I didn't go into great detail. We both cried and I really hurt him. He wants me to stay with him, he doesn't want me to leave him. I thought he would want a divorce but he doesn't. We are going to try harder on our marriage, we filled out the emotional needs questionaire and we both need to work on some things. He keeps asking me why I am attracted to OM, he wants me to tell him what OM is giving me that he isn't. I told him he was meeting some EN that my H isn't. I kept telling my H that I wasn't happy but he just turned the other way and thought everything would be okay, he knows I don't love him like I used to. Also, I told my H I didn't love him, I cared alot about him and that I wanted to love him again. Our next step is the love busters.

s,

That was a huge step you just made. The causes can now be addressed. Have you told your H about this site? Your H's reaction was the same as mine.

God bless you

Good for you s888! and though there are no guarantees that your marriage will survive, the simple(though not easy) act of telling him the truth about your A, was a necessary requirement towards saving your marriage.

If BOTH of you can follow the MB principles in the books and on this website, for marital recovery, not only will you two be on the same wavelength, but you'll be able to guage yourselves on where you are in your recovery at any point in time.

Have you told him about this website. I beleive that he would find it to be quite valuable to his own personal recovery like the majority of us have.

Keep up the good work.

Good for you. I know things are tough right now, but you can be proud of yourself that you were strong enough to tell him, and you respect him enough to give him the facts so he can make choices in his life. Even better, he has chosen you. Your situation sounds similar to my wife's. We are doing great and it's only been a month. You can do great too, and telling him about it is the best thing you could have done.

s888,

I congratulate you for doing a very difficult thing. Now I would like to suggest that you go buy Surviving an Affair by Harley, and give it to your H. He and you are going to have to really understand the withdrawal concept and what it can do.

Next, be honest with your H as he will probably want more details later. Further, you both are going to be on the rollercoaster for awhile. So I would suggest that you sit down with him and tell him what to expect of you and even himself with respect to his emotions seemingly going out of control.

You may not realize this S888, but this is an OPPORTUNITY to really build the relationship you both want, but it is going to be tough going to do it.

God Bless,

JL

(((((s888)))))

Big Hug.

This is going to be tough. Then it will get better.

Come back onto MB when you have problems or questions.

Good for you!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The first step is always the hardest to make, but now you have made it. I am sure it lifted a great weight off your shoulders and set you on the road toward recovery. That is the most wonderful goal is it not? Lots of hard work ahead because recovery is like climbing a mountain, lots of rough spots to stumble over or to use as handholds whichever way you chose to view them. But you have already come a long way, you can look back down into yesterdays valley of depression and see how high you have climbed. I am so pleased for you that it brings a tear to my eye. Just keep looking foreward and the past will get easier to put completely behind you.

Agape. fudd.

It has been hard. Like I said I didn't go into great detail, I can't, he got so hurt with the little I told him, I would destroy him if I told him more. H knows there is something else wrong with me, well the other night I told him, I have feelings for the OM, I am sorry, I can't help it, I wish I had these feelings for my H. If I had these feelings for my H maybe I would have not had the A. I don't know if I love my H, I am trying. I just realized that if I really loved my H, I would have never, never had the A. This A has really made me think about my marriage, I don't know if I should leave for awhile, then I think about the kids. My H is okay one minute then angry and hurt the next, I've asked him if he wants me to leave and he says no and he doesn't want to leave either. Then I think maybe I should leave and we should start dating again and get to know eachother again. We have changed so much since we first got married, we don't really know eachother like we used to. Some days I wonder if it is even worth trying anymore, maybe I should just give up, I don't know what to do. I suggested we do MC but H hasn't really said anything, we haven't even started the love busters yet. We are still talking I told him alot of things I kept bottled up for years and he told me some things as well. He is analyzing everything, then last night he told me I was very happy for about 5 months and that is when the OM started paying more attention to me. Now I am wondering what it would be like if I had not said anything at all. I know this OM will not leave his wife and that we have no future, I didn't plan on leaving my H either, we both liked our marriage but we wanted to be together, I understood that. I have never been with anyone else except my H and now this OM. This A makes me really wonder if I even really have any love left for my H. I don't understand why OM would tell me he is in love with his wife, if I was in love with my H, I would never have had the A. I don't know what else to do.

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

What happened to you is EXACTLY what I have been saying to tons of people on this board. You know why OM told you he still loves his wife??..........BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BAD PERIOD!! THEY HAVE NO REASON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR OTHER THAN JUST SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE NEW!!! I have read a ton of post of how the BS needs to see what they did to push the WayWard to an affair. In your OM relationship, he obviously just went out on his spouse to have a good time.....does SHE need to examine herself??? Whatever, I dont understand why people think an affair will make themselves happy and solve their current marital problems. Now you will have to go through hell to correct everything. I hope it was worth it......good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

s888:

I think all that's going through your mind right now is normal. It's hard, but you and your H are both human an so the feelings you are describing are typical of the situation you're in.

"Then I think maybe I should leave and we should start dating again and get to know eachother again. We have changed so much since we first got married, we don't really know eachother like we used to. Some days I wonder if it is even worth trying anymore, maybe I should just give up, I don't know what to do."

I think these desires are based on a wish that you could have the fantasy life with your H that you had with the OM. But that's the point. The A was a fantasy. If you were to have to live with the OM for any length of time, the fantasy would be shattered. Try to realize that this is what your desire is rooted in.

