My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have had our ups and downs. He's a great person. Always lending a hand to those in need. He always tells me loves me and vice versa. We both make a point to spend time with each other. We both go to college and work full time so it's hard for us to spend time with each other. Last November we ran across a problem that seems to keep popping up. I found out that he had been looking at pornographic sites on the internet and masturbating while I was at work. I was flabbergasted and just went at him. Later on in December or so, I found out he had been doing it again. At that point I told him how much it hurt me. He is always telling me that I have a higher sexual drive than him. At that time in December he promised me on our marriage that he would not do it again because he saw how much it hurt me. Three days ago, when I was work, I found out he had been at it again. I told him that I was not going to leave him and I was not mad at him. I was, and still am, very hurt. He told me he was not going to promise me he was not going to do it again but he was going to try not to. He did not even apologize until I asked him to. I know that he loves, there is no doubt about that, but how to fix this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I told him that that is not what I want in a marriage and took off my wedding rings. I am still hurt because I feel he just takes from me. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I feel like I'm just there for him to relief himself on me after looking at the pronographic sties on the internet, not because he wants me and wants to make love to me. Please someone help!!!

When your H promises that he won't do it again he probably means it AT THAT TIME - however, please consider that he in fact might not have any control over this issue and that it might be possible that he has relied on doing it to make himself feel good (in essence become "addicted" to the feeling it gives him)for a long time. In that case he could promise you anything but the strength of his feelings about it make it hard for him to NOT do it. He may in fact need help to stop.

How do I help him? Was my decision to take off my wedding band too drastic?

Just spoke to my hsband this morning. He said he des not see any problem with him looking at porn. I said that if I went around sleeping with numerous men and I didn't think it was a problem then it would be ok. He said that that is different. I don't see why since both actions would hurt the other. How do I explain to him why it hurts? He doesn't think it should hurt since it is a natural thing for me to get aroused by women. How do I make him understand that he has a problem?

Your husband has an addiction. You also have some problems in your marriage, some of which are caused by his addiction and cannot be fixed while his addiction is active. He needs help. I am not familiar with resources on sex addiction, so you might want to create a post with "sex addiction" in the title to attract some better replies.

He has learned to express himself sexualy without having much emotional involvement in the process, and that carries over in to his relationship with you. I had an EXTREMELY mild case of this, and was "cured" by reading "The Sexual Man", by Hart. While I think the two of you reading it together would be helpful, I kind of doubt if it would be sufficient.

I believe Penny Tupy at saveyourmarriagecentral.com is very knowledgable on sexual addiction issues, too, so you might try to contact her. She posts here at MB with the screen name "Cerri".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he des not see any problem with him looking at porn. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he see a problem with hurting you? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I explain to him why it hurts? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't. Why it hurts is irrelevant, really. It hurts. You, and most other women in the world.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

If you want to take off your rings, that is what you feel, fine. Ask for his ring too, and then put them both in a box and bind them with a ribbon. Tell him that you can't feel close to him while he is doing porn, but that you are married to him and he to you and this box will be your marriage vows and when he has broken this addiction, then you will have a wonderful celebration and open the box and put your rings back on. But don't distance yourself from your husband. To lick this addiction (and THAT is what it is), he will need you there for him. He DOES NOT need to be given ultimatiums, he will need you to help him with emotional, intellectual, and yes, sexual support.

I know...I have been and am addicted. I have been going to a very good, Christian based, web site called www.SettingCaptivesFree.com. There is also a web site called www.bebroken.com that has a LOT of links for this problem. SCF also has a program for spouses of addicts.

This will be a long haul...but you can start getting results right away! There will be backsliding, but just because he backslides doesn't mean he isn't trying. Praise his successes, reward him for trying, make him feel loved, needed, wanted. He can lick this, but he has to really want to more than he wants to sin (and that's what it is). He has to be convicted of this sin, to be broken of it, and then he can be a better husband to you than ever before.

He will need you to be there for him and with him. If you withdraw now, it will only force him farther into this. Love him...comfort him...and draw him back to you and away from this. He is in as much Fog as any adulterer. His sex partner is the computer screen. You need to Plan A him....and he needs to eliminate all access. There are plenty of ways to make him accountable. He wants to quit. He wouldn't have told you time and again he was stopping if he didn't want to quit. Now, HELP HIM QUIT! He can quit, if you and he and Christ make a covenant with your marriage to keep the marriage bed pure, if he commits to being the faithful, pure husband you deserve.

Remember, it is his sin, he decided to do this, but just as in an affair, there is something more here. Some of this has to do with things in your marriage that has allowed him to take this step. Read the things on this site, get HNHN and LB and do the questionaires. This is the first step. You can have a better marriage and sex life that ever before...take the first step now.

