RR

"REVENGE AND THE FEELINGS OF HATRED CONTINUE...."

Before I sign off for the week chat group, I need to be fair and honest with all of. I figure I might as well now!!!

I read
"I am going to gloat over my childish act and seek your apporval."

===========================================
"What would happen if you were a woman who had just had two office affairs with two married men, the company/managers knew and you alreadt received a written warning rgearding your behavior to one of the Managers for threatening him/unprofessional behavior."

I might feel that I had taught the egotistical, prima dona, yankee that he wasn't gods gift to Texas and the company. I might even laugh about his fall from his peacock strutting to his firing when it was learned that he with all his education was truly worth less to the company that a lowly local high school graduate.
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"What would happen if you received a letter three months later from the local area, annomous,that was titled "Stay AWay FROM MY HUSBAND" and the letter pretty much stated, "The entire company knows that you are the company slut/whore and that you carry on at work like "nothing happened?,"

I might just shake my head in pity, and laugh at the poor idiot who had no more courage than to hide behind his wifes skirt when he was trying to make me look bad. I would also realise that he was only showing the world what I had learned about him before I dropped him for a real man.
============================================

"BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPPEN IF YOU ALSO FOUND OUT THAT 12 MANAGERS RECEIVED THE SAME LETTER BUT THE OUTSIDE OF THE ENVELOP WAS ADDRESSED TO THE MANAGERS AS WELL."

I would see it as just more proof of his immaturity and stupidity.
=========================================

"IN OTHER WORDS, THE ENTIRE STAFF RECEIVED A LETTER ADDRESSED TO THE SLUT WHO HAD THE AFFAIR???"

I might feel that I had some importance if I was worthy of telling the entire world about. I would also probably have to accept the condolences of my co-workers and supervisors because I was being harrasses or stalked by a psychopath.
========================================

"WOULD SHE FEEL EMBARRASSED??? WOULD MAMAGEMENT OR HR GET INVOLVED AND CALL THE POLICE???"

If they act as they should, you will be served with a restraining order shortly. If she is intelligent she will also seek the advice of an attorney and sue you for all she can get.
===========================================

"WOULD THEY ASK HER (THE SLUT) TO "JUST FORGET IT" IT WAS ALL A JOKE, PROBABLY FROM ME???"

No they should advice her to sue you. And they should also bring legal action against you.
==========================================

"I LIVE IN ILLINOIS."

That does not make you immune to the laws of any state that you have commited an illegal act in
==============================================

"THE POST OFFICE STAMP SAYS "MCALLEN"."

Now it is a matter of using the mails to harrass people. Ah, a federal offence.
============================================

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN????"

If it were me! You would be facing some serious legal repercussions.
============================================

Randy you have been fired from every job you ever had. Obviously you haven't learned anything from your experiences so I am sure that the upcomming job will be just another in the string of jobs that someone else will have caused you to loose. Just like in dammaging your marriage, you can not see that any of the job lossses were due to your faults, so I don't think that there is any sense in further attmpts to help you.

Untill you decide to act in a responsible and mature manner you will never hold a job longer than it takes management to learn of your true colors. As far as Ali soes, if she stays with you I simply feel pity for the children. They are helpless in this situation, where she has the optiion of being intelligent enough to walk away and divorce you.

fudd.

I hope RandyR comes back from his Job Interview a little different than when he left. Have y'all been following the other thread by his Wife: "RE: RANDYRAIL" also on this Board? Sounds like Mr. Randy needs to give his wife some equal time for talking and cut the sarcasm on his part. RandyR, you've got to LISTEN to your wife when she needs to talk and/or vent - it's part of healing process. Communication is sooooo important between husband & wife and if that is blocked or partially blocked, then it puts up a wall between you. You wife loves you and she wants to make this work so you two can move forward with life. You have a golden opportunity that so many wandering spouses don't have - please don't waste it! You are beginning to start in the right direction, please don't throw rocks in your path by not giving your wife time to talk and by listening to her. She is a severely wounded soul who is crying out for help from her husband and best friend: YOU. Please don't let her down.
Harold

I agree, this is a GREAT forum to vent. But I think RandyR has used this as his excuse to rail at his wife about his pain. Thats not the point...the point is to vent on here so you don't have to vent with your W.

