RR, It probably is best you don't post all your inner feelings where Ali can read them. If I had to read what my H's true feelings were back a few months ago, I think I would have lost my mind. I know what his feelings were, he tells me in a sterile manner. I can handle that. If I would have had to have read what Ali is reading, I would have been in a much different place.

My ow is not much better of a person than the one you were with. Pretty sorry sort. He is way over her, he is extremely sorry. There was a time where he defended her, he now can't believe he felt the way he did. If I would have had to read his real feelings then....

Neither of you are in recovery, you are in the thick of it. You both need to find a person you connect with(same sex) on her and privately email with them. Have a support person to hear the negative, and then you can focus on the positive at home.

I am really glad to hear about the counseling you all are getting. With that, you may be able to heal together.

I JUST MISS TEXAS SO MUCH.....IT WASN'T THE OW SO MUCH AST WAS THE JOB, PEOPLE, WEATHER AND FRIENDS I WAS MAKING.

THE OW HELPED WITH THE ADJUSTMENT, ALTHOUGH FAKE AND YES IN THE END, SHE DID TURN OUT TO BE A MONSTER.

I AM STRUGGLING EVERYDAY NOW FOR THE JOB THAT I LOVED AND THE FEELINGS I NEVER EXPERIENCED WITH BEING IMPORTANT AT WORK.

THE JOB IN TEXAS WILL IMPACT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. FOR 8 MONTHS, AT LEAST I EXPERIENCED INNER HAPPINESS WITH MYSELF AND I PROVED THAT I WAS NOT A LOSER.

I GUESS WE ALL NEED TO FEEL LIKE WINNERS AND WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL HAPPY.

SINCE I HAVE SUCH A TERRIBLE, CRIPPLING PAST, MAYBE MY HAPPINESS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WILL BE FOR THE 8 MONTHS IN TEXAS.

I WAS SOMEONE.

RR, I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV. Now that I have given you the disclaimer, Let me tell you that you are wrapping waaaay too much of yourself up in that job. I don't doubt it was a great job, I don't doubt Texas is a wonderful place. It is done, you aren't there, you don't have the job. Move on. If you can get out of your funk, you can be happy again.

My husband despises his job. He has the second to top position, he is respected, he does a very good job. He hates it. He found happiness there for awhile, a fantasy land with Ow. He is back in reality. You are not your job. You are not your paycheck

I had an epiphany after I had thrown FWH out. I was dancing with the kids to "I will survive". It was about 3 days after I threw him out. I understood during that short song it was up to me to be happy, not my situation, but what I make of it. I told him that night if we divorced, I would still be happy. I would still be able to live and find joy in life. He didn't like it. Not a bit. It is true though. Bad things happen in life, you can't let it destroy you

We are together and probably happier with *each other* than ever. If you open up your mind and let the counselors really help you, you will find happiness. Look at Ali and see all the good you remember in her. See her pain and then just hold her. Let her vent, let her release it. Then you can.

Affairs suck for everyone.

THE JOB HAS ALWAYS SHAPED ME AND MADE ME FEEL IMPORTANT/CONFIDENT.

AFTER ALL OF THE FAILURES, THIS JOB IN TEXAS WAS THE ONE THING THAT WAS GOING RIGHT FOR ME.

EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS ABLE TO FEEL HAPINESS FOR AN EXTENDED AMOUNT OF TIME!!! WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED THAT???

IT'S NOT FAIR................

ALL OF THE WARM STROKES CAME FROM THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE. THEY REALLY LIKED ME/RESPECTED ME.

GO AHEAD AND RIP ONTO ME BUT I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE AN UNHAPPY PERSON.

SO MUCH SADNESS AND TRAGIDY!!!

I FEEL SO EMPTY SO ALONE. WANT TO HELP MY WIFE BUT CANNOT.

SELFISH....TOO!!!

get out now! work on you. until you do, your marriage has about a snowballs chance in hot place.

do you realize that as much as you are mourning and suffering, your wife is doing it as well? she's mourning the death of a man she thought she could trust, the end of life as she knew it, and all with a guy who can't see beyond himself. either you work together or you fall apart. you either decide you want this marriage and actually work on it instead of just obsessing on everything wrong, or realize you're not emotionally ready at this time to even try and work on yourself first. either way, you need help now.

RR, it isn't fair it cost me 25k to have kids when horrible people have healthy beautiful children and take them for granted

It isn't fair that one of my children had a horrible cord accident at birth and almost didn't survive. It isn't fair that he will have to go through surgeries and may never walk without a limp

It isn't fair that my husband had an affair that so devastated me that I lost 20lbs. That brings me to 100lbs right now. Heck, I lost 10lbs in one week.

Life isn't fair. It is what you make of what you are given.

I take great pride in my children. I have a great appreciation for them and the struggle I went through. I grew as a person in many ways

I thank God for how well my son does, for how smart he is and how much he has beaten the odds. He is a walking talking miracle. I am so blessed for his normality. I could cry for what he has to go through, but instead I take great joy in his amazing against all odds self.

