Thank you both for your responses.
I have told him that he should not be anywhere near where she is. But the fact that he says he's not afraid to run into her bothers me immensly. How do I know he won't now go there without me knowing. After all he was being nice to me at home even when the A was going on. I know I should talk to him more indepth about it but he doesn't like to talk about it. He doesn't understand that so many things trigger my memory and emotions. And I don't know if it is possible that he could put in behind him so easily.
Isn't honesty also part of the agreement? He has never said what caused the A to happen. I believe it was more IN than EN and our intimate relationship I believe was very nomal and good. Should I ask him or let it be. He doesn't want to go to counselling. I went 2 times myself. Once before he admitted it because I could barely function knowing inside that he was lying. and I went once after. Maybe I should of continued.

Thank you both for your responses.
I have told him that he should not be anywhere near where she is. But the fact that he says he's not afraid to run into her bothers me immensly. How do I know he won't now go there without me knowing. After all he was being nice to me at home even when the A was going on. I know I should talk to him more indepth about it but he doesn't like to talk about it. He doesn't understand that so many things trigger my memory and emotions. And I don't know if it is possible that he could put in behind him so easily.
Isn't honesty also part of the agreement? He has never said what caused the A to happen. I believe it was more IN than EN and our intimate relationship I believe was very nomal and good. Should I ask him or let it be. He doesn't want to go to counselling. I went 2 times myself. Once before he admitted it because I could barely function knowing inside that he was lying. and I went once after. Maybe I should of continued.

PM: Get "Surviving an Affair". Read it TOGETHER with your husband. Do ALL the suggested exercises. Many, if not all, of your questions will be answered by the time you are done.

Possible scenario...

"Honey (sweetie, or other term of endearment) you mean a great deal to me and our marriage gives me great joy. I have been hurt and feel betrayed by your A. It affected me more than you realize I think. This will take me quite a while to get over (maybe a year maybe longer...insert your timeline here). I need to talk with you about it as thoughts pop up. I know you don't want to talk about it because you are dealing with it also. But talking about it helps me get over it and closer to forgiveness. I also want to work on our marriage, to make it stronger, and that includes finding out how an A was possible and not to make it possible for another A. I beleive if I could better fulfill your needs then another woman could not take my place. I am willing to try. I need to know what needs I can fulfill. I have a questionnaire for you to fill out (Emotional Needs Questionnaire is available from the website) and I will fill one out also. You will get a better idea of what's important to me too. I love you and want to make a better marriage. This is my idea of how we can do this. Do you have any ideas of how we can make our marriage stronger?"

This is a clear, level-headed, not in the moment, rehearsed example. Do you think he would go for it? Some statements would make him mad? Would it be easier to say something like this in a letter or in person.

I hope this helps.

Still Here Making It.

Thanks for the advice. Another thing I read on one of the postings is needing honesty to re-establish trust and intimacy. This is how I feel. I'm also going to look for the book Surviving an affair as John 39 recommended.
You discovered your H's affair the same time as me. Allthough my H wasn't addictied to porn he is a workaholic and obsessed with physical fitness another type of addiction.
I have many questions written down and plan to bring this up with him soon. I am just afraid of his response. Wish me luck.

Hope things went well.

It almost worked too well for me. I gave my H the opportunity to come clean about all the transgressions he may have had over the time we were married (without yelling or getting mad, a get-out-of-jail-free-type of situation). He told me of times over the past 10 years he had asked women to lunch, gave them flowers, chatted on-line. It was not pleasant to hear, but it gave me hope he could be honest.

Things have worked out pretty well for us so far, but I think we were both ready. I have made HUGE changes since that time, which I attribute to how and why things are going so well. He's also made some changes too. We're still plugging along, and I still make mistakes. I catch myself and apologize as quickly as I can.

I wrote to someone recently that I have retracted my tiger claws and I have become a purring kitten.

I wish that things will work out for you too. Sometimes when things get very serious for awhile we run off and have some fun, like kite flying, playing miniature golf, etc. It helps us both relax.

I still have not asked my H the list of questions I have. I did however just order Surviving an Affair, it will be here by next Fri. I don't know if I should wait for the book or go ahead and have the discussion first. Their seems to have been no right time especially with Mothers Day last weekend. I hope he can understand that I need to here the truth. I think he believes that bringing it up is pointless.