Respect her enough not to make her face your pain and rejection (which ends up being rejection of her too). It's like he's rubbing her nose in it.

Sarcasm to his wife.
Feeling sorry for himself because his Male Ego has been bruised.
Not listening to his wife.
Spending most of their time talking together venting about what happened to him and crying over spilt milk.
Not giving his wife equal time to vent and pour her feelings out.
RandyR - you got REAL problems! You need to correct this NOW if your Marriage and Recovery has any hope of ever moving forward. You can NOT stay stuck in this rut - you need to 'shake it off' regroup and MOVE ON!!
Harold

Personally, I am keeping a "low" profile/not talking about the opportunity with the position in Chicago or St. Louis. All I know is that there were 3 candidates and two positions.

Nothing happy seems to go our way without a struggle so maybe keeping a low profile/not talking about it will help. When you least expect it, something positive will happen.

Dropping lots of weight, not sleeping continues. The nights of talking on the phone with Ali until 2-3am continue.

Bitterness, hatred, revenge and trying to understand why I did it, torture me.

By the way, "Fudd", your comments were uncalled for.

7 years-2 promotions and a team leadership award @ Food Company "B"

6 years-one promotion at Food Company "A".

2 1/2 years at Company "C".

I would say until "after" company "C", our lives have been a living hell.

Randy

Are you here for help or only for the attention? If it is only attention you are wasting the time of all those people who could be helping someone who really wants it.

There has been nearly 200 new members since you joined, none have recieved even half the attention that you have. They are here asking for help but many pleas are being ignored while your thread is swamped with good advice. Too many have given up and gone elsewhere because they didn't have an exciting story to tell. Just people in pain, no soap opera dramas.

Where are you going to turn to when people grow tired of your crying wolf and not atempting to help yourself? Every soap opera has a new dialog each day because folks don't like reruns. It's about time for a new script to this drama.

fudd.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: fudd ]</small>

I am going to post something for you and your wife..but first I need to say something to you.

I watched you rant and rave on here sounder like a wounded women instead of a man..

you were just as much to blame as the women was.
you did the same to her. you were in in together.
you had sex with each other. the thing is you were lusting after each other..that was not good. did not bring you anything but heartache.
you both are grownups and knew what you were doing but chose to do it anyway.
Sin has a way of finding you out..and that is what happend..

why not leave the past behind you and cling to your wife. you hurt her, if it wasn't that women it would of been somene else who made herself available.

I am sure both you and your wife..she your wife does not want to believe you did it made the choice to do this women but you did..

Randy you chose to do it with her..but now you lost the job..that is the reality of it..all
you are lucky you did not loose your wife and children.

what is it you REALLY are so angry about..it cannot be this wayward women.
You lost the job because you broke the rules..and you cheated because you chose to break your marriage vows.

in the end of life we all die..some sooner some later..all will stand before the judgement seat of Christ..and you cannot blame her. she made me..because you made the decision and it is called
ADULTRY in the grown up world..

stop blaming others..like in the end God will send some to hell..but for now it is not any of your business what happens to her in the real world..
according to Gods word..when you are single you are suppose to do things and think of things of God..and how to please Him.

when you are married you are to look how to please your wife and she you..to cling to each other..are you doing that..noooo..you are both trying to point fingers at the other women..forget about her..she has sinned and probably will continue to lure unsuspecting men to her place.
she is talked about in the bible as the women whose path to her door leads to hell..in proverbs it tells you to get wisdom..ask God for wisdom so you can grow..and learn right from wrong and ask His forgiveness and truly start all over make an effort to get on with your lives stop the drama and move on together..get rid of your anger..get into a church with a program for troubled marriages..they have them..
ok so here is the thing I have on forgiveness..it will help you to let go of your anger..
________ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> it will be your choice_ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
--

Forgiving Yourself and Others

Forgiveness is not an emotion: it is a choice.
The choice doesn't change your feelings any more than your feelings nullify the choice. Making the choice is not the destination. It is only the beginning of the journey toward healing.

Forgiveness does not undo the damage.
It does not sweep the conduct of the consequences under the rug where they will trip you up later. If you want to truly forgive, you must truly deal with your feelings. Acknowledge the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the shame. But because your feelings will change daily, you must choose to anchor yourself in God's Word that never changes.