H's affair has changed our marriage. I could dwell on how he screwed another woman. I could dwell on his terrible choice and what it almost did to us. Instead, I see what good it has brought. It has taken us to a new level of closeness. It has changed everything for the better. It was a choice. Not anything else.

You now have the choice to get yourself well. You know have the choice to do alot of things. You can wallow in your misery or you can change yourself and move on.

There are alot of worse things in life than losing a job. ALOT.

Not if your happiness and your self worth has always been mearured on how well you provide and are performing at work.

My wife Alli blames my Dad on my values in life when it comes to work.

Alli is hurting even more now but the way we solve things is so counter productive.

We need counciling or some other couple nearby that has experienced what we are going thru.

For me, the worst part is letting go.

I just am so scared and so afraid.

And Texas.....I stand by my early statement. I loved it there. BUT WHAT CAN I DO NOW????

RR,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THE JOB HAS ALWAYS SHAPED ME AND MADE ME FEEL IMPORTANT/CONFIDENT.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will never have control over these things. You were respected and admired for what you knew and how you handled your responsibilities. The job just allows you to display those qualities. You don't lose them when you leave a job. Your qualities (while you always take with you) are the things that define you. When you let things you have no control over determine who you are, you will always be held back. Your belief system is a bit out of kilter.

Randy, it's time to take a step forward. The time you spend on Texas, you could be spending helping Ali take some pressure off of her. Do something for her, even if it is small.

While I don't agree with the way kristawny communicates what she has to say, I do agree that you need to move forward. Whether it's to heal yourself or to heal your M, you need to move some direction.

Remember, the job only brings out the qualities the are already inside you. You can display those qualities at home and I can tell you; you will get the same respect.

I also think you should pray together. Wonderful things happen when a couple pray together. That I can guarantee.

I am praying for both of you too. May God bless your M as you seek Him to fix what He has designed for you.

S&C

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

You are not your job!

You are a FANTASTIC person that is willing to come here and work on his M, not give up, work hard...and many other things.

You didn't feel all THAT great in Texas or you wouldn't have been vulnerable to an A. Texas wasn't all that great because you still had to live with yourself.

Ever heard the expression, no matter where you go, there you are? No matter where you go you can/will/won't be happy. Situations do not make us happy or unhappy, it's our own mind that decides if we are going to be happy. You have received the wrath, stomping, yelling, persuading of so many people because we know YOU HAVE ALL THE SKILLS TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY! Just Do It!

You are feeling worthless and guilty and want to get back to the last place you felt less ashamed...before the A...in Texas. Remember that time you were happy, it wasn't the situation, it was what YOU felt about yourself and what you thought about YOU. DO that again! Begin patting yourself on the back for the GOOD you're doing!

I hate to see you stomp yourself into the ground, NO ONE deserves that, least of all YOU.

And this is a great forum to let loose, but if it's not safe, your anonymity is compromised, then find someone on here (preferably male) you like their advice and email them!

Ali,

Your LBing is making things worse. Please, please, please, read the articles about Love Busting. RR needs to be lifted up to make the house and family a refuge, not a battleground. If you want him to be honest, then allow him to be without rageful consequences. Your angry outbursts may destroy wour M. They almost destroyed M. My H is still afraid of me.

RandyR: 'What can you do' - lots of things!
1-Go find another job - surely you jest when you tell me that job was soooo it - made you feel good, etc. C'mon I KNOW there are OTHER jobs out there just as good.
2- So you love Texas. So do I - that's one of the reasons I moved here. Just don't go to McAllen again. Dallas/Fort Worth is about the largest MetroPlex here - come here and find work. There are thousands of companies here - large ones. Get out of this funk and either: GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING!!! Right now, you're dying! Put a lid on it, grab a pair, get your wife and kids and move on! Life awaits - go for it!
Harold

We have learned a long time ago that prayer does not help.

You know, my ideas of marriage and a "happy" family all ended when I had the affair. It came crashing down...the realities of it all. You go from no responsibilities living on your own to coming home to a messy house, kids wanting attention and a wife that is ready to give you the kids, the dirty laundry and cleaning up the house....etc.

I'm sure Kristnwy will have a field day here as I am sure the rest of you will too. Perhaps that's why it was all a fantasy.

I should have had a responsibility to my family for being faithful.

I used to think I WOULD NEVER PUT MYSELF IN A POSITION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!

IT HAPPENED AND NOW THAT IT HAS.....I AM SO SORRY!!!!!

I LOST EVERYTHING THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME!!!! INCLUDING MY WIFE!!!

WHAT DOES PRAYER DO???

I DO HAVE A POSITION NOW/I AM WORKING. IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I WAS DOING/LOVED IN MCALLEN.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY WITH A MAJOR FOOD DISTRIBUTOR. HOPEFULLY I WILL BE DOING THINGS SIMILAIR TO WHAT I LOVED IN MCALLEN.