I do comfort him s much as I can. I told him this morning that I will help him but he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. I keep telling him that I love him and I want us not to hurt. I tell him that this hurts me and in turn I get short tempered and backslash at him.
He does not think it is a problem. I hug him and tell him that I am here for him.
He tells me he loves me too. I can tell he feels bad when he sees me cry every few hours. All he says is that he is going to try to stop. I just don't believe him. He is a man true to his word and he broke a very important promise to me.
He tells me that there are amny wives and women out there that are ok with their husbands looking at porn. That there is nothing wrong with it.
I can't deal with so much pain and hurt. I don't know what to do anymore.

Confused79,

FIrst, please understand that I am and was EXACTLY where your husband is. And this is what is called FOG TALK.

Second, understand that this addiction IS NOT about YOU! You could be the most amazingly beautiful woman on earth (and believe it or not, you husband may see you as that...I see my wife that way), and he will still be addicted. This is about HIS weakness, and HIS need, and HIS addiction. YOU are his wife. YOU are hurt by this. THAT is enough reason for him to give it up. But HE is too weak to give it up on his own. He needs help. But he is trying to justify this. Ask him this...if he were doing something to hurt you physically, would that signal a problem in the marriage. Answer: Absolutely. There is NO difference in doing something to hurt you emotionally. And NONE of those women that approve of or contenance porn are in the marriage with him...YOU are. And you WILL NOT accept it, because it WILL DESTROY the intimacy of your marriage. I say that because IT HAS done that to my marriage. I am now trying with all the strength that my faith in Christ can give me, to GET MY MARRIAGE and MY WIFE back! He can too...but he has to make the decision to come back. Plan A....make him WANT to come back. Don't accept FOG TALK as truth. There is in him the need to come back...he has shown that by things he has said. Justifying porn is his way of protecting himself from the pain, and most likely, the failure of trying to rid himself of porn. Men DO NOT like to fail, and he has by not freeing himself. But HE IS ALSO FAILING AS A HUSBAND. Tell him, again and again, you will help him and be there for him, you want him to BE FREE, to BE YOUR HUSBAND again. DO NOT let this destroy your self-esteem, you will need you. YOU HAVE WORTH. Your husband has made a mistake. Help to direct him back to you, lead him home. It will not be easy, but nothing in life that is worthwhile is. It is work, but ultimately you CAN have the marriage God intends you to have. Do the best you can, be the best wife you can for your husband, and LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE IN GOD'S HANDS!

I understand what you're saying. He doesn't believe he has a problem though. he says he will try to stop because it hurts me not because it is a problem. When its put in those words for me it still hurts.

How can I make him see that it is a problem?

I am 100% percent there for him. I told him this morning that I wanted to help him and i would try my best. He said he doesn't need my help because he doesn't have a problem.

What then?

There is plenty of love between us but we're not seeing eye to eye on this. I believe that until he realizes it is a problem he is going to keep on going back to it over and over. Not night after night but in spurts.

What i don't understand is that he tells me that my sex drive is way higher than his. Isn't it usually the other way around? I think he belives that once a week with me is enough. I don't. Then of course that leads me to believe that he's online looking at porn.

He told me this morning to have faith. I had faith all the other times and that didn't help.

Do you have any suggestions for trying to make him understand that it is a problem?

This is the analogy I made to him this morning:
If I were to sleep around with different people but I BELIEVED it was ok to do so then nothing is wrong with it. He said it was different.

I also told him that maybe I should tell a pastor that we both know and maybe he could help us/him or tell family members so they could help us also since he thought it is ok forhim to look at porn. At this point he told me that he would be very angry with me if I did that. So I asked him, "If you think it's ok, then why don't you want people to find out about it?" He didn't answer. He simply stayed quiet.

So, how do I make him see his problem? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Unfortunately, you can't make him see his problem - he has to see it himself. At times my H can see it - and then he can't. All I can tell you is I keep on trying. But I do know this - if that window of opportunity opens and he does admit his problem - TAKE ADVANTAGE RIGHT AWAY - before he slips back into the fog.

And, I can tell you this, pornography addiction can get worse and involve more and more or your H's time and emotional well being. In some cases it can lead to A's.
Try reading books by Patrick Carnes - he has a website too - Sexhelp.com.

In the Harley book 'Love Busters' there's an interesting section (pages 235-237) with regards to a case similar to yours. You may want to consider printing it and giving it to your H to read. Here it is, I hope it helps you open his eyes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Sex Should Always Be Shared.

Whenever a client tells me her husband is impotent, I'm a little suspicious. While I've treated many men who were truly impotent, more often than not the problem turns out not to be impotence at all, but rather excessive masturbation.