Something new,
I had noticed months ago that my H had registered to this site but I never thought much about it and I didn't use the computer much then. Today I found his posting, he only posted 2x back in Oct. in the Conflict Resolution.
We had a big fight back then because he thought that I had a thing for my good friends H. I think he thought that we had an A. Totally blew me away because I never even condsidered such a thing. I was very angry that he wouldn't believe me. Have you ever tried to convince someone that your not lying when they believe you are. The only thing that I can think is that I had a little too much to drink at a party one night and I was dancing with friends H(also a friend of my H). This man did come on a little strong later in the evening. He begged me to kiss him and I refused. I told him he was drunk and that we were both married and all friends and he would feel silly in the morning. I never told my H about this until recently. I don't know if he still thinks there was something going on or not. I would never have entertianed the idea but I know there is people out there that would. I have never cheated on my H.
Anyway, someone responded that my H should follow his instinct and keep me and this man apart. Our friendship with these people has deteriorated since when we had been such good friends with these people.
Someone responded that he try to give me more attention and maybe go away for a weekend, wich I tried 2x but plans fell through because of an illness and death in his family.
He also said that I didn't give him enough attention. However he was rarely ever home and when he was he just wanted to play(in bed). Well I wanted to me more than just someone who just sits here waiting for him and please him when he comes home. So how does he fix this problem? He spends more time away and then has an A. If he had only read the articles on this site instead of just using the discussion forum to vent his frustration one night...

I know I probably don't make much sense right now but having just read his old posting brought this all back to me and I wonder if his insane jealousy was part of the cause to his A. This makes me so angry because I have never thought of having an A least of all with my friends H.

Any take on this

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: prayingmantis ]</small>

Just goes to show you there are two sides to every story. If you had written the same story, I think you would have gotten the same feedback.

Here's a question for you. You seemed very defensive and angry when your H confronted you with the transgression, was there a part of you that felt guilty...maybe enjoyed it...maybe liked thinking the OM was there if you needed him. I know I would have.

I think it is very easy to fall into A, easier than people think, and if you think you're immune...watch out. I have never been unfaithful but surprised my FWH by telling him that given the right circumstances (the right amount of beverages, hurt, and complements) I would cheat too. I think anyone would.

Not giving you a hard time, just defending the advice he got. I think a H or W mostly has the right to question the relationship with someone outside of M (unless it becomes a form of abuse and control).

Honest and truly I never even considered having an A with this man. These people were good friends. We even went on holidays together. He did try to kiss me when he was drunk but to this day I don't even know if he remembers this. Being slightly intoxicated myself I still was able to push him away and laugh it off. I did in hindsight however think how things might of looked to my H that night. I was dancing with this man but I danced the same way with his wife and half the other people that were there. I also danced with my H probably for the first time because he doesn't like dancing. And I must say that we really never party like this or go out to bars or anything it was just a last minute get together that we had at our house at the end of summer. I think it was actually the first time in our marriage we actually threw a party.
To answer your question, I never felt anything about this other man being their for me. I was friends with him and his wife and that is it. I knew he found me attractive wich was flattering but I sometimes felt sorry for his W(my friend)because she was over weight(she has lost alot of weight since) and I worried about her feelings.
As for my defensiveness and anger, it only came after he refused to believe me and punched a whole in my wall. I had absolutely nothing to hide and am not ashamed of anything.
We have stayed in contact with my friend as she is a neighbor and our kids go to school together. I had just her over last weekend and her and my H discussed getting together for a bbq this weekend. My H seems right into these plans while I have totally avoided the subject. How do I go there for a bbq and avoid looking at her H just in case mine starts to freak out again.
I almost wish I did have an A of some sort to admit to so that I could hurt him back but I have never even had an EA with anyone.I have done nothing but support my H and take care of our family and our house. He has had outside activities always and I never have. I should at least be able to have fun when we get together with friends without worrying if my face lights up to much when I talk to someone.
I shouldn't have to defend myself when I have nothing to defend myself for. After everything that has happened believe me I would admit to any wrongdoing if there was anything at all to admit to.