I just learned 3 weeks ago tha my H had an affair, or a one night stand, I cannot seem to differentiate between the two. H e said it happen once, I contacted the OW, she said it happen twice, most recently 4/11/03. He said she invited him to a party and when he showed up, it was just her and right at that moment, I happen to call him on the cell phone and he left immediately. I dont believe him, especially after finding this out. H said he has not been with anyone else, nor does he want to be with her or anyone else for that matter. H said he wants to work on the M and get me to trust him. My H has always been loving and affectionate towards me, which is why I never suspected. H said it was during a period we were having some difficulties. We have a 2 1/2 yr old. It's been very hard, although things have improve on my end I am still very skeptical and do not beleieve him for one moment. I ahve tried talking with him in a non-confrontational manner, hoping he would open up but his story is still the same. We will be married 3 yrs this May. I cried everyday because I doubt him and I am not sure I can live with him and his lies. Most of all I am hurt b/c he saw the pain he was causing when I repeatedly asked him to be truthful and he continue to lie, until he was ready and after I contacted the OW and she came forward. Right now I am not even sure she was truthful. I am confused and desperate right now. My instint is telling me to leave him, and I also want to know the entire detail yet I am afraid. I am productof a broken home,we both are and we swore our children will not grow up as we did. H has broken his promise and I cannot seem to forgive him, H tells me in other for all to move forward I will need to forgive him or else he will leave. Well, I told him he can leave b/c he has no right to make such demands. H is still home with me and Daughter, there has been a lot of good times and I think the good times far out weights the bad, but what made him do it. please advice as I am sadden state, I have no family I can talk to this about.

I'm 27, H's 28
M 3yrs
Daughter 2 1/2

I feel for you, my Dday was Jan 19. My only advise is the following; go to counselling together and apart if necessary but certainly together AND do not make any decisions now. As long as he is not having an A now or being abusive, you have nothing to lose by waiting until the dust settles to make such an enormous decision which affects you and your little girl.

My counsellor told me at the time not to make any decisions for a year and then I will be able to say I really tried, and my decision was well thought out. Some marriages do survive infidelity and even though he did this not you, you owe it to your daughter to try your very best even if it costs you dearly, it just might pay off big time.

My marriage is in recovery now and we are doing pretty well all things considered. I think we will make it and my family is once again a great place for my children although my marriage requires work from both my H and me. If I would have just left like I really felt like, I think it would have been a poor decision made at a time when I really was in shock.

Good luck. I am usually in the 'Recovery' section of this board. Take your time and use your head.

sgy...I agree with getreal9, great advice.

There is a lot of valuable information on site, read and take from it what you think will benefit your marriage. The emotions you are dealing with are NORMAL! Please, do seek out some outside professional guidence, it can make a world of difference. Also, have your family doctor do a good general physical as the stress you are under will put added demands on your energy. (Sorry, but also be checked for any STDs...not something we like to think about, but something we can not take the risk of ignoring.)

Your H needs to understand that your healing will be on YOUR timeline, NOT his. His telling you to get over it, or move on, or whatever trite phase he might utter, is counter-productive. He needs to support you in your healing, not try to stand on the sidelines...he's either helping or he's blocking your healing path...no middle ground.

As to why the WS betrays...there is no satisfactory answer. No matter what he might say, you will see so many other options which he could have taken, should have taken, but he choose to betray. It's something we must come to accept, but it is a long road to acceptance.

You will be able to reach forgiveness, for the man you love, not the act of betrayal. IF...he's doing those things which can help you help, help himself to reclaim the trust he abused and give you a sense of security.

Good Luck!