Hi RandyR! I'm glad you got work again. I believe you can make this new job everything the other one wasn't and more.
Perhaps you should stop talking and focusing on 'what I lost in Texas' (OW) and begin that Marriage Counseling and Recovery with Ali!
She really wants to make a go of this and put it behind y'all, but telling her stuff like you're still in love with the OW is not right. You're never going to get off Square One with that reasoning!
Harold

Good afternoon RandyRail!

I am not sure why you were waking up at 3-4 in the morning! Anyway, the state of Texas does exist and there is no way to avoid it presence! By avoiding it, you are avoiding your healing with Ali!

So you now realize that Ali was behind you 100%? What is the depressing part? The fact that she gave you unconditional love and support while you lost faith in her? I hope that is guilt you are feeling my friend!

Once again, who cares about Texas! You need to focus on Ali. If she was behind you 100%, you would think that it is time to forget your self absorbed interest that was going down in Texas. It is all about Ali now!

You know what I would do? My wife and I thought of this. Why not renew your vows? Marry her all over again. Go to a retreat that offers wedding packages. I am not talking about justice of the peace. But if that is your style, then go for it! But I would make it a place where women would be swept of their feet! That is my suggestion. And I think it is a pretty good one too! But considering what Ali is going through with the decision of divorcing you, I'd do something fast!

Well, I hope that helps! Just keep in mind that Ali counts more than anything!

Regards,
Brian.

Ali and I have mentioned the "vowss" and possibly renewing them but as you can tell at this point, we are still going "day by day". One instant we are fine then the next minute something triggers either myself or Ali. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions....everyday.

So strange and alarming is that the repercussions of the "short" affair have lasted now 2-3 months longer than the affair life span. It's now been 4 months since I left McAllen. The affair lasted only 9 1/2 weeks.

Ali and I will be going through a whole host of neww emotions later on this week. This coming Friday will mark the one year ago annivarsary that I left her and the family to move to McAllen. A decision that will effect us the rest of our lives.

I try reaching out to Ali all the time now and kissing her, holding her and touching her. I can see it her eyes that she does not trust me and has mixed emotions. The same questions continue popping with Ali as well. Over and over again she asks over and over again I try answering.

Does this get any better?? Is there really a time frame or do we continue this for the rest of our lives.

I have to leave this board with the remarks to Ali that I love her very much. I hope and pray that things will become better for us during the next few months!!!!

Hi RandyR! I can tell you this - I was the WS once and I was also the BS twice. Fallout from Affairs NEVER EVER ENDS!! However, with time, a lot of time, and you two working together, you WILL heal. The hurts will be less sharp and they will dull with time. There will also be longer and longer spaces between those times of hurt.
Now trust is something that is going to take a little bit longer. You have to really EARN that back and dwelling on your sorrows is not going to help one bit.
I left my ex-wife in Alaska. I live in Texas (north part) and Alaska is the biggest fricking state in the Union! I don't let that bother me though. Who cares??! I mean it's like, WHAT-EVER. Blowing up the State of Alaska is not going to change one single thing, so I don't dwell on it.. I'm just glad I'm no longer up there! Randy, be happy WHERE YOU ARE right now.
I sure hope you two are in Marriage Counseling (sound of skipping record here) because those Counselors are pros and they know what to do to help you and Ali into Recovery and healing.
Harold

Marriage Counciling has been put on hold for awhile due to the job(s), the schedules and financial reasons. I know you have been following our posts since day one, I accepted a position in April over 80 miles away (one way) and was staying with her parents for 4-5 days a week to minimize the transportation expenses/gas of going back and fourth. That took a strain on us as well.

Sorry for saying this but I really can't hope that anything positive happens to the southern part of Texas. I know it shows a maturity piece of me inside but I really believe that the area would fall off the face of the map, with "her" in it.

I was reading a book last night that Ali had bought called "Surviving an Affair" and it really hit home. I now can relate and I understand that 98% of affairs end a natural death. They do because the "fantasy" piece begins to end and the affair becomes "discovered". In my case, once it was out in the open that not only did Ali find out but most of the company had too, the affair was over. The OW lost the excitment and the thrill, so she went on to another married man.

