I dont know what to do, all he does is deny everything, and he says he doesnt want to loose me and my son. I asked him last night out of the friendship and relationship we use to have that if he did do anything emotionally or physically that he needs to tell me and let me go on instead of letting me go through this emotional turmoil or what has transpired. He still swears there was no one.

What if he never admits...and he's got something to admit...you have to decide if you can live with his being dishonest and/or having a false sense of trying to protect you while at the same time making you NUTS!

What if he never admits...and he's got nothing to admit...you've got to to decide if you can either accept that he's telling you the truth or you're going to make yourself NUTS!

Either way...you decide where you going...not him. (If something was going on...if you look hard enough...you'll find the proof more then likely, very few betrayers are perfect at hiding the truth...we just have to want badly enough to discover it.)

I can relate to how you feel. I , without a doubt know my husband had an affair and when I confronted him he lied and has lied for almost 3 years since,when ever I bring it up. He says no and I say yes , its a dead end and goes nowhere/ Tried MC and was just told to keep eye on things. ha Went to others for myself and they all pretty much said same thing, adjust or leave and he will never tell at this stage. I have lost respect for my husband and I simply don't trust him . He has been the perfect husband since I found a gift for her 3 years ago. He said I only thought I saw something ha. Anyway, he has bent over backwards to be the perfect husband anyone could want and its very very nice. He just doesn't get it though. Being nice doesn't erase the lack of respect and lying he has done to me and he knows I know he is lying to me. I can't move on just because he says nothing happened and he is so nice. I want to hear him tell me he ended it , all contact. He can't tell me that and won't so I can't trust him and never will. If y ou can adjust to living with your spouse and not totally trusting him then why not ? if you can't then leave and find someone else whom you can trust. Its really hard when you lose faith in someone and especially when we could have had it all if only he would have or would be honest with me. Iwould have forgiven the affair and did and even understand the lying BUT when I think of him watching me go through all the emotional ups and downs and thinking only of himself , well it throws me and I really don't know what I want to do but its hard to have peace of mind and live with him etc. Its a real waste and a shame because we could have had it all and it has to be his way or else. SOmetimes being right isn't as important as keeping marriage together UNLESS its something so important as being able to trust your spouse and know he will always be there to depend on. I hope knowing others are in the same boat gives you some "help". Since he chose to not tell me I feel he is still hiding something from me and I can't trust him to never see or contact her. it was just to easy to lie to me. DOn't think he sees her now but if things go wrong etc he would, or maybe if I was gone and he was sure he wouldn't get caught> Thats the problem, you just never know. I have no answers for you and its taken me 3 years and still have no peace of mind even though my husband is very kind and very very nice to me NOW. Should I trust him? I want to but he lied to easily to me and would again Im sure. Good luck and hope your husband will admit and save your marriage and your sanity. Its been a rough road for me when we should have talked about it and then buried it 3 years ago. I could have done that. I hope you can do that.

Red Hat told me to do this for the first few monthes; the four gifts-Care, Protection, Honesty and Time. They are in articles under 4 Rules for a Successful Marriage.

Within a few monthes, along with counseling, there were dramatic improvements.

Commenting on Wilflowers comment about "care, protecting,honesty and time " and how it can make things better. That all sounds well and good but if one spouse refuses the honesty part the wronged spouse will have a real problem feeling like they are being protected. You can spend alot of time and show careing but if the honesty isn't there in the first place you can't help but question the motives about the spouse that cheated on you. We are so much kinder and do more things together now but I don't see how I could ever really feel protected by him when he has hurt me so much to protect himself and his "friend" . ALl at my expense. The honesty isn't there, therefor I have to be satisfied with accepting that he is more considerate now . You need two people BOTH willing to work at the problem and resolve it not ONE. I am the one thats wants it over with once and for all and it can never be without talking about it. He wants it over with by denying anything happened because its easier for him to deal that way. That may be the way your husband feels also. They just don't get it.Everyone is dif and you need different ideas I guess to sort out what you can deal with. It doesn't get better however if you don't trust him just you have to deal with accepting it or leave. I chose not to leave , least for now but I worry to much about where he goes and what he does, not like I use to, but the lack of trust is still there and always will be for me. Like you have read in forums, usually if they keep denying they want to keep that door open or continue with the person they had affair with and they simply don't want us to know about it. My MC acknowledged that was a valid reason for most men to not admit affairs. Length of affair affects alot I think. If your spouse had a brief fling, you are lucky, mine I think had a 20 yr one so even if he doesn't see her now and thats a good guess now, however, many women have been fooled, and when you think of how clever and cautious they had to have been for all those years and not get caught, well you just never can be sure can we? Sad but reality. I honestly don't think he could or would give up her friendship and not contact her through phone or email. Afterall, if he could lie to me for 3 years why would it bother him to still contact or even see her? They feel intitled because we werent that perfect wife they needed. It wouldn't bother him to contact or see her and thats reality. This got lengthy and hope iy didn't get you down but just be careful as we just never know what s in their mind when they chose not to "help" us understand. It does Hurt alot to knowthey care but just not enough to really help us get over it all. Maybe in time your husband will be there for you and you will just know its over . Hope you feel somekind of security soon as it does change things and you start losing self respect when you know they just lie to you like your some naive dummie. He could also be a nice guy who made a mistake and is scared to talkto you, like MAYBE mine.??? GIve him some time but don't give up. Maybe you should just tell him you want truth and if don't get it threaten to leave and then do it. Maybe he would then tell you. I wish I had done that right away but I let him intimidate me. Hang in there and keep trying for as long as you can stand it but if you never get him to admit it , I can tell you now for most of us, it will eat you alive wondering and not trusting him. Hard to build intimacy when you don't trust. Keep trying to get him to talk and get him to MC if can. MC won't work though if he says no and you say yes, just waste of time and money. GOod luck and if you find out a scret to getting them to be honest, let me know please.