Forgiveness is a product of God's mercy.
You may not feel you deserve to be forgiven; however, forgiveness is a free gift from God based on the shed blood of Jesus Christ at Calvary. Just as you did nothing to earn the forgiveness that leads to salvation, you can do nothing to earn forgiveness for your sin now. You must choose to accept God's forgiveness and you must choose to forgive yourself. God's Word exhorts you to do so (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Forgiveness is a command.
God never commands us to do something without providing the resources for us to obey Him. It is impossible to obey the command to forgive without relying on God's forgiveness to enable you. Jesus said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). In time He will enable you, through the power of His Holy Spirit, to completely forgive yourself and anyone else who may have played a part in your sin(Philippians 2:13). If you will allow Him, God will work in you to free you from the bondage of guilt, grief and shame.
_______________________________________________

REPENT both of you forget her she is not worth it.
if you want to make your marriage work you need to put each other first after God on your list then your children then you won't have time for messing around with the opposite sex..be happy with the wife of your youth. that is in the bible..listen to God... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Get to work on your family be the leader of your home be the spiritual leader pray and learn what God wants you to do..then do it..you have a wife love her as God loves the church..stop daydreaming about another women because that is lusting after her in your heart it is not right...hope this helps Keep on Keeping on..

RR,

I really hate that you are going through so much pain and are so confused and fogged up... and I've been lurking and reading for quite a while and I just have to say that, unfortunately, I'm going to be one of the first to stop reading this thread and move onto another where I can either help someone, or learn something from them that can help me. You're a drama queen in drag. I think that part of the reason you had the A is because you're addicted to the DRAMA. I think that the reason you've boohoo'd so much in this thread instead of saying... "you know what... I'll try that. It just might work"... is because once you do the drama will fade and you'll be bored. Hell, I wouldn't even be suprised if there is no Ali and Randy... that it's all made up to give you something to do. People come here for help. You have come here for something else. And it's not worth anyone's time to give help that isn't wanted. Your feelings of hatred and revenge are as misplaced as they can be. You are obsessing over something YOU created. For the love of GOD, RR, what were you expecting? For someone to lay down with a MM to have enough moral fiber to.... to do what exactly? What is it you were expecting from this woman? And did you have the right to expect it at all?

When was the last time you posted a question about how you can make up for what you did? How you can help Ali? What you've learned? What you're going to do differently?

THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE DO HERE. THEY ASK FOR HELP... THEY TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT... THEY SHARE VALID FEELINGS AND VENT BECAUSE IT'S THERAPEUTIC... NOT SO THAT SOMEONE CAN VALIDATE PAIN FROM SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS. AND EVENTUALLY RANDY... THEY MOVE ON. THEY DIVORCE OR THEY START MAKING THEIR MARRIAGES BETTER.

I truly feel for someone with your issues. I've defended you... slammed a lot of people who gave you the same thing I'm dishing out to you now (sooooo sorry... believe me... I get it now), and you haven't changed anything about the way you do things. If I were your W, I haul a$$ out of that M as quick as I could because as long as your focus, blame, responsibility and expectations of others has more to do with everyone else than it has to do with you... NOTHING ABOUT YOUR M WILL CHANGE. In fact $100 says there will be another OW in at least 3 years. Someone to stroke your ego and tell you that she would NEVER treat you the way OW#1 would.

I would venture to say that even SH couldn't help you. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED.

Have a nice life and my condolences to your BW and you innocent children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong> The nights of talking on the phone with Ali until 2-3am continue. **ONLY ONE QUESTION HERE: RANDYR, DO YOU TALK WITH ALI ABOUT HEALING,FORGIVENESS AND MOVING ON WITH RECOVERY, OR DO YOU TAKE UP HER TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU CONTINUE TO BEAT YOURSELF UP. LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: LET'S SAY I DROVE MY CAR INTO SOMEBODY ELSE BY RUNNING A RED LIGHT. THEN, I SPEND THE NEXT 3 MONTHS THINKING ABOUT IT, RE-RUNNING IT IN MY MIND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND TALKING WITH EVERYONE ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE WHAT, WHY, WHERE, HOW AND WHEN OF IT. IT IS ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT!
THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING - BEATING YOURSELF UP!!! YOU GOTTA STOP IT AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE BEATING ALI UP AT THE SAME TIME. SHE JUST WANTS TO MOVE ON PAST THIS CRAP AND YOU ARE NOT LETTING HER! IF YOU KEEP UP WITH THIS CURRENT ROAD YOU'RE DRAGGING HER DOWN, ONE DAY, RANDYR - ONE DAY SHE IS GOING TO SAY 'SCREW THIS, I'M OUTTA HERE' AND THEN, MY FRIEND, IT WILL BE TOO LATE! DON'T KEEP TAKING HER DOWN THAT ROAD!!!! BTW, HAVE YOU BEGUN JOINT MARRIAGE COUNSELING YET TOGETHER???**

