I found out on April 25th that my wife of 11 years had an affair in 1998 with a co-worker. They worked together at a Hotel - she as the Front Desk Manager, and he as the Co-Head of the Maintenance Department.

We had gone through a rough spot in April 1997 when she admitted she was flirting with another man at a previous job. I was pretty much devastated at that time, and realized that I had set the stage for such a development because I was working over 70 hours a week at my job and did not express my feelings to her very well. I re-committed to our marriage, cut back my hours at work drastically and really worked hard on communication and feeling. All this time, I thought she had re-committed too, but alas...

Turns out, she actually harbored some resentment towards me because she thought I was only changing for her. She was right at the time, but I AM a much better person for it.

She switched jobs shortly after the April 1997 breakdown, and started at the Hotel. A year later, when I thought things were really on the mend between us, she was kissed by this guy at work. This happened in the spring of the year. She says there was a mutual attraction and some sexual tension. She says she remembers telling him "no," but that he persisted and from there, the affair escalated over several months. Without being too graphic, she did things for this guy that she had never done for me, and as near as I can tell, the affair only ended because at the end of August, her lover and his family moved out of town for his wife to pursue college.

While all this was going on, I was going through the most traumatic career change I had ever been through. I was very distracted, but remember distinctly relying on her for support through this time.

She says that she was deeply ashamed of her actions, and after visiting her Dad over our anniversary in September 1998, she came home, quit her job and re-committed to our marriage - the same way I had done over a year earlier. She never told me about the affair until 12 days ago.

In the mean-time, we had a son in 2000, a perfect little boy who can tell that something is very wrong.

As I said, she told me about the affair on Friday, April 25th. I had asked her a direct question because I guess, in the back of my mind, I always suspected something, but I thought it was with the guy she had flirted with in '97. I was totally unprepared for her revelation.

So here I am today... She tells me that she is ashamed of the affair, and that she never told me about it until now, but that she was waiting "for the right opportunity." She admits her involvement in the affair, but says that she believes that the guy was basically using her because she was unhappy, vulnerable, and they would talk a lot at work (during this time, she was working pretty much the same 70 hours a week that I had just quit working.) She does say that she regrets the affair more than any other event in her life, but I don't know whether to believe her or not. She says that when she re-committed to our marriage, everything got better for her. She says that she loves me, that she knows it was a horrible mistake, and that she very much wants me to stay...

There have been a lot of tears and a lot of hugs and kisses, but it seems to cycle...

Part of me wants to forgive her and stay because we have had some good years, she has been a good wife since then. There's also our son.

Another part of me feels so empty and desolate because not only did she HAVE the affair, she didn't tell me about it. I'm not sure which hurts worse. I also feel that if her lover hadn't left town, the affair would have continued. It may have even progressed, although he WAS married and had kids...

My little boy is such an innocent in all this, but I still can't help feeling like I've been trapped somewhat. If she had told me about the affair BEFORE he was born, he probably WOULDN'T have been born. I don't know if I would have left or not, but there's a good bet I would have. I feel really guilty for even thinking this.

The really weird thing to me is that we have been intimate with each other more since this revelation than I think we have been in the past year. We're communicating better, and there are a lot of positive feelings. A big problem I have is this image in my head of her and this other guy. (She says that I met him, but I don't remember. I have a very detail-oriented mind, however, and although I don't believe she has been COMPLETELY forthcoming about the details, she has given me a lot of them. She says she has told me everything she remembers, and knowing her, I think that I believe her.)

Another thing I'm torn on is a desire I have to contact this guy's wife and let her know what her husband was up to. I just don't know if this is wise. I know that I would want to know, but I'm not sure if I should unilaterally make that decision for her. My wife says she doesn't care if I do this, and that I need to do whatever is right for me, but I can sense some hesitancy on her part.

I know that I love my wife, and I know that I love my son. I guess I'm just a little lost and very wounded, and I don't know what to do....

Thanks for reading...

