Hi - I need some advice on how I can move on and save our marriage. Brief details. On a shopping trip on 12/27/02 with my W I was holding her phone whilst she was in the fitting room when a txt message came through. I thought it was from the kids so read it but it was a message from a man. I confronted my wife and she admitted that she had been seeing a guy from her work since Sept but insisted that the affair was not physical. She said the problem was that I had taken her for granted by putting on weight and not giving her enough "fun". After a lot of reflection I agreed she was right and we resolved to try and make a go of it and I would work on putting the things right that had led to her need for an affair. On 13th Feb, I picked up her cell phone by mistake (we have the same model) and there was another message this time from the local birth control clinic re her contraceptive pill supply. I have had a vasectomy so there was no need for her to be on the pill. I confronted her again and she eventually admitted she had started seeing him again and that still nothing physical had occurred - she had attended the clinic just in case things went further. She then said she had changed her mind and had thrown away the pills.The following week whilst doing some work in our bedroom I found a pack of half used pills under her nightstand - she admitted taking them but again denied anything physical had occurred but since she had started taking the pack she wanted to carry on so as not to disrupt her monthly cycle. I accepted her explantions, although in retrospect they were not credible but she lied so fluently I was taked in and guess I wanted to believe the best. However, I was still very upset and eventually at 4am on 14th March after another argument, she broke down and admitted everything. She had been having a PA with her boss for approx 1 year - ie it was not the guy she told me it was. They had been having afternoons together in hotels whilst supposedly on business meetings. She said that he wanted her to leave me and live together. I said I wanted her to stay and that I would forgive her if she would work to save our marriage. She said she needed time to think. Later that day I called her and she told me that she had decided to leave me and move in with him. She said whilst she loved me a person she didn't love me as a Husband.He told his wife and kids that night and we told our kids the following morning. My W was surprised how upset the kids were at me moving out and that weekend we spent apart the majority of the time - me with the kids and her with the OM. We were reasonably civil and kept talking the whole time sometimes about the arrangements and sometimes about how we felt. On the Sunday evening, she called me upstairs and said she needed to talk. She said she was having serious doubts she was doing the right thing. We spent most of the night talking and she said I was her soulmate and had talked to her like a friend rather than a BS. By the next morning, she had changed her mind and seemed very committed to making things work. She told him it was off and wrote me a beautiful letter apologising for what she had put me through and saying we must rebuild our lives together and have more fun both together and with the kids.
For the first week, things were great but she became increasingly down - presumably because she missed what she had with him which was made worse by the fact she saw him in the office. She says she needs fun in her life and I am finding it hard to do this so soon after being hurt.He is trying to rebuild his marriage too and they are trying to avoid contact with each other as much as possible.
Eight weeks into recovery, however, we have hit a new low. I am finding it difficult to trust her again and she can't understand why. In her mind she has made the decision not to see him again and she can't see why I would have doubts why she means it this time. My behavior is causing arguments between us which undoes any good my attempts to improve meeting her ENs. She now says she can't go on like this and that she would rather be on her own with the kids than live with the constant suspicion and arguments. She insists even if we were to split she would not go back to the OM and that it's now between the two of us but she says she can't committ to me either because she's not sure we can be happy in the long run.
My question is this - how can I rebuild my trust in her and how can she regain hope that we have a future together ? How do we buy the time to rebuild our marriage and for her to fall in love with me again ? She says I am expecting too much, too fast but I just want to be 'normal' again and escape from this circle of despair. It is getting her down by my constant need for reassurance and it is getting me down by living on the cliff edge of potential separation.
Any ideas gratefully received.

Two things are urgent: 1) Buy, and read together, Surviving an Affair, by Harley. It will explain a lot of things, including what you can do to have more fun together, what kinds of fun in particular you need to have with her, her current mood, and why she needs to 2) arrange her life so she has NO further contact with the OM (yes, even if it means quitting her job, which it probably does) for you to recover.

For some more details and other helpful resources, click on the link in my signature line.

Do not feel guilty about not trusting her or checking up on her. She earned your mistrust now she has to earn back your trust. Her word alone is not good enough anymore...actions are what it will take now. John's right you need to read SAA right away as well as rest of information available on this site. Your wife needs to read it as well.

I would also call the Harley's and make a phone counseling appt for the two of you. They will help the two of you put a plan in place for you both recover and regain trust.

Good Luck!

Cherimoya,
Ditto what John and forever say. Also, I had my first appt. with Steve Harley last week and one thing he said to me really got my attention: trust and forgiveness are the very last things to come. It's gonna take a long time, and you both need to understand that. Read SAA, find a way for her to never see the OM again, and spend the time and money to get counseling with the Harley's.

Good luck to you. You're off to a good start!

Dear Cherimoya,

I agree with the last post by FaeryWings. Forgiveness is a process and you won't see the end of that process until about 2 years into this. The part about trust...what reason do you have to trust her? Would she trust you just weeks after you first repeatedly lying and then after revealing a year long affair? No, she wouldn't, and you shouldn't either. She needs to read some books about how the betrayed spouse feels....sooner and not later! You guys both need to read that what you are going through is normal and expected. It helps to take the fear out of the recovery process.

I never finished After the Affair , but heard it was good to give each other an idea of what it feels like to be both the BS and the WS. Torn Asunder , by Dave Carder is excellent. He'll tell you not to let go of your anger too quickly.

A personal note; how can you even begin to deal with your anger until you feel secure enough in the relationship to express it without her leaving? I don't mean Love Busting....just saying what you are angry about in a normal tone. She acted out, you should at least be able to feel your anger about it and she should be able to stick around and help you to heal it. It's how true recovery happens. How can you forgive issues that you don't even get to talk about?

Another good read without going to the bookstore are all of the articles on www.dearpeggy.com . Her husband had multiple affairs years ago and she has documented and studied the recovery process in great detail. They now feel like those times were a lifetime ago.

Take care....don't give up yet. If you can't agree to anything else, agree to see this through without making any decisions about the marriage for at least another 3 to 4 months. Neither of you are really in a position emotionally to make a rational decision. Find healing for yourselves together as a couple. If it doesn't work, those divorce lawyers are still going to be out there waiting for you. Do it for yourselves, do it for each other, do it for your kids' future....you're still going to be co-parenting whether you stay married or not!

Stillwed

P.S. One more favorite book to add: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix . There are even exercises for you to do in the back as a couple. What about therapy? Give it a shot!

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

Thanks for all your ideas. I have actually been following Plan A for the last four months - the problem was I wasn't aware how someone in withdrawal reacts. I've lost 28 lbs and been much more sociable. Other people have commented on how much better I look but not her - this pissed me off and I pushed her for compliments. Now I realise this was all part of the withdrawal process particularly in the last eight weeks.

Now the good news - she called me on her way home from work yesterday and apologised for how she had been the night before. ( A bust up that prompted my first post). She said we must work at it and had even got some names of some local counsellors. I said I was sorry too and left it at that. When I got home she was fine and I gave her some space to watch her favorite TV show (one of her complaints since DDay is that I've gone from ignoring her to crowding her). Later in bed she said we must get around to arranging our vacation in August.She's working from home today as part of her plan to avoid contact with the OM.
This has made me feel more positive - I'm determined not to read too much into it or push her too far, but it has given me the strength to carry on my Plan A.

I'll keep you posted.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: Cherimoya ]</small>