Today, I believe he has finally told all the truth to me about ema's. I believe I now have all the truth BUT I can't say I believe you now to him. I'm afraid to say that because IF by any chance (remote chance) I am wrong and a small truth is missing .....I've have lost and he has won in his battle of lying to me. I believe him YET I can't accept it. I know this sounds weird but that is what I feel. How do i get over this and go on... Please...any advice will be helpful as I am at a loss.

hi maxlo,
my H also took a long time in giving the 'truth' about his A. In fact, at first he made up the whole thing. He swore on kids lives he was telling the truth, but he was lying. I found out by snooping myself.

Like you, I also now have 'the truth', but due to all previous lies, I can't help but obsess over whether there is more. I also cannot tell him I believe him.

BUT, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be sure what the real truth is. Would I know even if I heard it? I could well have it already. Do the details matter as much as the reasons behind the A? Do I keep on at him until I drive us apart? Do I keep putting the A in the present by keeping the Q's going, or put it firmly in the past.

I know enough. Everybody has different needs for how much info they want. Of course, if it is something important that you cannot move on without, such as how many A's he has had, how long they went on, then it is worth emphasising to your spouse that to re-establish trust and intimacy in the marriage, he cannot keep any more secrets.

I think it is inevitable after an A and so many lies that we struggle to trust again. We are gonna have to learn to trust again. It will take alot of time and patience from our spouse. They can help by being accountable and honest about their whereabouts etc.

take care, ad x x

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 04:13 AM: Message edited by: angeldust ]</small>

maxlo, I can relate to how you are feeling since it took my H years to tell me the whole truth about his extramarital activities. It really blows that in order to believe him he has to provide coraborrating evidence.

As far as you moving on..the trust will come back in time...as long as he is willing to be completely open and accountable about his activities. One of the things my H did was to say he was going to the driving range to hit some golf balls but in reality it was to go see a prostitute (he didn't go in the end but the intent was there)...now if he is going to go to the driving range I want him to go with a trusted friend.

I know that if he is serious about betraying me he will find a way but I can only hope that after all the work we have done, and are continuing to do, he will think twice about it.

Keep working the Harley principles...they do work. And keep posting. It is vital you don't feel isolated.

VL