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 01:28 AM: Message edited by: JakeB ]</small>

hi jakeb, welcome to MB, i am sorry for your pain.
I can relate to alot of your story. My H had an A while working away 2 years ago, and i found out recently(feb). He never confessed though, i found out. It is very difficult when it happened some time ago, because even though it is further in the past, you feel betrayed also for being in a M having no idea of the secret all that time, humiliated, decieved.
The good news is that your W confessed herself. Many WS would not unless caught. She also says she wants to work on M, which is hopeful.
You say you felt it only ended as OM moved away. I felt abit like that too, that my H's A only ended as they were coming home from being away working together and lived miles apart. But, they, if they were that keen could have kept in touch, email etc, and it's likely one or both used the going away as a means out the A.
Ups and downs are inevitable on this rollercoaster ride of emotions. I too, feel closer to my H than I have been in years. A crisis like this can really be a wake up call to our feelings.
The images of them together is quite usual, i have them too, but now much less. This gets easier in time.
Hang in there, I found reading very helpful, especially on the MB site. Counseling has also helped us a great deal, take care, ad x

Jake:

First, we know the hurt, weird feelings, and awful pain you are going through. I have to say, that ALL of your feelings are NORMAL. You and what sounds likea remorseful wife are also in good shape at this point wth no contact with the former lover, etc. I suggest you both start doing a lot of reading, both here, and at the book store. This will help both of you understand what happened and how to prevent it from happening again, and..improve your marriage. And while you want it all fixed today, sorry, it takes a while, so sit back and hang on to the roller coaster ride of emotions. We have all been on the ride, and yes, it will get better.

JakeB,

They say that when God wants something to happen he causes a baby to be born. Look at your son. If everything seems to be going well between you or even better than it was before you found out, go with the positive. Try to forgive your wife. If not, the resentment and negative feelings will only take over you. You now have the opportunity to make your relationship with your wife the way you want it. Take it with both hands.

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JakeB:
<strong>I found out on April 25th that my wife of 11 years had an affair in 1998 with a co-worker. They worked together at a Hotel - she as the Front Desk Manager, and he as the Co-Head of the Maintenance Department.

We had gone through a rough spot in April 1997 when she admitted she was flirting with another man at a previous job. I was pretty much devastated at that time, and realized that I had set the stage for such a development because I was working over 70 hours a week at my job and did not express my feelings to her very well. I re-committed to our marriage, cut back my hours at work drastically and really worked hard on communication and feeling. All this time, I thought she had re-committed too, but alas...

Turns out, she actually harbored some resentment towards me because she thought I was only changing for her. She was right at the time, but I AM a much better person for it.

She switched jobs shortly after the April 1997 breakdown, and started at the Hotel. A year later, when I thought things were really on the mend between us, she was kissed by this guy at work. This happened in the spring of the year. She says there was a mutual attraction and some sexual tension. She says she remembers telling him "no," but that he persisted and from there, the affair escalated over several months. Without being too graphic, she did things for this guy that she had never done for me, and as near as I can tell, the affair only ended because at the end of August, her lover and his family moved out of town for his wife to pursue college.

While all this was going on, I was going through the most traumatic career change I had ever been through. I was very distracted, but remember distinctly relying on her for support through this time.

She says that she was deeply ashamed of her actions, and after visiting her Dad over our anniversary in September 1998, she came home, quit her job and re-committed to our marriage - the same way I had done over a year earlier. She never told me about the affair until 12 days ago.

In the mean-time, we had a son in 2000, a perfect little boy who can tell that something is very wrong.

As I said, she told me about the affair on Friday, April 25th. I had asked her a direct question because I guess, in the back of my mind, I always suspected something, but I thought it was with the guy she had flirted with in '97. I was totally unprepared for her revelation.

So here I am today... She tells me that she is ashamed of the affair, and that she never told me about it until now, but that she was waiting "for the right opportunity." She admits her involvement in the affair, but says that she believes that the guy was basically using her because she was unhappy, vulnerable, and they would talk a lot at work (during this time, she was working pretty much the same 70 hours a week that I had just quit working.) She does say that she regrets the affair more than any other event in her life, but I don't know whether to believe her or not. She says that when she re-committed to our marriage, everything got better for her. She says that she loves me, that she knows it was a horrible mistake, and that she very much wants me to stay...

There have been a lot of tears and a lot of hugs and kisses, but it seems to cycle...

Part of me wants to forgive her and stay because we have had some good years, she has been a good wife since then. There's also our son.

Another part of me feels so empty and desolate because not only did she HAVE the affair, she didn't tell me about it. I'm not sure which hurts worse. I also feel that if her lover hadn't left town, the affair would have continued. It may have even progressed, although he WAS married and had kids...

My little boy is such an innocent in all this, but I still can't help feeling like I've been trapped somewhat. If she had told me about the affair BEFORE he was born, he probably WOULDN'T have been born. I don't know if I would have left or not, but there's a good bet I would have. I feel really guilty for even thinking this.

The really weird thing to me is that we have been intimate with each other more since this revelation than I think we have been in the past year. We're communicating better, and there are a lot of positive feelings. A big problem I have is this image in my head of her and this other guy. (She says that I met him, but I don't remember. I have a very detail-oriented mind, however, and although I don't believe she has been COMPLETELY forthcoming about the details, she has given me a lot of them. She says she has told me everything she remembers, and knowing her, I think that I believe her.)