YOU KNOW CHAT GROUP.....I THOUGHT GOD GAVE ME ONE LAST CHANCE TO HELP ME IN MCALLEN WITH THE POSITION I ACCEPTED.

CHAT GROUP....I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH THAT POSITION!! SAVED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, IMPROVED ORDER FORECASTING, DEVELOPED CHARTS AND MODELS, IT REALLY WAS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!

SO HARD TO LET GO OF SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY LOVED.

LOOK WHAT IT COST ME........everything.

I have lost 15lbs and now am a waist size of 35.

I DO HAVE A POSITION NOW/I AM WORKING. IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I WAS DOING/LOVED IN MCALLEN.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY WITH A MAJOR FOOD DISTRIBUTOR. HOPEFULLY I WILL BE DOING THINGS SIMILAIR TO WHAT I LOVED IN MCALLEN.

YOU KNOW CHAT GROUP.....I THOUGHT GOD GAVE ME ONE LAST CHANCE TO HELP ME IN MCALLEN WITH THE POSITION I ACCEPTED.

CHAT GROUP....I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH THAT POSITION!! SAVED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, IMPROVED ORDER FORECASTING, DEVELOPED CHARTS AND MODELS, IT REALLY WAS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!

SO HARD TO LET GO OF SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY LOVED.

LOOK WHAT IT COST ME........everything.

I have lost 15lbs and now am a waist size of 35.

Randy,you did not do everything right in that position, you slept with a co-worker. Most companies have a very strict no fraternization policy. They kept her on because women are more likely to sue for sexual harrasment, she sounds like the type to do just that. You would still have that job if you had done everything right..

Maybe God is giving you one more chance to learn how to love, to find him and lean on him.

What you do now, with the situation you have, is up to you. The one thing about prayer, it never hurts and they have studies done in Hospitals that it does have a scientific healing power

RR,

I've been following your posts. You wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SO HARD TO LET GO OF SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY LOVED.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think about what you just wrote... what does this statement say about your Wife? From your moaning about over the OW and your "dream job" down in TX, it sure sounds like it wasn't very hard to let go of your wife...

You need to take some responsiblity for your own actions and start being the best husband and father that you can... Before your W gives up and you find yourself all alone.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

***************WOULD YOU ALL HELP US??********

IF ANY OF YOU WOULD BE OPEN TO CALLING US OR E-MAILING US THIS WEEKEND OR ANYTIME FOR SUPPORT, WOULD YOU BE WILLING????????

THIS IS GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE HOLIDAY WEEKEND AND IN FACT, A HORRIBLE 7-8 WEEKS AHEAD OF US.

ONE YEAR AGO, I BEGAN THE INTERVIEW PROCESS WITH THE RECRUITER FOR THE POSITION IN TEXAS. IN FACT, NEXT MONTH, IN JUNE, I WOULD HAVE FLOWN DOWN THERE 2X.

ALLI IS DOING HORRIBEL RIGHT NOW. SHE NEEDS SOME COMFORT FROM OTHERS IN THE SAME POSITION. I NEED IT TOO!!!!!

**************************************************

OUR HOUSE IS WITHOUT LOVE RIGHT NOW. WE CAN'T WORK ON EACHOTHER BECAUSE OF THE KIDS, THE JOB AND WE WIND UP ARGUING IN THE END.

WE NEED ALOT OF PRAYERS THIS WEEKEND!!!!

post your email and I will correspond with you and your wife

Horsey2870@aol.com

Hi Randy,

Kids = Messy houses

I saw a saying once, Shoveling snow while it is snowing makes as much sense as trying to have a clean house with kids in it.

If you saw my house you would probably shreik. I'm sure your house with kids is probably alot cleaner than mine. I was the major cleaner in the house. I went back to school so, guess what slid, the housework. If H wanted it clean, he would have to do it. I was working fulltime and going to school. We are now trying to get it clean. I have a rule, if you left it there, you had better pick it up. If I do, it will find its way into the trash. I am nobodys slave and I do not pick up behind anyone. If you have two working legs, and two working arms, I expect help. I will not be a slave to housework.

My kids will not remember me for how well I kept the house clean or if they can see their faces in the plates. I want to be a mom, once a week or two, I go on a rampage to make everyone clean. Otherwise, it would be a total disaster. They have to learn some sense of responsibility

As far a dirty laundry goes, unless you spend all your time naked, there will be dirty laundry, just a fact of life. It is reality of life.

Randy, there is a reason why fantasy is called fantasy, it should be left as a fantasy because there is nothing real about it. As imperfect as my life is, I would not trade it for a fantasy life if it meant losing what I have.

Yah, I sure know about kidZ and messy houses! Add to the mix a couple of dogs and 2 cats and you got a recipe for a REAL MESS...
Life is fun - live it to the full, mess or no mess.
Still praying for y'all.
Harold