I just want to reiterate that tommarrow marks a new beginging/chapter in our lives. We are hoping that the job and the closeness of being home everynight will repair our lives and help us move forward. Being home with the family is our top priorety....also I just hope our marriage can improve.

A QUICK "FIX"-THE STATE OF THE COMPANY I LEFT

Chat Group:

Sometimes Ali is quick to point out that not everything was "rosy" down in McAllen, Texas when I was there. Even months before the affair happened, I was not happy down there as I had no friends and I missed my family so much.

Looking back, I realize that the HR Department was really an embarrassment and if you took all of the Mangers in HR ,including the VP of HR, it would make an excellent story line for 60 minutes.

The reason as to why I am bringing this up is the fact that perhaps revenge for Ali and I should of been left alone from the begining. I wanted revenge to the OW that I had slept with because not only was I "dumped" for another married man that was a real loser (who is calling the kettle black?) but I lost a position that I was doing really well in and had financial promise. The OW I had the affair with is defintly a loser and is in worse shape that I will ever be in. That doesn't excuse the affair but it does help me out as well as Ali when we should look at the following.

1) The VP of HR has been having a 6 year affair with the CEO of the company. She "slept her way" to the top, starting out as the receptionist and is now holding the position of VP of HR. She has no college education.

2) The HR Manager-Working under the VP, her life is now a living hell. Her oldest son was arrested in January for the killings of 6 rival gang members-execution style. This to me, is a reflection of the person that she is and she bears a huge responsibility for raising a son that is either going to be executed or in prison the rest of his life.

3) Finally, the OW I had the affair with worked as the Health and Benefits Specialist! Married twice, first marriage ended up in divorce, second marriage began as an affair, she married him they had two kids but seperated last November and during the seperation, she had at leats 3 affairs with three married men, including myself. While not pround and very ashamed, I do know that she will spend the rest of her life trying to explain to her kids (18, 5, 3) why she has been divorced twice and the many men that visit her at late hours. Her oldest (18) has also fallen in her footsteps, as she is also sleeping around.

She also is in a "no where" job that she just sits there and does nothing all day except look for men to have the next affair with. Her job consists of really nothing at all, as the company offered no dental and no vision benifits, so all she really does/did is see through claims.

Basically, she is going no where.

I NEED TO REALLY KEEP THIS IN MIND AND REALIZE THAT I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERHAPS GOD WAS SAYING "YOU NEED TO COME HOME!!!"

Well if it makes you feel any better McAllen is about to be hit by a Hurricane. Maybe your prayers have been answered.

Yes.-And I hope some of the houses are blown away!

Really can't stand the place and the mention of McAllen makes me cringe.

And least we are in a better place to live.

RANDYRAIL,

Just drop by and say hi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .... recovery take time, some people say 18 months or longer ... it depends how bad the situation is.

-rh-

Hi Randy! Surviving An Affair - congratulations! An excellent read! Please, take the book to heart. You're on the right track with that.
Maybe Claudette will hit South Texas hehehee.
Harold

Bad night last night for both of us. Recovery for Ali is agonizing and would like to know from the group if this is all part of the process (going back and fourth).

Divorce word comes up so much from Ali's voice. She is dealing with alot of anger/pain. Questions about the affair and the other woman continue to be asked. Same questions.

Will this get better???

Start my new position this morning!!!

I just hope it's the start of good things to come.

Hi RandyR & Ali88! Yes, you are beginning the 'Roller-Coaster Ride' of your life. The best way to hang on is to get into MarriageCounseling and COMPLETE & TOTAL Honesty with each other. Talk much with each other, and listen when the other is speaking. Show respect to each other. Randy, you have got to keep in mind that you have totally shattered your wife's world and that it is going to take time for her to recover. Otherwise, you both are going to fall off and your Marriage will suffer further.
Harold