I once counseled a man who brought himself to ten climaxes each day. By the time his wife wanted to make love, he was sexually exhausted! When he stopped masturbating, he had absolutely no problem at all making love to her.

But that wasn't Jerry's problem. He could do both. If Jane, his wife, ever wanted to make love, he was ready and able. He initiated lovemaking on a regular basis himself. But every once in a while she would discover evidence that he'd been masturbating. It offended her deeply - so much so that she made an appointment for marriage counseling.

When Jerry discussed this problem with me, he couldn't understand why she was so upset. "Why should she care if I masturbate? We make love whenever she wants, don't we? And I'm an excellent lover besides. What's her problem?"

Jane had explained to him that she wanted all of his sexual feelings to be shared with her. She felt that his masturbation was like a mistress, and she didn't want to share his sexual feelings with anyone else - even a fantasy.

I explained to Jerry that whenever he masturbated, he was doing something that he enjoyed but that Jane hated. Her alternative suggestion wasn't unreasonable either: She was willing to make love to him anytime he wanted.

Then came the real dilemma. Jerry confessed that he enjoyed masturbation more than he enjoyed sex with his wife. He wasn't sure if he could stop doing it.

Masturbation had become such a pleasurable experience for him that sex with his wife was sometimes boring in contrast. He made love to her out of duty and did a good job of it, but he looked forward to masturbating more than anything else. He felt that since no other woman was involved, it was okay for him to develop a sexual habit that brought him so much pleasure.

But he actually had another lover: himself! Jane had good reason to feel jealous. Some of the effects of an affair were developing in his marriage: He was robbing his wife of some of the very best feelings he could have towards her, sexual feelings. All those love units that could have been deposited in her account were squandered.

Besides, many married men I've counseled with sexual perversions - such as making obscene telephone calls and exposing oneself in public - were addicted to masturbation. Their embarrasing and illegal perversions could have been avoided if they had limited their sexual experiences to those they could enjoy with their wife. In fact, some of the most remarkable cures I've witnessed for deviant sexual conduct was with men who made their wife a permanent fixture in the sex room of their imaginary house. I recommended to Jerry that if at all possible, sexual feelings be reserved for marital lovemaking. He should avoid sexual fantasies if they didn't involved his wife, he should avoid sexual arousal if his wife were not present, and he should never experience a climax unless it was while making love to his wife.

In this case my recommendations were followed, and Jerry was able to overcome his habit of masturbating. He knew this Love Buster offended Jane, but he done it anyway because he enjoyed it so much. In other words, he gained pleasure at her expense. When he decided to protect her feelings, he stopped masturbating. It also may have prevented him from developing an embarrasing sexual perversion. But most important, it helped build romantic love for both of them."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank You for the excerpt. We came to an agreement today. We still don't see eye to eye on this because he doesn't think there is anyting wrong with him looking at porn except for the fact that it hurts me. If it didn't hurt me then he would continue.
In any case, he agreed that he would try his best not to look at porn if I did not erase any of his mail. I've been earasing all the porn e-mails he gets.

I still don't have my wedding bands on. I feel like he doesn't care whether I wear them or not.

How can I trust him? How do I know that he won't break his promise again?

He tells me that when he can't stay aroused(i.e. hard) that it is because he wants to pleasure me but doesn't want any himself. Am I looking too much into this? This just happened twice this week. I don't have any recollection of having occurred in the past.

Thanks for all of your help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can I trust him? How do I know that he won't break his promise again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't because he did not make a solemn promise to you to stop his activities for good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He tells me that when he can't stay aroused(i.e. hard) that it is because he wants to pleasure me but doesn't want any himself. Am I looking too much into this? This just happened twice this week. I don't have any recollection of having occurred in the past.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh give me a break! I'm a man and that has to be one of THE most lamest of excuses that a man can give to the woman he is supposed to love and protect above all others, his wife. The reason why he can't stay aroused is because of his compulsive masturbation to porn, which ends up sapping his sexual energies and makes him unable to make love to you.

You obviously can't force him to respect your feelings and stop his 'activities' BUT you can most certainly make the point to him that eventually his doings will be the death of the marriage. Not as a threat, but a simple statement of fact.

He has not has access to be by himself with a computer in these past days. Or even be by himself. He has been trying to confort me since the last time, which was last Saturday. I feel that it is me because I know that he hasn't been online because we've been together every waking moment. Could be that confronting this problem is making him this way? I tell him that he still arouses me. I told him that this evening. He tried but nothing. I tried to seduce him but nothing. We had a heavy discussion earlier about all this and he said he feels unconfortable having sex with me after we talk about our problem. Should I be thankfull that he even tried? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

About him promising. He feels that since he promised me once and broke it that there his word is no longer valid with me. He told me that if he promised me I would tell him that I don't believe him since we've been down this road in the past.
?????