My spouse and I (married 3 years together 5)would always get on each other for little things. I guess you could say also some intimate needs were not met (no intamacy in 3 months)...but other than that we love each other...anyway...at a place with one of our mutual friends...after lots of drinking and I think something was slipped into my drink...anyway...the friend and I got together...I don't even remember how much was done...i never thought about cheating...and will never do it again...now it has hit me how much i love my spouse... and how insignificant the little things are...i couldn't imagine life without them...i have since given up all drinking and am starting AA...because i never want to put myself in a situation like that again...i regret what I did immensley...however i wonder if it is best not to tell...no one knows about the incident...it would only hurt us...and the friend...and others

Do you think it is within your rights to make this decision for your wife?

Do you think your wife has the right to know vitally important facts that will impact her marriage, and possible her health?

Do you trust your wife with the truth of who you are? Or, are you determined to hide from the truth the rest of your marriage?

"I wonder if it is best not to tell... no one knows about the incident...it would only hurt us" As noble as you'd like to think you are, saying this, it is the opposite of noble. This is a coward's solution. You want to avoid the consequences of what you did .... plain and simple.

"Telling" doesn't cause the hurt .... LYING and CHEATING cause the hurt.

Do the "right" thing, and you will be a better man for it.

Good luck! AA is a wonderful place for you to be. Go to as many meetings as you can. The more the better. Share your story.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Laxguy!

That is a hard one! It is obvious that you love your wife and feel very upset and GUILTY! Great!
I am glad you are feeling that emotion!
If I were you, I would sit and think about what marriage is all about to you! How does trust & honesty play a role in your M? Without either of those, what are you bringing into your marriage?
I would definitely tell her! She may react horribly and kick you out of the house but you need to accept that because you betrayed her trust in you! Listen to her needs and try MC! Something happened between the two of you that you guys weren't intimate for 3 months! If you nab it in the butt now, it will be a whole lot easier to deal with then to deal with the issue much later! You will start fighting over the tooth paste of the cap thing when it really is AB&C. Get it?
Marriage is not a walk in the park, you both must meet each other half way. Sometimes giving a little more than your wife and vice versa. Go for the distance reach for more than your share. See what happens.
I think she will forgive you! I said at one time if my H. ever cheated on me,I'd pull a Lorraina Bobbit. But I wouldn't just cut it and through it out the window, I'd chop it up and put it in the Cuisinart! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But shockingly, I didn't. People say that they would leave etc., but from what I am finding out, most couples want to work on their M. And if she truley loves you, in time she will want to work it out! Also because you are sorry, your sincereity will play a big key role!
Good luck and be patient! Do a lot of butt kissing!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dr Joy Brown says keep it to yourself

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dr Joy Brown says keep it to yourself </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then she must be incompetent.

My wife told me what she did, and it is the best thing she could have ever done. Trust can be such a fragile thing, but the fact that my wife told me about her A will go a long way toward me trusting her again. She didn't have to tell. I trusted her and I didn't suspect anything. She could have just ended it and gone on living a lie. She asked for help on a website (not this one) and they all told her to keep it to herself. She said she couldn't live a lie, and she couldn't rebuild a marriage that was based on lies. She was right. I'm sad that my wife cheated, devastated in fact. But I will get over it, and knowing that I'm married to a strong person who made the hard choice means a lot. It makes it easier for me to accept her as a strong, good, person that made a weak, harmful mistake. I can accept that, especially when I realize that she could still be lying to me. She had enough respect for me to give me a choice, even though she fully expected me to leave. I thought I would leave too, but I didn't. Your wife deserves the truth, and there is a good chance that she will be able to forgive you for what you did because you obviously love her and you are sorry for what you did. You are already taking steps to improve yourself, and she may see that when the initial pain goes away. Yes, you could lose her but that should be a choice that she has, not one that you make for her. Good luck and please let us know how it goes. You did a bad thing, now it's time to do the right thing even though it's hard.

IMHO--I think you should think hard about whether or not to tell. Dishonesty will always come back to bite you. Would you want to know if she had done the same thing?

But--I think what's most important now is that you two get into some type marriage counseling. You have a choice to make--and it's going to affect the rest of your marraige. From your post I see there were problems in your marriage prior to this--not much affection, drinking, etc. Make the choice to build your marrige up now--to make it strong--so that neither of you repeat this behavior in the future. There may also be some point in counseling that you feel safe to reveal your one night stand. As a BS--I think your spouse should hear it from you, rather than your friend. And don't be so sure that your friend will keep your secret...

Good luck.