There is plenty on the website and in the Harley books (and books about surviving affairs by other professionals) that describes this. The affair is an addiction, plain and simple. And the only way to overcome it is to simply stop. You may always care for the OM, but the feelings, based on the fantasy, will subside eventually if you LET them. Then, and only then, can you expect to foster the feelings you once had with your H. But that will return as well with dedication and time.

Please take care,
-2long

s888 even if you were to leave your H, you wouldn't be able to leave the issues within you that contributed to you having an A and they would follow you on to the next relationship or marriage. Why stay then? To make an honest effort to rebuild your marriage, and if it can't then you can move on with your life without being haunted later on with regrets and doubts.

Your A was an escape from reality, and leaving your marriage before you give it all your best to save it, is another escape from reality as well. You owe it to your H, your children, and yourself, to do all you can to save your marriage.

Don't rely on your emotional state of mind to dictate your course of action, for it betrayed you and lead you straight into your A. Read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as other books on the subject of affairs and infidelity. You may come to realize that love is only one component of many that drive an A.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>s888:

I think these desires are based on a wish that you could have the fantasy life with your H that you had with the OM. But that's the point. The A was a fantasy. If you were to have to live with the OM for any length of time, the fantasy would be shattered. Try to realize that this is what your desire is rooted in.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

S888.

Glad that you took this hard step and wish you and your H the very best of recovery.

My W told me all and I have forgiven her totally. I respect her 100% for her courage.

Unfortunately I did not have the same courage initially but after weeks of seeing her guilt I eventually owned up to an encounter (no sex, but very close ... when it came down to it I just could not do it and asked the OW to leave) I have no excuses as I consider my initial intent to be as bad as actually doing it.

This big Love Buster effectively stopped our recovery and my W was unable to forgive me because if the delay in my owning up.

She says that she does not love me but eventually decided to delay leaving me until our daughter finishes her school term (we live overseas)

Since this we have been spending more time together as friends and are actually enjoying each other's company. Without any promises we seem to be rebuilding the friendship we had many years ago before we became lovers. We go to the cinema, more nights out and far more communication than ever before.

She told me the other evening that I am now meeting many of the emotional needs which she sought in other men. I feel so bad that it took so long but happy that I have this chance (however slim) to improve.

She gave me warning signs of unhappiness many years ago but I was too tied up in my work, falling asleep in the evenings etc., and by the time I started to wake up and try to talk to her she had lost interest.

Affairs are wrong but I now understand the misery and loneliness I put her through for so long. The fact that she had good friends who listened to her eventually led to the affairs. She told me the other evening that one guy who was her friend started to use and neglect her almost immediatelly after the sex started ... she finished this affair immediately as what he actually wanted was much the same as happened to us, only far quicker.

Our marriage was based of friendship and respect - when this was gone she turned to others.

We are now in an uncertain stage where I dearly want them to stay but she does not love me and is not sure if she ever will again. We have some time and with no pressure maybe we can work at it and maybe she will then decide to stay a little longer to see if things progress further.

Our friendship is great and I have stopped asking so many questions. She is telling me things now of her own accord as she wants to be 100% honest about everything. The affairs no longer hurt me like they did initially.

I am enjoying our relationship now (even though frightened that she may leave me) but all my attention and our conversations are just coming naturally - I like her company and we really are getting on well.

I hope that she doesn't think that I am falsely being attentive as this is just not true ... it is all natural and good fun to have her as a friend again.

We care for each other so much and I love her so dearly, but I am not going too far over the top as I don't want to drive her away with too much heavy pressure. She knows that I love her and I hope that her feelings may one day become stronger .... I am prepared to wait for as long as it takes to win her love again, if possible.

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE NEGLECTING YOUR PARTNERS (THINK ABOUT IT EVEN IF YOU THINK ALL IS OK) ... WAKE UP !!!

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE CONTEMPLATING AFFAIRS ... TRY ONE MORE TIME TO MEND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS FIRST !!!

ALL OF YOU WHO ARE HAVING AFFAIRS ... COME CLEAN AND CONFESS .... YOU WILL GAIN FAR MORE RESPECT AND WILL STAND A BIG CHANCE OF RECOVERY.

s888--

Have you read "When love dies: How to save a hopeless marraige" by Bodmer? You can find it on amazon.com. It might help with your rebuilding the love for your H and it might help him to love you too after finding out about the A.

Good luck and best wishes to U
allforone

s888
I feel for you because I lived through a very similar situation. It went on for 2 years and really took alot out of me and my family. I can only say hang in there and if you want to talk let me know.

I have managed to stay away from OM, eventhough we see eachother everyday (work). When he looks upset I want to know what is bothering him, but I manage to control myself and not ask.

My H and I have an appt for MC. We will see how that goes. One minute we are fine and the next minute he is very sad/mad. I have no emotion, it's really sad but I don't even cry, it's like Iam empty inside.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>

I have managed to stay away from OM, eventhough we see eachother everyday (work). When he looks upset I want to know what is bothering him, but I manage to control myself and not ask.

My H and I have an appt for MC. We will see how that goes. One minute we are fine and the next minute he is very sad/mad. I have no emotion, it's really sad but I don't even cry, it's like Iam empty inside.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: s888 ]</small>