Bitterness, hatred, revenge and trying to understand why I did it, torture me. ** I THINK SEVERAL OF US EXPLAINED HERE WHY WE THINK YOU DID IT. SO OK, YOU DID IT. YOU KNOW IT WAS WRONG AND YOU'RE SORRY. YOU HAVE PAID THE PRICE FOR IT. LET IT GO. IT'S DONE WITH. NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT FACT. CONTINUING TO BEAT YOURSELF UP WILL DO NOTHING BUT FURTHER ALIENATE YOUR WIFE. YOU'RE FIXING TO LOSE HER IF YOU DON'T CHANGE THE DIRECTION YOU'RE HEADED IN. DON'T SCREW THIS UP, PLEASE. DROP THIS HEAVY LOAD YOU'RE CARRYING AND 'LET GO AND LET GOD' HEAL YOU BOTH. JUST GIVE GOD A CHANCE TO HEAL YOU BOTH: HE IS IN THE BUSINESS OF HEALING THE BROKEN-HEARTED!!!!!**

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Randy, you should go back and re-read all the most excellent advice you've been given on this thread. You continue beating yourself up and trying to figure out 'why did I do this' - why don't you start trying to figure out: 'how can i undo this and begin healing myself and Ali my dear wife'
Harold

Randy,

Here's something I found that may help you and Ali:

Reconciliation

Maybe you and Ali can discuss how.

why is letting go so difficult???? I know that by letting go, it esentially "free's" me as a person from the shakeles and chains of the pain and misery.

why is it that letting go becomes easier for some people and for others...they never are able to recover. With time, the pain, hurt and anger is suppose to go away.....right???? But for me, the pain of the loss(double) is so very real. So very close.

How can I help Ali when the pain inside of me is so hard and so real that sometimes I wonder how sometimes I can get through the day.

Ali, how can I began to work on us when I am not "all there". You know that!!! I am up with you at 2,3,4 am in the morning.

How ironic that the "affair" had such a horrible and devestating impact on us. We sure were fragile BEFORE I left McAllen. Maybe if our relationship was stronger, none of this would of happened.

Ali, you had no part in this. It was ALL because of me. So you know what??????

While we wish a pray that the slut in McAllen gets fired (and it certainly sounds like that is what is going to happen) in reality, I am paying the price for a selfish act of invideleity!!!

HAD I KNOWN THE PAIN, THE SORROW AND THE HURT THIS WOULD CAUSE..........I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT............................NEVER!!!!!!!!

and chat group......The slut in McAllen is now seeing a 23 year old at work. She is 38.

go figure!!!!

It is you that wishes she gets fired!Please stop bringing me into this. Personally, you still wouldn't get your closure if she was fired! You are embarrassed and you didn't have the final say to end the relationship! You are the one who got yourself into being let go! Not that ugly thing! You are not the BS! And I feel that is what you are using this website for! Are you not reading what these caring people are advising you? The married man who was cheating on his wife, got dumped by the OW for some OM! Sorry, but no empathy from me! This site is for rebuilding your marriage!!!!!
Ali! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
And what exactly is it that you are hanging onto?? I think it is time to be honest!!!!!
Your post is a lot different than what you said to me last night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BUMP

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> HAD I KNOWN THE PAIN,
THE SORROW AND THE HURT
THIS WOULD CAUSE..........
I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE it ............................NEVER!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

are you referring to the hurt you are in?

or the hurt you caused ali and the children?

all this time on the message boards take time away from them. your children your wife.t
he more you keep replaying and talking about it you will never be able to put it behind you.

how can your wife even stand to look at you? you make her look at your adulty scenes with you over and over when you see them in your head...

you rub her innocent face in the adultry every time you bring it up..you also call the office where she works to get information and gloat over it..

