I just learned 3 weeks ago tha my H had an affair, or a one night stand, I cannot seem to differentiate between the two. H e said it happen once, I contacted the OW, she said it happen twice, most recently 4/11/03. He said she invited him to a party and when he showed up, it was just her and right at that moment, I happen to call him on the cell phone and he left immediately. I dont believe him, especially after finding this out. H said he has not been with anyone else, nor does he want to be with her or anyone else for that matter. H said he wants to work on the M and get me to trust him. My H has always been loving and affectionate towards me, which is why I never suspected. H said it was during a period we were having some difficulties. We have a 2 1/2 yr old. It's been very hard, although things have improve on my end I am still very skeptical and do not beleieve him for one moment. I ahve tried talking with him in a non-confrontational manner, hoping he would open up but his story is still the same. We will be married 3 yrs this May. I cried everyday because I doubt him and I am not sure I can live with him and his lies. Most of all I am hurt b/c he saw the pain he was causing when I repeatedly asked him to be truthful and he continue to lie, until he was ready and after I contacted the OW and she came forward. Right now I am not even sure she was truthful. I am confused and desperate right now. My instint is telling me to leave him, and I also want to know the entire detail yet I am afraid. I am productof a broken home,we both are and we swore our children will not grow up as we did. H has broken his promise and I cannot seem to forgive him, H tells me in other for all to move forward I will need to forgive him or else he will leave. Well, I told him he can leave b/c he has no right to make such demands. H is still home with me and Daughter, there has been a lot of good times and I think the good times far out weights the bad, but what made him do it. please advice as I am sadden state, I have no family I can talk to this about.

I'm 27, H's 28
M 3yrs
Daughter 2 1/2

I relate so well to how you are feeling. The truth of my H's A came out Mar. 15. I too knew it and he denied. I confronted OW and she denied. She was very condescending to me. I too told him the lie was eating me up and how important the truth was so I could deal with it. Mar. 15 I layed it out, he was to chose her or me and the kids. Finally a confession. 2 days later I lost it after a phone conversation with my H when he hung up the phone on me. I called her and asked her if she had fun f'ing my H. She called my H at work. I also confronted her at her place of business 2 weeks later to get some stuff of my chest. Told her that next time she screw someones husband to make sure first that his wife is dumb and ungly. Right or wrong it felt good. Contemplated telling her H but didn't want to complicate my life any more.
Since then my husband has been trying really hard. I believe he loves me.
Beyond admitting it he doesn't want to talk about it. I too feel that there is so much I don't know. Should I keep bringing it up or let time heal. I don't know.
I say if he loves you and is trying work with it. Don't let your anger or hurt make your decisions. Spend as much time as you can together. If you need to talk about it tell him so and set a time to do so.
Be strong.

Thank you so much for responding. I thought I was alone in this feeling, but thru this web site I have found comfort. I too am sorry that we have to go thru this. Just last night, I thought the OW called my home, and I called her back very angry. I told her off and about herself, my H was upset that I called her back, (I think I made a mistake and I was not sure it was even her) he said there is absolutely nothing there with her for him, that it was a one time thing. Yet she calls him still, I finally told him if it continue/she continues to called he will have to leave and I will put a restraining order out on her. He said, he will change the cell phone number and he insists he has not had any contat with her. I think he finally realize the severity of his action, because I am a quite mild manner person, I absolutely hate confrontation and for me to call OW house was definetly out of character. We are schedule to MC next week to work on our issues. I am very hopeful. By the way, we spent all our free time together prior to this except when I worked 3rd shift on the weekend- which is when the A happened. Well, I have since quite the weekend job, and it has been great, I have so much more energy, I am happier and I think so is he, although we are financially strap at the moment but, with God all things are possible.

It was out of character for me to confront OW too. I too am non-confrontational. Good luck with counselling. Seems like your husband loves you and wants to work it out. My husband won't go to counselling however he is trying really hard at home. He is more attentive to me and the kids, says he loves me at least a dozen times a day.
I went to counselling myself 2 times. Once before he admitted it because I could barely function with the anxiety I was having. And once after.
He just wants to put it behind us and move on. I am trying hard too and we are spending more quality time together. However what he doesn't understand is that while he got some enjoyment out of the whole ordeal I have had to deal with the betrayel, the anxiety, the lies, the hurt, you know what I'm talking about. He'll never know how much pain I felt inside, how do you describe something like that.
I have faith that both our marriages will eventually grow stronger.
Keep your head up high.

sgy
Hope you are doing well.
I just read something on another posting that made a lot of sense to me and I hope it will to you to.
That you need honesty to re-establish trust and intimacy in your relationship. These words were exactly how I feel in why I need to know the truth.
I've written down a lot of questions and plan on discussing it with him in the next couple of days. while I'm worried about his response I feel I need to do it. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better. After all he hasn't been hurt as bad as you have, he is not the one who has been betrayed.
You have support here. I find it so helpfull to here from others who have gone through similar experiences.

HI PM

I am doing better, how are you holding up? I did asked for absolute truth, even send him an email, hoping he would get a better understanding of my need to know everything. He finally said that he did not have sex with her and that she performed oral sex on him. I asked why did he not say so from the beginning, well he said since the ow said she slept with, he figures since he was in the wrong and he violated his vows he did not see any point in going into the gory details of what happened, but he swears it is the truth. I am I suppose to feel better now, and I still do not trust that he's telling everything. I got so upset yesterday, just thinking about it, i mean I 'm the mother of his only child and yet he can do and say anything but the truth. I practically did not speak to him at all yesterday, and when I did, I was just snapping at him. We are due for first MC session tomorrow. I have not wrote much because I've just been reading and I feel like I am so naive compare to the post I have been reading that I cannot respond to anyone. But I do share in the pain, and when I read each post my heart goes out to that person and the situation they are experiencing. Please keep in touch.

How did your counselling session go. I hope it helped.
I still have not talked to my H. I did order Surviving an Affair though. I won't be in until next week though, thought it would help. Still have many trigger moments. He mentioned taking our daughter to another martial arts tournament and all I can think about is the last time he took my kids to a tournament he took the OW with him. How cruel was that? He is home more often now. I asked him last night if I am giving him enough affection and he said yes.
Did your H get upset when you asked him for the truth? Sounds like my H in that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Good Luck