Another thing I'm torn on is a desire I have to contact this guy's wife and let her know what her husband was up to. I just don't know if this is wise. I know that I would want to know, but I'm not sure if I should unilaterally make that decision for her. My wife says she doesn't care if I do this, and that I need to do whatever is right for me, but I can sense some hesitancy on her part.

I know that I love my wife, and I know that I love my son. I guess I'm just a little lost and very wounded, and I don't know what to do....

Thanks for reading...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Jake: You can recover, but it will take time. Thei is still very fresh for you. You willhave a lot of bad days between now and when you really feel recovered, so be forewarned. However, the alternative, divorce, would be worse, even though there are going to be times when it looks like an attractive alternative. A few days after I found out about my wife's affair, I confided in two friends at work, a man and a woman. Both had been divorced, both had had an affair, both had been cheated on by at least one of their spouses. When I told them, the first thing out of their mouths, literally almost in unison, was: "Don't do what we did." - meaning: "Don't get divorced."

The honesty she has shown since the revelation is a very good sign, as is her committment to the marriage between the end of the affair and the present.

Right now, you don't fully understand how much that secret has been hindering your relationship. The greater intimacy you have experienced since she told you is just the first piece of evidence. It gets better, if you keep working at it. (While you are simultaneously on an emotional rollercoaster ride from hell because of the contrast between the new pain of what was done and the joy what is going on now - it is extremely dis-orienting.) Click on the link in my signature line to find out some of the most efficient ways to direct your efforts.

Oh, yeah: IMO, tell his wife, if you know who she is.

Jake, I know it's going to sound weird to you, but you are lucky that she confessed to you voluntarily and is remorseful enough to recomit to the M. Many WS don't even get close to what your W has done (voluntary disclosure, recomitment and remorse).

It would be a great benefit to BOTH of you if the two of you read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. This way, the two of you would be on the same wavelength of what principles to follow for a succesful marital recovery.

Keep us posted and invite your W to the forums.

First, thank you to everyone posting messages of support. Intellectually, I know that I am not the first cheated-on spouse in history, but sometimes it feels like I am. Its nice to know that there are others who have felt, and do feel, my pain. Thank you again, for the suggestions, empathy and comments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have already picked up a copy of "Surviving An Affair" and I have a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" on the way. I have started reading SAA, but its kind of slow. It seems that every paragraph I read leads to another 50 questions for my W. She has been very good about answering, although I can tell that it frustrates and embarrasses her. Still, she knows that I'm a detail-oriented person and she is bearing with me. I normally am a voracious reader, but I can only go a few pages at a time now. No attention span, or I guess more accurately, no concentration. She doesn't read a lot, but she has committed to reading both books. I'm thinking that we might try reading them together.

I know that keeping this secret from me for so long took a tremendous toll on her, and on our relationship, even after the affair ended and she re-committed to the marriage. With just the revelation, and our communication since, I feel closer to her than I ever have. It is definitely going to be a long road, but I think it will be worth the effort, and I feel and think that she does too.

I was reading some of the other posts on MB last night and she asked to read my posting. She did, and told me it made her cry that I referred to the OM as her "lover." She says that she never thought of him that way, and that she always had associated that word with good connotations. I asked what a better description of him might be, since she did tell me that before he left, she had told him that she loved him, but she had no real answer. In our conversations, it seems that she was trading the emotional support and passion of a "new" relationship she received from him for the sex that he wanted.

One of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around is that with our crisis in 1997, I had already recommitted to our marriage, trying to recognize my shortcomings, and making a real effort to change. She just didn't buy it, and thought I'd go back to being the jerk I was before. All the time that I thought we were growing closer together, she wasn't really participating, although she led me to believe she was. Eventually, she was distant enough that when the other guy made his move, she was susceptible and went along. After the first kiss, however, she became a willing participant. That hurts too. If all this had happened in 1997, I think I could have understood it a lot better. The irony is that it happened a whole year after I thought our crisis had occurred. Blind Blind Blind.

We talked a lot last night, and I think that we had a break-through. The time seemed right, and I knew in my heart I wanted to, so I forgave her. There were a lot of tears. Neither one of us wanted to go to sleep - we wanted that closeness to last forever. She told me this morning that she will always remember May 7th as the day I forgave her. I didn't want to ruin the moment by pointing out that April 25th will always have a similar, but not quite so happy, meaning for me. Still, since D-Day, I haven't felt this stable. I think actually MAKING the decision: Deciding on a course of action, was helpful.