please stop before ali takes you and has to have you committed for insanity..you are driving Ali Crazy along with yourself..and I am not going to be a part of your sin any more..IT IS SIN..and as long as you continue to cry over it think about it..How is God going to forgive you..when that is not what you want..you cry because your hurt..
by the women you made love to..and now call her a whore..your right she is..but you are a whoremonger..you slept with her..that you are both the same..he and she..male female Randy------don't care what her name is..you are only crying
because she moved on to someone else..give it up..turn her loose..she is not yours she does not belong to you..it does not matter if she does the whole united states marine corp..it is not any of your business..nada none..you need to concern yourself with your WIFE..and children..and beg her forgiveness..and repent..meaning stop turn around and don't look at the women you committed adultry with..she pretended for you..was acting..did not care..so accept that now she is putting on a play for another FOOL that lets him dictate with the head in his pants..instead of the one on his head..RUN she will lead you to hell..
stop dwelling on the past..stop it..I won't be here actually I am so angry with you I don't even want to pray for you..but I think all the prayers of people here are what is keeping ali with you.

we cannot keep you from going to hell..all the prayers won't do that..you need to come to a decision for your life..heaven or hell your choice..let go of the women who will drag you to hell..let go..now..turn around to your wife and both go to God with this problem ask Him for guidence because most people are done talking..you won't listen..

Randy,

You are in an obsessive cycle. I have no idea if you’ve been like this for your entire life, years, months or just through this episode. It’s a symptom of depression or some sort of imbalance. Now either it’s just more of the cycle of bad behavior you have gotten into, of which the affair is just one more bad behavior or… you have a chemical imbalance. Have you seen a doc to determine if some meds would get you out of what to me looks like a depression?

What you are doing here is not a lot different then those folks who wash their hands a hundred times a day to rid themselves of the ‘dirt’ in their lives.

Randy, dear,
Time to take care of the marriage and your wife. I am a BS with a H who uses smoke and mirrors to help himself feel validated. I HATE the self pity crap he throws out there. When he does that, I know that it is still all about him and not about us. Even the "I f**ked up" statement does not help one little bit. We know you f**ked up, it's killing us. We love you so much that we die a little bit inside every time you throw out the pity party invites, knowing that this is only a delay tactic designed to keep you in the past. Time to do some real romancing, to the lady, bless her heart, who said "until death do us part". Time to listen to her pain. Time to say "I know" and "I am truly sorry for the pain and confusion that I caused you". Time to promise that you will NEVER do it again and then DON'T. If she ever questions your trustworthyness again, do not throw it in her face. She has no reason to trust your intentions. Prove to her that you can be trusted and do have your marriage as a priority. Focus on her, and focus on your marriage. GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!! Focus on the future and move on, NOW!!!!
Then, when things are going ion the right direction, talk to my husband and get him on the right track.

o by the way,
DO NOT try to explain to her why you did it.
DO NOT try to blame it all on the OW to your wife's face.
DO NOT, EVER, get going into the self pity crap to her again.
She has had enough, don't you think?

Y'all reckon RandyR bailed on MB? And what about his wife??
DJTB

I was offerred the Logistics Manager position that is only 50 minutes from home, one week ago. The position keeps me in the food industry and should signal the begining of the end as far as not being able to move forward.

Ali and I continue to work on our marriage, although it has been difficult at times. Since I am not even home 4 days out of the week, the only chance is on weekends and with chores around the house, it has been impossible.

I would like the group that did keep in touch with us know a couple of things. Soemtimes you need to push the KARMA. Othertimes, it's best to leave it alone.

Yes, I am haunted almost daily by the memory, but the waking up at 3-4am is going away. Knowing that my wife has pictures of the OW that I will never see again in my lifetime slows the healing process as well.

But I look back at everything that took place in McAllen and I realize that I should never have asked her out on a date and it should never have continued after that. I hate myself for what I did and I just hurt even more because Ali bnever gave up while I was 1500 miles away. She never stopped.

Ali wore her wedding ring today. The first time in two months. I put mine back on 2 weeks ago.

RANDYRAIL,

I gave you a lot of credit ... after all the drama ... LOL !. Yes, you didn't get into A in one second ... it would take time to get out of it and heal your M.
Wish the best of good recovery for both of you. -rh-