's that you H has long neglected.

Don't lose hope, you are not alone.

I know this is not much, but for me it is a big step. Yesterday I stayed away from him, and I didn't talk to him. I avoided him all day. However, he kept coming to me, I did not respond to him. I know this is very small and I need to be able to tell him right off but I am waiting for the right time and for FULL COURAGE, so when he trys to tell me something, I won't fall for it. I don't want to be his boy toy, I don't want to be his anything.

I am doing better today, I know what I have to do now, I am so glad I found this website. I am not going to ruin my marriage and my kids life, they need me, I just got so wrapped up in this A, I forgot that. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective.

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 07:05 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

Well, one thing I bet Ali and I CAN agree on is that he cares about HIMSELF a he!! of a lot more than he cares for YOU.

Look, my wife tried the "I'll just stay away and only talk to him about work when I HAVE to" approach, and the affair started up again. You have to get a lot more intentional in your actions if you want to succeed. If you can't just quit, start looking for another job NOW. Send him a no contact letter (see Surviving an Affair for an example) saying you want to have no contact with him beyond what is absolutely necessary for work until such time as you find other employment, and if he says ANYTHING to you beyond what is necessary, cut him off adn don't let him speak. Let your husband read the letter before you send it, so he can help you edit out anything that sounds like it might indicate you care for the OM - even if you do still care, it is not a good idea to let him know that. Send a copy of the letter to his wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by s888:
<strong>I know this is not much, but for me it is a big step. Yesterday I stayed away from him, I didn't go to his office unless it was necessary to drop something off and if he was there I didn't talk to him. I avoided him all day. However, he kept coming to my office, I did not respond to him. I know this is very small and I need to be able to tell him right off but I am waiting for the right time and for FULL COURAGE, so when he trys to tell me something, I won't fall for it. I don't want to be his boy toy, I don't want to be his anything.

I am doing better today, I know what I have to do now, I am so glad I found this website. I am not going to ruin my marriage and my kids life, they need me, I just got so wrapped up in this A, I forgot that. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you s888! Even a small victory like that can be snowballed into a major one that will lead to the rebuilding of your M. Now keep it up, and when you are strong enough, give him the NC letter.

Don't get confused between love and the excitement of being with someone new. You probably still love your husband or you wouldn't feel so guilty. You owe it to your husband to be honest with him. It will be painful at first but I believe it will be better in the long run. You can't work on your marraige when you are hiding something, and it will eat you up inside. My H denied his affair but the anxiety I was having told me otherwise. I needed to here the truth before I could go on. I can't tell you how bad I needed the truth. He admitted it on Mar. 15 and we are really working on our marriage and finding what we love in each other again.
Be strong and good luck to you.

I also have kids. They are a very important part of the equation. My family is extremely important to me.

Don't get confused between love and the excitement of being with someone new. You probably still love your husband or you wouldn't feel so guilty. You owe it to your husband to be honest with him. It will be painful at first but I believe it will be better in the long run. You can't work on your marraige when you are hiding something, and it will eat you up inside. My H denied his affair but the anxiety I was having told me otherwise. I needed to here the truth before I could go on. I can't tell you how bad I needed the truth. He admitted it on Mar. 15 and we are really working on our marriage and finding what we love in each other again.
Be strong and good luck to you.

I also have kids. They are a very important part of the equation. My family is extremely important to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by s888:
<strong>I know this is not much, but for me it is a big step. Yesterday I stayed away from him, I didn't go to his office unless it was necessary to drop something off and if he was there I didn't talk to him. I avoided him all day. However, he kept coming to my office, I did not respond to him. I know this is very small and I need to be able to tell him right off but I am waiting for the right time and for FULL COURAGE, so when he trys to tell me something, I won't fall for it. I don't want to be his boy toy, I don't want to be his anything.

I am doing better today, I know what I have to do now, I am so glad I found this website. I am not going to ruin my marriage and my kids life, they need me, I just got so wrapped up in this A, I forgot that. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This IS a big step and I'm happy! You've gotten some really good advice from John about the N/C letter. Keep up the good work and don't falter!