There is a lot of "glue" holding us together; history, family, feeling, and even with the affair, I still feel a tremendous amount of commitment both towards her and from her.

Oh the row we have to hoe....but I guess no-one ever said life was easy. I read once that pain is there to remind you that you&#8217;re alive. Still, sometimes a deep dark hole, far away from all this is pretty inviting.

I am going to try and convince her to sign up and share her feelings. I hope she will. Thanks again. Jake.

That's a great update JakeB. Nothing beats having BOTH spouses following the MB principles for marital recovery. Not only because it puts them on the same wavelength, but because they are BOTH aware that it is indeed possible to not only recover but make the marriage into one that they only dreamed of.

Keep up the good work and I hope we get to hear from your W soon.

JakeB,

Part of you must feel so wonderful having forgiven your W. I am glad for your newfound, yet envy your, closeness now. Any advice or ways you can suggest how I can get my H to forgive me so that we can start again? I would love to hear those words and feel that kind of closeness again.

Congratulations! Rebuild for all your worth!

All my best to you.

Jake, this is really great news. Just be forewarned that the low days are not over. They don't call it an "emotional rollercoaster" for nothing. It helps if you notice that the dips get farther and farther apart.

I can relate to this situation very well. One critical difference in my case is that my wife did not confess, even when I confronted her with the chain of lies that led me to the suspicion. That only spurred me to confront the guy (separated from his wife) about it and he further compounded the situation by lying about things that she had talked about. Do I have confirmed proof? No. Are there enough signs...Yes
- Sudden decline in interest in family, kids and me.
- Consistent refusal to be intimate with me for the last 1 year (after a very passionate 15 years, that seems unbelievable)
- Lying to the kids to go out with him (alone) when I'm out of town
- Refusing to speak to me when I call from out of town
- Lying about his separated status even though its public knowledge
- Remarks like "what I do is my business, what you do is yours"
- Refusing to accompany me to a MC to see what we can do to improve the marriage
- Refusing to spend weekends with family and kids

Finally, after trying about 9 months to convince her that this behavior is certainly not going to save the marriage, I gave up hope and left things as they are. I didn't want to get into a formal divorce since the kids are growing and I don't want instability to be there on their minds. Right now, we are taking cover of our respective occupations being the cause for living in different cities; will continue with that for some more years.

Suddenly, about a couple of months ago, her attitude towards me has changed, in the phone conversations that we have. Its almost as if she's trying to come closer to me and is in fact planning an extensive vacation to be with us (the kids are with me). My mind has still not got over the hurt and loss of self-esteem from the discovery I made and I'm unable to reconcile to her actions now. I certainly don't want to be hurt again, just as I'm getting out of the devastated feeling that I had before. My intention - to be as distanced as possible when she comes for the vacation, but I'm not sure whether I can control myself from expressing my hurt personally if she attempts to come closer.
Of course, the troubling issue of images is very much there as well as the list of lies that keep coming back to my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Finally, after trying about 9 months to convince her that this behavior is certainly not going to save the marriage, I gave up hope and left things as they are. I didn't want to get into a formal divorce since the kids are growing and I don't want instability to be there on their minds. Right now, we are taking cover of our respective occupations being the cause for living in different cities; will continue with that for some more years.

Suddenly, about a couple of months ago, her attitude towards me has changed, in the phone conversations that we have. Its almost as if she's trying to come closer to me and is in fact planning an extensive vacation to be with us (the kids are with me). My mind has still not got over the hurt and loss of self-esteem from the discovery I made and I'm unable to reconcile to her actions now. I certainly don't want to be hurt again, just as I'm getting out of the devastated feeling that I had before. My intention - to be as distanced as possible when she comes for the vacation, but I'm not sure whether I can control myself from expressing my hurt personally if she attempts to come closer.
Of course, the troubling issue of images is very much there as well as the list of lies that keep coming back to my mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome SSH to MB.

I'd like to advice you to read everything in this website and all the Harley books especially 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters', as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's books 'Divorce Remedy' and 'The Sex Starved Marriage'.

Your W's apparent turn around may have something to do with you finally giving up trying to changer her behavior. It's human nature to try to resist the attempts of others to change us when we don't want to or are not ready to. Even though you are not thinking of divorcing her because of your kids, she may be fearing that eventually you will and thus her tentative attempts to move closer to you. She too may be having a hard time dealing with her A, and not trusting herself. Remember that an A is like an accident in which BOTH spouses, BS and WS, have been seriously hurt and it's going to take a long time before they recover. The best thing to do is to NOT let your emotions dictate your course of action, and follow the MB principles.